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Witch Magic

September 13, 2016

I went to Reiki training over the summer without knowing what to expect. It was one of those things I’d always wondered about and thought about taking a class forever and then one day I just signed up. I didn’t have any intentions, or prior experience I just wanted to know, but this story isn’t really about that. Something happened at Reiki training that led me to where I am right now.

If you know me at all you know I am a hold my shit together kind of person. In reiki training we picked partners and worked on each other. During this some blockage was touched and I had an emotional reaction. I knew I had to dig in and get that shit out, but time sped up and it seemed like there was no time to sit in the quiet and look around so I’ve been putting it off, which we all know is terrible.  I think training was in July. It is now mid September.

Lately I’ve been noticing some physical symptoms that I experienced when I was in my marriage that had seemed to have left me so I wondered what’s different, why would these come back? I started to wonder about cell memory and maybe something was triggering what’s being held there. The only thing I could figure was maybe it was alcohol. I stopped drinking for almost two years completely and now I’ll have some. I thought, my body must remember the place I was in when I was drinking all that alcohol when I was unhappy and is reacting the same. The things we don’t heal and push down inside of us REALLY ARE pushed inside of us. Our bodies remember.

This led me to more information and articles and something I’d joked about really was true. I’ve been experiencing PTSD. Listen I know I wasn’t in a war zone or attacked in a violent crime but I lived in a place of feeling like I was on the edge of a cliff every single day and my body didn’t know I wasn’t actually in danger. To my body I was in danger every single day and it reacted in a way to save me. (I think I should clarify, I wasn’t being beaten or scared for my physical life, I was scared that my life would fall apart and I had no where to go and I didn’t know what I would do and how I would take care of the kids. I was betrayed a lot and still trying to hold on and make it work to keep all of our lives together. I was scared to let go because I didn’t want to leave someone else who was clearly hurting no more than I’d leave an injured animal on the side of the road) Reading through different articles and the symptoms down to the unexplained heart palpitations was really mind blowing to me. I felt relieved because all the shit that I’d been experiencing was real. It wasn’t just me not being able to get over things, or me being too sensitive, or me not letting go it was this whole other thing behind it. I felt sad, I felt shock, I finally cried.

I think I cried because as I sat here and these pieces fell into place and I finally had a clearer view I realized exactly how badly I’d been hurt. It’s like that thing where you cut yourself and you know instantly it’s fucking BAD so you grab a towel and hold it tight, somehow you stay very calm and level headed and the adrenaline takes care of the pain so you can focus on getting help. You then go get yourself fixed up and then after is when you freak out a little bit. You let down, you say holy fuck that was crazy! I guess for a really long time I’ve just been holding that towel over the cut not looking at it so I don’t freak out.

Learning about this is another piece of the puzzle that is me, it’s helpful because I’m realizing now that certain things are triggers and that’s why it causes a physical reaction in me and how I need to start to navigate all that shit and heal it. Everything is for a reason in your body and it starts in our spirits. If some shit ain’t right there, it’s going to lead to physical problems. It’s funny how we as a society accept SOME of this as truth such as, stress leads to ulcers but saying other things being wrong will lead to this physical shit over here being wrong and all the sudden people think you’re a wacko. Good thing I don’t give a fuck if people think I’m a wacko. If you need me I’ll just be over here healing my spirit with my witch magic.

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