offend in every way

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Dear Friends, Loved Ones, Strangers, and Weirdos,

I write HORRIBLE GREETING CARDS. It says that right on my banner. I make fun of everything and you know what sometimes that includes touchy subject material types of things. These are jokes. How many times have you said to your person or your friend I’m gonna kick your ass. Did you really kick their ass? Probably not. These are jokes.

People always surprise me. When I see bitchy looking people, or little old lady types walking over to me to read my cards I get nervous. I watch and wait for the moment they open that card and read whatever gem is bound to be inside. Will they raise their eyebrows and say “wwwwoooooowwww” or will they yell to their friend “get over here and read this”? For the record I hate the WOW. Don’t say WOW. These are jokes.

People ask “where do you come up with these?” I usually answer, I’m a sicko I don’t know. Honestly I don’t know where I come up with them. I just think like that and then write it down. To me, a greeting card that says sorry I got drunk and puked at your party is funny. Actually, a lot of these cards are based on my reality. Who hasn’t puked at someones party? One of my favorite cards says ” Sorry I got drunk and peed in your closet” and the inside says “and for kissing your dad”. These are jokes.

I like to laugh. I like weird things. I like honest things. These 3 statements are not jokes.

– know this much is true
no matter what I do
offend in every way
I don’t know what to say

-the white stripes