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Bad Sex…according to someone on the internet. And me.

January 12, 2012

I came across this list of “lousy lovers to avoid” on the internet.

1. The Leg Humper. In high school, I remember dry-humping being the pinnacle of awesomeness. Nights on the couch “watching a movie” ruled. However, once actual penetration was achieved, dry-humping went by the wayside. For good reason. Dry-humping is NOT better than actual sex. Ever.

Has this happened to anyone? Who the fuck is trying to hump a leg? Did a 14 year old write this article?

2. The Minute-Man. Okay, so don’t get all up in arms at me about this one. It happens. It’s flattering … until it’s not. If every time we get naked, it takes me more time to remove my bra than to complete sex, something’s got to give.

I guess this one is on. I’ve had this guy and it’s annoying as shit. After awhile you know it’s not just that you’re super hot or have a really awesome vagina it’s just that you’re dating a huge loser and you’re probably that only one dumb enough to have ever had sex with him.

3. The Jack Rabbit. I’ve (unfortunately) seen rabbits have sex. The look on the female rabbit’s face is always a mixture of shame and embarrassment, like, “How did I GET myself into this situation?” Which neatly sums up what it’s like to have sex with a Jack Rabbit.

I saw this guy on Sex and the City once but I’ve never had or heard about anyone having this guy. Also don’t you have to do this in a missionary way? I don’t think people do that postion anymore. This ain’t the 50’s, girls are on top now.

4. The Pushy Lover. It really DOES suck when you’re all ready to get down and dirty and your partner decides that they’re not in the mood. Been there. However, begging, pleading, and downright groveling for sex is not only not hot, it’s embarrassing. For both of us.

JESUS CHRIST. This is the worst. You have to be SLICK men. You have to get your lady into without her knowing you’re trying to get her into it. Pulling her hand to your boner isn’t attractive.

5. The Lazy Boy. Now, I don’t always need hours of foreplay to get in the mood, but if you just want to be in and out every single time, well, you can be in and out somewhere else.

Are the lazy or clueless? If I was a man I would probably be freaked out at the prospect of having to please a lady. Woman are like god damn combination locks. Not like one on your locker but like on a vault of diamonds. That shit is not easy to figure out. I forget my own combination all the time.

6. The Selfish One. There’s nothing I like post-sexin’ than to roll over and take a nap. However, if I haven’t actually climaxed and you roll over and go to sleep without a word? It’s time to roll right on over and out of my bed.

See this guy would not be able to go to sleep in my bed because no way jose, I am too damn old and wise to be tricked into giving you a blow job with out anything in return. If you have an orgasm you better bet your ass you’re staying awake to figure out my combination.

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