The Ass Chronicle

The Ass Chronicle

**WARNING** You will see my whole ass in this post. Be prepared.

Saturday July 18^th

Worked outside on the gardens and plants all day in the 100-degree heat. I kept feeling something hurting on the crack of my ass. I thought it was a pimple (which would be strange cause im not a pimply ass type lady) or it was a fire ant bite because I had gotten into a whole nest of them who had taken up residence in an aloe plant.

Sunday July 19^th

More painful than the day before, still laughing that an ant was in my ass crack and why wouldn’t it be? I found one in my cleavage too.

Monday July 20^th

Pain continues to grow and I begin to wonder if it’s a boil. I google boil and scare the shit out of myself realizing that boils are staph.

Tuesday July 21^st

Find out that my cousin has been having boils and we’re shared towels. The pain is so bad this day that I cant get out of bed.

By now my left hip is all jacked up from trying to sleep without hitting my ass wound.

Wednesday July 22^nd

Drove myself to wal mart while hovering over the seat because I couldn’t sit down. I had to find a heating pad and some crazy ointment my dad told me to get.

I got home and started heating my ass to get the fist sized bump to open up and drain. Not only did I have to heat my ass but I had to heat my hip ass well since apparently I am 100 years old. I then put on the ointment that is black tar-esque and smells the same laid on my stomach and waited for it to open. I developed a fever and started feeling really sick and this is when I really tried to convince everyone I was ok so they wouldn’t make me go to the hospital. I am deathly afraid of doctors and all their evil equipment. I was in the most pain I have ever been in aside from labor. It felt like ripping, burning, and pulling all at the same time. By 10:30 that night it had gotten so bad that I found some darvocet my grandpa had and I took one. This is coming from someone who is also afraid of pain pills. I think they will make me throw up. After all three births the only thing I took was Advil. About a half hour after taking the pill I was nearly pain free and the rest of the pain I had was forgotten by me being wasted and laughing. At least it put me to sleep. I woke up at 2am and by 3 I had to take another pill to get back to sleep.

Thursday July 23rd

My fever broke and the draining started. I have a hole the size of a nickel on the old asser. Just wound pad after wound pad soaked with blood and pus. I made a routine of shower to clean it, dress it with Neosporin filled pads then do it all over again 2 hours later.

Friday July 24th

Was able to walk around some this day! Road to recovery!

Saturday July 25^th

Up and about for a while, bed for a while, then went and watched Bill kill the Laff Stop in Houston. I ended up ass bleeding through my pants. Too much too soon friends.

Sunday July 26^th

Threw a memorial bbq for my grandpa and had to get in the shower to ass clean before the guests even left. I neglected to tell them the ass would story over hamburgers.

Fast-forward to right now July 30^th

Feeling better each day. I’m able to sit on it for little bits of time, which is HUGE. It’s healing up ok. I’m sure there will be a scar so there goes Playboy.

If this ever happens again please, someone just kill me.