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Panic & Light

March 5, 2017

What gives you light? #startwhereyouare

I woke up at 4am in panic.  I don’t know where my life is going. What am I going to do?  Should I go back to college even though I am 100 and I still have student loans from the first time when I never graduated?

What gives you light? warm summer mornings spent alone on the beach.

Panic. Is my daughter going to graduate? Is she bipolar and I haven’t helped her get diagnosed so she can get herself under control? I am not doing enough. I am not there enough. It’s easier to step back and ignore than fight. How will she survive?

What gives you light? Finding a spot tucked away in the woods by the river where no one can see me and I can read and write and think.

Panic. My daughter needs to come home and get off her dads couch where I can see her and make sure she is growing and learning to be an adult. She’s turning 18 in a few months and she isn’t prepared for the real world. She doesn’t know how to drive. She doesn’t make enough money. I can’t pay for college.

What gives you light? Meditative yoga class surrounded by kindred energy.

Panic. My son spends too much time alone in his room. How can I help him make real friends? How can I prepare him for the world? I am not doing enough. I am taking the quiet as a sign things are ok but really I am avoiding the work. I don’t know how to do the work.

What gives you light? Hearing my kids laugh together. I sound very scarce these days since we are always separated. You aren’t doing enough. You aren’t doing enough.

I believe I need more light.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. SDC permalink
    March 5, 2017 10:26 pm

    So I meant to comment on this earlier but didn’t get chance. So…I was wondering how do you describe kindred energy?

    • Candra Squire permalink*
      March 5, 2017 10:58 pm

      Well I wouldn’t say I’d feel a kindred spiritship (I think I just made that word up) to everyone in a yoga class but the energy of others who find themselves in the same yoga classes I’ve be drawn to I feel is familiar. Everything is energy at different frequencies. Like attracts like. It also helps when mine is erratic to walk into a meditative class and have the energy of the whole help mine to calm. This probably makes no sense.

      • SDC permalink
        March 5, 2017 11:12 pm

        No it actually does. It would explain the difference in the friendships I formed when I was doing well and when I wasnt. I believe you attract what you are. But also, that if you’re in need of positive energy specifically, and you’re susceptible, that it finds you. Which is why I thought I’d ask your take. ☺

      • Candra Squire permalink*
        March 6, 2017 7:55 am

        That’s exactly it. I was doing these things on my instagram over the summer called the daily beach and that’s an exact realization I had one day about the frequencies. I’ll see if I can find it.

      • Candra Squire permalink*
        March 6, 2017 8:03 am

        Man maybe I just thought it and never actually wrote it. That seems about right. Here’s one of my daily beaches anyway. https://instagram.com/p/BH7I1lkB1ty/

      • SDC permalink
        March 6, 2017 9:03 am

        Ah yes…that too 😲

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