Merrily Merrily…

I’ve been thinking a lot about death and dying lately. I’ve never been afraid of it because I’ve always just believed in reincarnation for some reason. We live, we learn, we hit the bricks, we do it again to learn another lesson.

The thing I have been afraid of is how death affects me or people I love. Like everyone, I never want to lose my people but my craziness goes even further. My mind will sometimes travel so far into the future that my fear is that I will be dead and my kids will be old and what if they are alone? What if they’re in a nursing home and the staff hurts them? What if they’re lonely. I have to stop myself from these thoughts because not only is it a story made up in my mind that’s not real but because what could I even do about it? Accepting that we control nothing is a hard fucking pill to swallow. We can either chose to accept that everything is temporary and settle into the unknown or we can try to fight and control everything and waste lifetimes doing it.

I’ve had to watch two people now that were MY PEOPLE, you know, like your nearest and dearest people, die. Ugh DIE. I feel like the way we use the words death and dying are too harsh. Too final. These bodies die, this is true. I’ve seen their lights fade and extinguish but those are just the soul suits we wear while we walk, the rest is still there, just somewhere else. I don’t know the answers, the who, what, when, where and why’s and I won’t pretend to. The only thing I can say with absolute certainty is that life is but a dream.