2015 to 2016

This entire year I kept thinking it was 2016. I think that was a whisper from the universe saying just hold on to your ass this year and I swear 2016 will be better.

The theme of this year for me has been loss & letting go. Most of the time I felt like I was a tether ball in a violent game between two angry sweaty men who were playing to the death. I’ve tried to take each hit and dissect it and figure out the lesson and be thankful for the experience and let it go. Some have been easier to let go of than others. The others, those rooted deep, are more like trying to get melted marshmallow off your hands but it’s never quite gone and then some other shit gets stuck to it so you’re back at the sink like 18 times trying to really get it gone.

I’ve actively tried to heal myself. I’ve yoga’ed, meditated, read books, frequently consulted the wisdom of Buddha, written, and even cried. Those things help, they ease the edge but heartbreak, real true fucking heartbreak is something that never fully heals. The say time heals all wounds but I don’t think that’s true anymore. Time moves us further away from the sharp point of the break but that isn’t healing something. If we are lucky we will grow scar tissue to cover that open wound so it doesn’t get infected but if you press on it you can feel that open hole still lurking under the surface.

I’m learning to listen to the whispers more, the feelings in the bottom of our stomachs that we generally punch and punch and punch down some more because they’re telling us a truth we do not want to hear.

I’ve learned that when you let go of people, and things, and old worn out beliefs and habits you invite new opportunities into your life.

I’ve learned that there is no settled. We keep moving or we die in some kind of way. We can die a thousand deaths but if we chose to pick ourselves up and learn the lessons we can also be reborn a thousand times in this one little lifetime.

Here’s to 2016, may there be more ups than downs, more love than hate, and more growing than rotting.