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Open Part 2

April 27, 2008

Part 2 ~ Waking Up

Kristie stayed the night with me when we got home from the hospital. When I woke up I had forgotten for a moment and then it hit me. I remember feeling like I was floating along my day. I was a puppet on a popsicle stick in front of a moving 4th grade play background. I went with my dad to the funeral home to make arrangements. I couldn’t go in so I just sat in the truck.
I don’t understand why when someone dies, the only thing people can think to do it bring food. When I am upset the last thing I want to do is eat. The house was full of pans of things, bowls with foil over them, and a whole ton of KFC someone brought over. Death makes people uncomfortable and by bringing food to the family they can absolve themselves of whatever the horrible feelings are they are feeling. The best thing anyone ever said to me during all this was, “I’m sorry about your brother, that’s really shitty.” It was so real and I appreciated that. It was just shitty. That’s all I can say.
The previous night I knew that I had to be strong for my dad and I needed to keep it together for him but then next day is when it all hit me. I am an intensely private person when it comes to showing any emotion so this was harder than anything I had to do before. I remember going into the bathroom and just sliding down along the door into a crumpled mess on the floor.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I spent the entire night just going through Franks things to find any trace of him. Any proof I could find to validate his life and prove to myself that I didn’t just dream him up and that he was real. I remember constantly watching the time and the season and thinking he was alive 24 hours ago. I still do this to this day. Just today I thought 5 years ago today he was here, carefree and just about to graduate high school.
The next night I went to Kristie’s house but I called before I got there to tell her to make sure no one talked about it or asked how I was. I can’t stand it when someone asks me how I am. It instantly brings me to tears. I got there and everyone went on like nothing was wrong. I was laying on the couch alone when Kristie’s mom came into the room and sat down. She did not obey the don’t talk about it rule. She asked how I was and I tried not to not to cry but it was impossible and she said to me the only thing that will help is time. She said it would be ok and I believed her.
Later that night while everyone was downstairs watching SNL I went upstairs and really just cried.
It would be one more day until the funeral.

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