This ain’t luxury travel, this is canned ham.

I had a real bad flight experience today. I knew the day wasn’t going to go off well when Jen and I went to bed at 1am and we had to be up at 3am to catch a plane home. We left the hotel and went to get our car at the parking garage only to realize neither of us had any cash to pay for parking. We were able to get together some change and put it in the night envelope but we couldn’t find the slot on the night drop box, so we left it on top and hauled ass.

Fast Forward through the normal airport riggamarole and this finds us sitting on a plane at 6am leaving Portland, bound for Atlanta. It’s a nightmarish 5 hour flight. The flight is completely booked with 3 seats on each side of the aisle. I had an aisle seat, Jen had the middle and some old dude had the window. As soon as we took off that dudes elbow was all up in Jen’s side and he was asleep. He was also tangled up in her seat belt so she couldn’t get it on. We had a flight attendant on the flight who was about 60 years old and had one of those giant disproportionate asses that you can’t even figure out how they buy pants. She kept walking by and knocking me out with that ass of hers and then during boarding a young cute dude missed his seat and needed to go back and she started hugging on him and rubbing him all over. Uncomfortable for everyone watching rubbing. I mean she was all over the poor dude. Finally everyone gets settled and its impossible for me to sleep cause my neck hurts and I keep getting assed. Then the bathroom line started, it was like we were all in Mexico and everyone drank the water and had an urgent need to shit. People were piling out of the bathroom like clowns out of their stupid little cars. Then the fucking turbulence started to happen and I honestly didn’t know if we were going to make it or not. Every time the plane would dip down Jen would throw her hands in the hair and let out an OH MY GOD. She got real nervous and started to sweat and I got real nervous cause the old stomach started to hurt and I had no yak bag so I was trying to figure out who’s ass I was going to have to knock down to get into the bathroom. 

There was a couple sitting across the aisle from us with a small dude in the window seat. She had the aisle seat and she would lay down on her husbands lap exposing to god and everyone some horrendous back stretch marks. Normally I wouldn’t mention something like this but it went beyond physical. Every second that couple wasn’t sleeping, they were obnoxiously kissing. EVERY SECOND. Loud really annoying kissing. Then I heard her speak and I think either she was the devil or a tranny.

There was a lady in front of me who was giant, chinese, and mostly balding who walked by me and for some reason paused right by my nose so I got a great whiff of her stinking ass, awesome. 

After getting assed by the shelf ass flight attendant a few more times a different flight attendant came down the aisle collecting garbage and I am not shitting you right now, somehow she threw an entire cup of hot coffee down my back. That was the last straw, I started to laugh and cry at the same time. It was hot and now I stank like old ass coffee. Another attendant came with wet naps and was helping me and I made a comment about the other flight attendants ass that had been all up and down my body all day to which she replied, dude you could serve tea off that ass. I almost fell into the aisle. A few mins later that same attendant came back by and shoved her whole ass in my face jokingly. It was a flight of ridiculocity. When we finally landed im pretty sure it was actually in a suburb somewhere and the pilot took the fucking freeway into the airport because that shit took about a half hour to park. Then we had to wait to get out while listening to mr and mrs kiss of death forever. When I looked over to give them a look of death I noticed that their seat mate by the window was reading the holy bible. 

I’m lucky I made it out alive. So is the fucking kissing couple cause I really wanted to punch that girl straight in the starts with a C ends with an UNT.