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Labor & Delivery

February 23, 2009

I asked people to send in questions and my friend Natalie wanted to know about my real story of labor and delivery. In her words,
‘seriously is there not a woman out there that thought “Doctor if I push any harder your going to end up with shit on your face!”‘

I was 20 when I had my first baby and for some reason I wasn’t too scared to give birth even though I am terrified as hell at the thought of getting a damn splinter. My biggest fear was everyones biggest fear. Shitting during delivery. Now, Im a lady and I don’t poop but if I did, I would have tried to poop all the time just in case I went into labor. That way on the table I would be all out of poop. I had contractions through most of my pregnancy so when I actually went into labor the contractions didn’t feel too much different. Even so I got the epidural early so I wouldn’t feel any major pain. Turns out I had 6 more hours in labor so I was on the bitch for 6 hours. All the while they are pumping fluids in you and no one put a catheter in me until right before I delivered. So I started pushing and they asked do you want the mirror? Apparently there is some kind of mirror they can bring down so you can watch the baby come out. I politely declined. Why do I need to watch my asshole rip out? I can feel it just fine. I don’t understand why when they tell you to push you can’t breathe for what they say is 10 seconds but really its more like 3 minutes. I had an old school doctor the first time around who gave me a routine Episiotomy. For you who don’t know it’s when the cut your taint open. Then I couldn’t quite get her head out so the whipped out the suction cup and gave my child bruises and a cone head. After she was out and whisked away to nursery town the nurse came in and told me to get in the shower. I walked to the bathroom and felt like I had to pee so I sat down to try and nothing. I started to get real nervous. So I eventually found myself in my room with vaginal lips that look like, well you know how when old ladies wave good bye they have the weird flappy loose skin? well that’s what my vagina looked like and it felt like someone stretched it out and ran over it with a horse and buggy. I had ice packs in my giant mesh panties for a week. By the way the Episiotomy just wouldn’t heal either so at my 6 week check up the doctor took a cauterizing stick to my fresh taint wound and it felt like she was raping my with a firey thorn bush. I think it was worse than the delivery.
Oh wait there’s more, lets talk now about breastfeeding. I never thought about bottle feeding my new baby, breastfeeding just seemed like what I should do. Uh, why doesn’t anyone tell you that everytime that baby latches on it’s going to feel like someone set your damn nipples on fire and then ran them bitches through a cheese grater?

Oh by the way, one of my girls is a labor and delivery nurse and guess what, all you moms probably did in fact poop on the table. The nurse cleans it up and you never know about it so let’s do everyone a favor and keep the husbands up by your head. You don’t want the video camera catching that on tape dude.

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