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Big Ass Ship

July 29, 2016

I was thinking today about an experiment I started at the end of 2014. I decided to live a life honoring what I wanted. I needed to find my authentic real self. I found a therapist who was just the right weirdo to speak to the weirdo within me. She sent me to yoga and in turn somehow led me home.

I wrote this post Jan 2015, https://candrasquire.com/2015/01/07/unearthing-myself/

It sounds like I am coming from a place of NO, but really I was saying YES to myself. Giving myself permission to BE.

Looking back at the last two years I imagine my life as a gigantic ship on the ocean headed in one direction when the captain decided we needed to go in the exact opposite direction. You can’t just whip a u-turn in a ship, it’s a slow deliberate process.

Shortly after writing that blog post I packed my notebook and hiking boots and headed to the mountains of the west to sit in my quiet. I sat and I wrote and I thought and I felt. I wrote a truth I’d been avoiding. I didn’t try to figure or make a plan, I just set the truth free out of myself, onto the page, and out to the universe.

At times I’ve fought the changes I set in motion or wanted to take them back out of fear. Shit man, turning your life upside down and shaking it like a little kid emptying the piggy bank because they hear the ice cream man requires some deep faith. Every lesson & realization I’ve had along the way feels incredibly hard-earned.

About a month ago I took my journal and some intentions out to the river. I hoped to do a little figuring on two pretty giant issues, life purpose and releasing my karmic relationship by finally understanding the lesson. I didn’t think that I’d be coming out of those woods 4 hours later with real answers, but I did. I felt like I floated my ass out of there.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.  The answers are there if you’re brave enough to listen. The more you ignore whatever it is the bigger it grows in size and toxicity. Think of it like a cavity (of which I’ve ignored plenty), it will grow and grow until you’re in pain, and if you ignore the pain it then grows so deep that now you need a whole root canal when if you’d just have taken your ass to the dentist in the first place you’d be just fine and on your way.

Do yourself a favor and follow your own light. The more you do,  the brighter it grows illuminating your path making it so much easier to navigate.

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