Texas Adventures

Last Thursday I embarked on a roadtrip in my ford taurus with my dad riding shotgun and my three raggedy kids in the backseat, houston bound. We left at 4:30 in the afternoon and drove straight through. I don’t like driving with my dad because A. if Im driving he always tells me Im rubbernecking and B. if he’s driving he is never paying attention. So I drove the entire way which bothered him to no end. We were about 5 mins away from my house the first time gasped in horror. I was getting on an on ramp and he thought that 25 mph was too fast to take that curve.
We got about an hour away and he started looking through his man purse and he dug out a pair of weird little binoculars and started looking at other cars and he says to me, want to make yourself sick? Look out of these! He then handed them to me, while im driving for me to look out of. The weird thing is, I did. I tried for like 3 seconds before I realized maybe it wasn’t a good idea. But it highlighted exactly why I could never let him drive. Once when he was driving our family to florida for vacation we got about 15 mins away from our house when he rear ended someone on account of showing my little brother that our rental van had a light in the mirror on the visor.
So we continued on and he just would pass out and come to and mumble some nonsense. As it night went on and it got later he really wanted to drive but I wouldn’t let it happen. I just took adderall and red bull and jammed it out. He would sit up and pull the seat into the upright position and say, want me to drive? I would tell him no and he’d pass out again. Sometimes he’d ask me things and then answer for me too. “How you doing? fine.” One of the best parts is laughing at my kids sleeping in the car. Fallyn falls asleep instantly and the other two fight it out for space. J will randomly in her sleep start to make a crying sound because she is all stuffed in a ball and uncomfortable and skylar will yell at everyone if any part of them is touching any part of her. The more I have to be awake the funnier things get to me. We had to stop for gas and the bright lights always wake them up and I was asking if anyone needed to pee and fallyn would open her eyes but then they’d shut again but she was sitting up and wobbling. I almost pissed myself.
Even thinking about it now really cracks me up.
By morning we found ourselves in Texarkana and my dad like to say things he reads as we pass out loud. He saw a place called TACO BUENO and says in sort of a mexican accent, tacos. taco bueneo. taco goooood. But the thing was, he wasn’t saying this to us to be funny, he was saying it to himself out loud like he has no realization that he verbalizes his stream of consciousness.
Then we got about 2 hours from my house (in texas) and he says if you see a gas station stop because “i have to squeeze a turd”. I quickly forgot that I was supposed to stop and he reminded me again like 30 mins later with the same lovely phrase. Then I forgot again. I’d been awake many hours by this point and all I wanted to do was be there.
45 mins till we get there he screams, “well you must just think I don’t have to shit!”
This was the end for me. I lost my mind and started to laugh till crying and I saw a gas station and pulled over and he jumped out before I was even parked while I was driving and ran in.
He came back 10 mins later and said “well I sat down and farted for like 2 minutes straight and I didn’t have to poop anymore. Then when I walked out of the bathroom two little boys were standing outside the door laughing.”