Into Bones

This week I have been working production on a new tv show. The first 3 days I needed to help scout some locations and it made me have some thinks and some feels.

I had to walk through places from my past. Reach out to contacts I haven’t talked to in a very long while. I felt like a ghost. As I showed the guys around and introduced them to person after person I realized how huge my network really is but I also realized what I’ve become.

When I split up with Bill I made myself small. I rolled up into myself so far that I could not been seen. Our friends were the same, our places were the same, our memories and networks all the same. In my pain I went deep into hiding. I couldn’t bear seeing him or his activities or hearing things he said on the radio about his new life, his new life without me and being happier for it. I unfriended people that I still like because I didn’t want to see any pictures they might post. I stopped living. I went to work, target, and some times digging in that dirty river that I like.

I have realized that the pain I feel when I don’t feel loved must be coming from inside of me. I am not loving myself. No one can love you the way you need to be loved like your own damn self. (not a masturbation joke but honestly that applies here too)

I gave myself a pity pass. Permission to say NO to everything. Permission to be small and hide. Permission to stop. It’s no way to be. Forgive me if you’ve needed me and I wasn’t there.

I am not saying I’m attempting a year of YES just yet but I am saying YEAH. I’ll come out of this place bit by bit and back into the light and into my bones.