Your kid just shit on my floor

This is dedicated to mothers everywhere who use the term effing.

I don’t know why some people apparently lose their minds as soon as a baby comes into their life. Kids are alright but remember when you used to be yourself? Remember the days before all you guys wanted to talk about was diapers, play dates and coffee?

Tips for moms with friends!

1. Don’t call or text your friend and say let’s hang out! btw I am bringing my kid(s). Listen, we like you and your kid(s) (maybe) but no we don’t want to spend the little free time with have with kids. Exception: If said friend is also a mom who says effing.

2. While spending time with a friend, please limit the kid chat. People without kids don’t know what the fuck a percentile growth chart is or what it’s like to pull a hard turd out of a kids butt nor do they want to know.

3. If you MUST bring your kids, you MUST wrangle your kids. Don’t let them pee in the dogs water bowl, and if they do they have to sit in the trunk of your car for the rest of the visit.

4. No cutesy words. You know your friend has heard you scream things in traffic that are horrific so please, stop acting like the word shit is bad.

5. Don’t judge your friend without kids adventures. As your friend we do remember your wilder days of getting hammered and showing your cans so please don’t act like you’ve never blown some dude in a stank ass bar bathroom.

I have kids and they’re cool (i guess) but they aren’t the only thing that makes me me.

To the moms I say, remember who you are. That person hopefully didn’t die the day your kid was born, get your ass out there and do your own thing sometimes your kid will thank you one day for being interesting.