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Anatomy of a Funeral Part 3

April 13, 2008

Part 3 ~ Events Leading to the Viewing

We have to be at the funeral home by 10am which means we need to leave my house by 9am. My mom and dad wake up at 730 and start rambling through the house getting ready. I wake up to them drinking coffee out of regular drinking glasses because they just couldn’t seem to find the mugs.
My dad is dressed and I had to pee but I couldn’t because my mother was in the bathroom getting ready and putting the final touches of her outfit together by spraying her infamous signature scent Primo. Yeah, thats right Primo. It’s the Georgio knock off you get at the CVS or Rite Aid in the yellow can. I hate that smell.
Speaking of the outfits, let me run them down for you here. Dad- the softest black jeans he ever had which he had been making me feel the night before, a white shirt, and no tie. He said my uncle Bill was bringing him one that he could slap on at the funeral home.
My moms outfit was a little more fancy. She too had on black jeans, but she was really mad because she thought she grabbed her good black jeans but it turned out she grabbed the black jeans that were way too big and she didn’t like those black jeans. She was also wearing a red and black sweater that was made of that really fat yarn and I’m pretty sure it was from the 80’s and way too long. On top of that she was wearing what look liked to be a mans old coat. Way too long in the sleeves if you know what I mean. These two were ready for a funeral.
My dad and I went to the car to warm it up and go while my mom was doing god knows what inside. My dad gets impatient and starts honking and finally my mom appeared on the steps yelling at him to shut the hell up and he should have gotten her up earlier. He says under his breath “well maybe if she didn’t fall back asleep after I woke her up”. She gets in the car all pouty and says she was looking for her lipstick, and judging by her neon pink lips, she found it.
We had to stop for gas so I went in with my mom to get something to drink, a juice for me and coffee and cigarettes for her.
On the road again and I’m hearing arguing and my dad saying, man if Bill didn’t bring me a tie I’m going to kill him.
Then the real fun begins. My dad says to me, “we’re going to burn one, you don’t mind do you?” Of course not! I’m on the way to my grandmothers funeral, why didn’t I think to bring the pot? I shouldn’t have been surprised though it was like that during every car ride to any function we were ever going to. So I am in the passenger seat trying to keep my head out the window as much as possible so when I show up to the funeral I don’t smell like Cheech.
Finally we get to the funeral home and my dad does a donut in the parking lot. This is no joke. The director is outside parking people and my dad does a donut. Then he rolls down the window and says to the guy, “I’m not used to this Ohio snow anymore, I live in Florida.” I step out of the car and so regret my decision to ride with them. I arrive to the funeral that my grandma didn’t even want. She didn’t want a viewing, she didn’t want a service but that’s exactly what she was getting. The family decided in honor of her requests they would allow only her children and grandchildren into the viewing. How thoughtful.
As I walked in I wondered who else inside this funeral home is high right now? I was about to find out.

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