An Open Plea

I beg of you, all who read my little blog and who live somewhere near me. I need help. I am thirty and my body should not hurt like that of a little old farm lady who has had a hard life of working in the field and slaughtering her own pigs. I have never worked hard labor unless you count helping old ladies find velour track suits at aileens. My knees ache, but you know this bitch never played a damn sport. My hip joints hurt, but I am not out doing gymnastics. I shoveled my little sidewalk and around our cars yesterday and every muscle hurts. This is not right so I implore you, someone please take a yoga class with me. If I don’t stretch these muscles out they are going to atrophy at any moment leaving me a shriveled raisin lady in a wheelchair. I need moral support in this. Also I love you my friends, but if you are some skinny little bitch please do not agree to go with me. I don’t need to see any kind of tight body in spandex telling me I can do it and to just breathe. I need someone who is fighting equally hard not to fart during downward dog.
Thank you and good day.