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In Pursuit of…

July 2, 2008

something man, but I don’t know what. I think I always have been too. Every boyfriend I ever i always wondered if i should marry him. The only time I actually did get married i was 19 and pregnant and didn’t want to go home. There was no romantic celebration, no fancy dress, and no pretty invitations. It was a private court house event and I didn’t even tell anyone until it was over. I think im always looking for whatever is it im always looking for in whatever boyfriend I have at the time. I still don’t know what im in pursuit of but i think finally upon approaching my 30th year of failing I might be getting it. Whatever it is, is in me. Im supposed to be looking for this thing inside me. That sounds gay but I really think thats what it is. Now that I think im on the right track I have no idea how to do that.
Im back to school in the fall and thank god for the Bach of general studies because I can’t get it together man. I can never figure out what to do. I won’t even do anything with this degree i am paying thousands of dollars for, but at least I will be happy that I actually finished something. I hate going to school because I feel like all the things you need to know you learn on the job. I don’t care about sociology. I get it already people are nuts, great fine fantastic, i don’t need a semester reading some BS book about it. I don’t care about working with my classmates on some stupid project. I hate people, I don’t want to work on a project, it’s not helping me learn anything because I already know what the project is going to “teach” me and that is I want to be alone and not in this stupid time consuming piece of bullshit class. All we are doing is buying a worthless degree. Anyone can do that. Most of the people I know with these degrees aren’t even using them anyway, but there is always that hope that maybe one day I will somehow be able to land a sweet job because what I learned at kent state university 10 years ago. Never mind that I’ve had to work at the Target snack bar full time and the circle k part time ever since I graduated with my worthless degree and haven’t had any job experience in whatever i graduated with a degree in maybe someone somwhere will recognize all my genius and pay me for it.
It’s all horse shit so I say, go to your crappy stupid job but don’t make it something you think about at night. Don’t lose what you actually care about because all you want to talk about is how judy from accounting really pisses you off when takes your snack pack. who care’s about those people? the reality is that these stupid jobs don’t matter and that they should just enable you to go the places you want to go and be able to come home to the people you love at night.
I guess I just went off in some crazy ramble but you know me.
welp, im still in pursuit……

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    July 11, 2008 7:16 am

    hey candra-
    find what you love and do it. you are the only one stopping you. everything else is just an excuse for mediocrity.

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