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Beavers are Good

February 29, 2012

Sex shops always draw you in with their colorful pretty looking toys, but beware because most of them are a bunch of bullshit. Here’s my list of the Do’s and Don’ts of sex toys.

This is a NO GO cock ring. Never trust any type of these little tiny bullet types. They use  watch batteries which is like the equivalent of having a god damn house fly buzzing around on your vagina. What you should be looking for is a cock ring that has the full size silver bullet that uses AA batteries. That’s more like a jet engine and jet engines insure quick orgasms for a girl on the go. See below.

Here is the DON’T of vibrators. This bitch below has too many bells and whistles. First of all it’s too hard, it give you an internal bruise on your pubis bone and that’s gross. Second rotating vibrating pearls? The dude that thought that up has never even seen a vagina. Then you come down to the rabbit part and it’s all pointy and hard, thanks but I’d rather not rub my parts till their all bloody and sad.

This vibrator below is what you’re gonna want rubbing around downtown. The Eager Beaver is cheap and easy (just like your mom). It’s a soft shaft material that rotates around (but you can shut it off if you want) and the beaver vibrating part isn’t hard or pointy, only delightful and effective. Buy the beaver, today. Right now.

These two items are actually the only sex toys a girl needs. All the other gizmos that are out there are a bunch of horseshit. Seriously what the fuck are you going to do with a 16″ suction cup penis? It doesn’t vibrate or make you dinner, it just sits there expecting you to do all the work just like most men with big hogs. Take my advice girls, get the beaver and a man with a smaller dong because they both like to do the work for you.

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