California

Dude road trip to CA started off driving the giant ass van through an Ohio blizzard. 85  miles from home the fucking heat went out in the van. We decided we could tough it through the night with no heat so we stopped at wal mart, got some long underwear feet warmers and settled in. We made it about 10 miles before the windows iced up so bad we had to stop for the night.
We spent half the next day in a weird little auto repair shop reading food magazines and waiting for heat.

We finally did get some heat but in exchange for a quick rigged system we could not turn OFF the heat. Awesome. From driving in parkas to driving in underwear in less than 12 hours.

We stopped somewhere in MO to sleep then it was off to Amarillo TX to meet my twitter friend Rock for some BBQ. Getting into Texas there was a freak ice storm and we had to stop to try to scrap our completly iced up windshield before arriving. Sweet.

After meeting Rock (who did not turn out to be a murderer just a delightful lady) we headed off into the blackness of New Mexico. We stopped somewhere around here for the night.

The next day we started off while it was still dark and as we headed toward ABQ the sun came up and exposed a land of red rocks that pretty much looked like we had woken up on Mars.

We were on our way to LA but we could not pass up the chance to go to the petrified forest. It was awesome. PS- Renner stole some forbidden petrified wood.

We found ourselves in the LA traffic at 11pm which is really dumb. Get it together LA. Anyway we drive into the neighborhood where Renners cousin lives and we were staying for the night. We passed the house, had to turn around and parked on the road. We got out and went up to the door and I noticed that the mailbox said some crazy name but I just thought Mike is crazy and I have no idea what this mail box joke is. So we ring the bell and stand there like fools for a minute until we hear him coming down the stairs. Instead of opening the door he yells, WHO YOU WANT? We didn’t know what the hell we was talking about so we just stood there and looked at each other. He yelled WHO YOU WANT about 3 more times before Renner finally yelled IS THIS MIKES HOUSE?

Turns out, it wasn’t. We ran away screaming and laughing at the same time.

Mike actually lived 2 houses up in the EXACT same style and color of house.

We got settled in and slept with the window OPEN listening to the delicious sounds of sleeping with the window open in January.

The next day we met up with Rachel and then had to go deliever furniture to the LA Mart which was the entire reason for the roadtrip. After a horrendous hot and stressful drive over we realized that there was only one guy unpacking this furniture. I thought there were going to be like 4 dudes and they would take care of it but no. I wanted to kill myself on the spot. We eventually got it all up into the showroom but jesus christ, would it kill the dock dudes to fucking help? Looked like fat hawaian grass skirted assholes.

Anyway, we spent a couple lovely days in Hollywood with Rachel who is the MOST DELIGHTFUL host ever and then left on Sunday for the lights of Las Vegas.

We were less than 12 hours but did we buy like 200 bucks worth of goofy vegas shit? Of course.

On the way towards home we stopped at every indian shop along the highway and this place called stewarts . It looked like  a place I would either be murdered or kept as  a pet by the insane people who ran it. Renner paid 5 bucks for some ostrich food and we fed them out of red party cups. It was terrifying. What a bizarre creature. That thing is a damn dinosaur don’t let anyone convince you it’s any type of bird. DINO-SAUR.

Passing back through ABQ we stumbled upon Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke filming some retarded ass new movie called Passion Play.

We made it to Amarillo for lunch and met up with Rock again and went to the Big Texan. It was insane. If you like big gross meat chunks then this is the place.

We made it home and I didn’t leave Renner in the desert so it must have been a good time.

PS Pickles in bags are actually good.