Why does there always have to be a dog nose up my ass?

Bill, Skylar, and Fallyn went to Michigan this weekend. He had to work and took them with him to hang out. It was J and I plus the dogs at home Friday, Saturday and half of today and for the love of god why is having 3 dogs in my house like have 72 kids running around my house? Nick is a golden retriever who tries to eat the other dogs food as quick as he can, knowing damn well he can’t have it because he will puke all day long if he eats it. Charlie is a shitzu/jack russell mix who thinks he is a big man and Gus is a baby (80lb) black lab who will knock you on your ass with one swipe of his unruly paw.
They run around as fast as they can knocking people and anything else in there way down. Why is it that everytime I walk up the stairs I have to get a dog nose stuck right up my ass? When they all finally do lay down if I make one false move they all get up. If I go to the kitchen, we all go to the kitchen. If I try to go to the bathroom we all have to go to the bathroom. On the off chance that I actually make it before they can all push their way in then they lay outside the door and put their noses to the crack under the door and sigh like I have just really pissed them off.
My yard is one big mud hole. Friday I tried to wash their paws as they came in, in a bowl of soapy water and they acted like I was trying to chop their damn feet off. You know gus knocked over the whole mud bowl with his big dumb body.
All day long I hear Gus’ big fat head opening the garbage can so I have to yell for him to come in and lay down, then I have Charlie trying to sneak to the basement to eat cat poop out of the liter box. If it is dog meal time I have to stand there and watch and EVEN when I am nick still eats like a maniac before I can beat his ass and get him out of the other dogs food. They are like 2 year olds. If one dog has a toy then Gus wants that toy. Nevermind the toy he already had but dropped because the other dog had something that looked for more interesting.
How about when my tall ass dogs stand up on their back feet and casually walk up and take a few chips off my kids plate and walk away? Or how about when I look over and Charlie is sitting with his back feet in the air and using his front 2 paws to scoot his dirty ass across my carpet? If Gus didn’t look like a crazy bear baby his ass would be out on the street with his damn hobo stick and a sad story. He is a lucky man.