I have a few

Yesterday I found out that my grandmother died. By the time I found this out she had been dead in her apartment for 2-3 days. The last time I saw or spoke to her was at my grandfathers funeral 5 years ago and before that day it had been 5 more years.

I was always her favorite. Even though I lived in Ohio and she was in Texas I always knew it. When I was 20 I moved to Houston and had a close relationship with her for a few years before things got strained. She never hurt me directly but what happened did result in the end of our relationship.

I always thought I was living without regrets but I now know that I have some. The thing that weighs the heaviest on me right now is about a year ago she found me on facebook and added me as a friend. I waited for months trying to figure out what to do before I declined the request. I do not know why I did that. It’s not like I was mad at her or hated her but I guess I was indifferent. What I don’t understand is why. I guess it’s easier for me to write people off instead of worry about them. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, at least I hope it is because otherwise it turns out I’m a real asshole.

I think about what I would have said to her if I did send her a message or accept her request. Just the usual catching up stuff I’m sure but it would have only been one-sided. Clearly I didn’t care how she was and it was a relationship I felt I didn’t need otherwise I would have pursued it, what’s making me sad about it is maybe she did need that. Would it have been that hard for me to just give her that? I don’t know. I’ll never know and that’s my regret.

My lesson that I’m taking away from this is that we should think about our relationships, good, bad, or strained and figure out if they’re worth the time and if they are fix them, make them better, and just be good to people because even though you might not need them, maybe they need you.