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Solid Wood

January 15, 2016

Listen here if you want. 

I’ve never had a relationship end while love still existed. It’s always been a very clear feeling of being totally done & over it and that feeling always made all the other things that go into a break up much easier.

I’m a fighter and a fixer so not being with someone I loved, no matter what the cost, wasn’t a real solution to me. Sometimes however, your fate gets decided by someone else and you just have to find your way through and over it.

Still with the way my mind works I find myself always thinking, wondering, and reviewing. Im not dwelling on the what ifs and shoulda wouldas I don’t think, it’s more of trying to really understand the WHY’s of my marriage. The why’s can be a dark place to visit but hopefully by walking through the past it brings you into the light. If you can see why you did things, or reacted in certain ways or put up with things that seem insane when you look back then you should be less likely to repeat the past.

Sometimes I think this process is taking too long. I get mad that I’m not just over it all already and I hate the fact that it hurts me to see him with someone else. I hate that his words “you’re my best friend and the love of my life” still swirl through my mind when I’m trying to separate fact from fiction and trying to understand the difference between the meanings of actions vs just words.

Through all this heaviness there has been light. I have fallen for someone. I’m not sure how I slipped between these two opposite worlds, heartbroken & in love, reconciling the past while in a beginning but, here I am. Sometimes I’ve felt like I must be broken or depleted of fucks to give because I find myself without those thoughts or feelings that I hated, that I had when I was with Bill. I don’t have that anxious stabbing in my stomach telling me to watch my step because the bottom will drop out any time. I don’t have that rapid heart beat induced by jealousy. I don’t feel like I have to be a detective trying to crack the case before the case cracks me. Also I’ve noticed that those dreams that used to haunt me and wake me up by shooting a cold physical chill down my spine have disappeared.

I’ll write about Adam one day. A day when my skies have totally cleared and my light is a little brighter. Until then I’ll be keeping him to myself in our very small world we’ve created.

We build things up and they get torn down, blown down, or burned down but humans are like ants. When you knock their hills over they immediately come swarming out; they give you the finger and then they start over. I’ve never built anything that I got right the first time. Those illustrated instructions never make sense to my brain and I always put something on backwards. Then I have to pull it apart, flip it over, rehammer in the shitty little dowel just to end up with a perfectly flimsy bookshelf from Target. Don’t worry though, I’ve learned my lesson, from here on out I’ll only be building things out of solid wood.

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