Troubled

Think of something that is currently troubling you and write about it here. Don’t try to solve it; just focus on getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. #startwhereyouare

This status update from 6 years ago came up in my time hop this morning.

She’s almost made it to 18 so that’s something.

Kids really don’t get easier the older they get which is the thought that helps you get through the sleepless baby nights, the terrible twos where they’ve learned to run and no longer tolerate being restrained, and all the times you feel like you’re grounded because there is no live in nanny to help. The reality is they grow too quickly and their brains don’t have the life experience we as parents have but they THINK they do and they believe that we (the parents) are real idiots.

Skylar troubles me. She always has.

She was born 3 weeks early which made her a Taurus, a stubborn little bull. I believe she was born 3 weeks early because she was simply done with being in there, never mind staying  to finish developing she clearly knew better than nature and said NAH, I’M OUT BRO.

What troubles me is that I fear she doesn’t learn from her mistakes because she does not own them. I believe that lessons we need to learn will repeat themselves over and over until we understand them. You cannot understand what you do not acknowledge.

It troubles me that she won’t go to school when she’s doesn’t feel like it because she doesn’t think she needs to be there and that she won’t graduate.

It troubles me that she will technically be an adult in 3 months and that real adult world she will be entering has real adult consequences.

I am troubled that she cannot seem to hear me. If she can’t hear me then how will she know the mistakes I’ve already made ahead of her so she can use my experience to avoid those same mistakes and go make all brand new mistakes.

I am mostly troubled because I know that I cannot control what happens to her or the choices she makes.

When kids are growing up we give them walkers, training wheels and bed rails so they don’t fall. When they walk out the door we can’t keep them on a bungee cord that pulls them back inside if they go one step too far, no, instead we have to just trust that we have given them the right tools to stay upright with both feet on solid ground.

I remain troubled.