Skip to content

The Ass Chronicle

August 1, 2009

The Ass Chronicle

**WARNING** You will see my whole ass in this post. Be prepared.

Saturday July 18th

Worked outside on the gardens and plants all day in the 100-degree heat. I kept feeling something hurting on the crack of my ass. I thought it was a pimple (which would be strange cause im not a pimply ass type lady) or it was a fire ant bite because I had gotten into a whole nest of them who had taken up residence in an aloe plant.


Sunday July 19th

More painful than the day before, still laughing that an ant was in my ass crack and why wouldn’t it be? I found one in my cleavage too.


Monday July 20th

Pain continues to grow and I begin to wonder if it’s a boil. I google boil and scare the shit out of myself realizing that boils are staph.

Tuesday July 21st

Find out that my cousin has been having boils and we’re shared towels. The pain is so bad this day that I cant get out of bed.

By now my left hip is all jacked up from trying to sleep without hitting my ass wound.


Wednesday July 22nd

Drove myself to wal mart while hovering over the seat because I couldn’t sit down. I had to find a heating pad and some crazy ointment my dad told me to get.

I got home and started heating my ass to get the fist sized bump to open up and drain. Not only did I have to heat my ass but I had to heat my hip ass well since apparently I am 100 years old. I then put on the ointment that is black tar-esque and smells the same laid on my stomach and waited for it to open. I developed a fever and started feeling really sick and this is when I really tried to convince everyone I was ok so they wouldn’t make me go to the hospital. I am deathly afraid of doctors and all their evil equipment. I was in the most pain I have ever been in aside from labor. It felt like ripping, burning, and pulling all at the same time. By 10:30 that night it had gotten so bad that I found some darvocet my grandpa had and I took one. This is coming from someone who is also afraid of pain pills. I think they will make me throw up. After all three births the only thing I took was Advil. About a half hour after taking the pill I was nearly pain free and the rest of the pain I had was forgotten by me being wasted and laughing. At least it put me to sleep. I woke up at 2am and by 3 I had to take another pill to get back to sleep.


Thursday July 23rd

My fever broke and the draining started. I have a hole the size of a nickel on the old asser. Just wound pad after wound pad soaked with blood and pus. I made a routine of shower to clean it, dress it with Neosporin filled pads then do it all over again 2 hours later.


Friday July 24th

Was able to walk around some this day! Road to recovery!

Saturday July 25th

Up and about for a while, bed for a while, then went and watched Bill kill the Laff Stop in Houston. I ended up ass bleeding through my pants. Too much too soon friends.

Sunday July 26th

Threw a memorial bbq for my grandpa and had to get in the shower to ass clean before the guests even left. I neglected to tell them the ass would story over hamburgers.

Fast-forward to right now July 30th

Feeling better each day. I’m able to sit on it for little bits of time, which is HUGE. It’s healing up ok. I’m sure there will be a scar so there goes Playboy.

If this ever happens again please, someone just kill me.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. jim job permalink
    August 3, 2009 7:50 pm

    nice ass how about more nude picts

  2. August 6, 2009 5:23 pm

    OUCH! I knew exactly what it was from the first picture. Hubs has had about 6 of them in the last 2 years. Right on his anus.. If it comes back and there is a good chance it might.. You do need to go to the dr and get on heavy duty (they are hella expensive too) antibiotics. We’ve been down this road so many times. I keep gauze, neosporin, that nasty tar med, rubber gloves, and all that fun stuff b/c of it.. Hubs has had to go to the dr 3 times in the past year and have them lanced and drained.. No one else in the family has gotten one just him..

  3. Brooke permalink
    March 3, 2011 10:12 am

    Thanks for being brave enough to show us! I think one showed up on me this morning.

  4. rocky permalink
    January 23, 2013 7:57 am

    definately a real nice ass…………..

  5. diane dion permalink
    June 19, 2014 8:03 am

    I think you should of seen a doctor. Looks pretty serious to me. Looks like staph!!

  6. permalink
    August 19, 2017 10:58 am

    What is the tar medicine?

    • Candra Squire permalink*
      August 19, 2017 11:06 am

      Ichthamol. You can get it at drug stores. Might have to ask.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: