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February 14, 2017

Valentine’s Day. The day of love or the day reminding you you’re alone or maybe it’s just another fucking day and who cares?

For some reason whenever my ex informs me that he’s seeing someone new it triggers the same response in my body as it did when we were together and I’d learn of an indiscretion or when he would doubt out loud to me our relationship. Heart pounding, dizziness, nausea, flashbacks, anxiety. It’s kind of like PTSD where your body is trained to have a physical reaction. My body still thinks it’s in danger of my life falling apart and then my mind starts thinking bullshit, taunting me about how I must not have been good enough. Waiting until Valentine’s Day to tell me seems premeditated but more likely it’s just complete thoughtlessness. I don’t want to feel shitty so I starting to think about my lifetime of Valentine’s Days.

38 Valentine’s Days and counting…..

I remember my best one. I was 18 and I had the sweetest boyfriend. He was one of the good guys, the kind all ladies wish for and hope their kids find. It was just a simple thing, he made dinner for me. He set up a table in his room and had some flowers, got my favorite cotton club strawberry-cherry pop, and made some kind of dessert I don’t even remember it was just the effort he made that has always stayed with me. I remember my worst one. I got a card addressed to BUTTLICKER and on the inside he scratched out what it actually said which was something like I think about you whenever blah blah blah and inserted his own stupid joke in there that sucked. I remember crying because he clearly thought nothing of me and worse I let someone treat me like that. I still have that card as a reminder of who I was.

Use Valentine’s Day as a timeline. Who you were, where you’ve been, what you’ve learned and who you are now. It’s not about red hearts and chocolate (even though come on! Half off candy on Feb 15th is AWESOME), it’s about how you feel about yourself. I really believe who you choose as a partner is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

I have been young & naive. I have believed there was nothing else for me and stood still. I have been so scared that I felt like I literally could not move and if I did I would cause a landslide that would bury not only myself, but my kids. I have learned that landslides are kind of necessary for growth and perspective.  I have learned to run free. I have learned that you cannot wish people into being who you want them to be, or hope them to be, or need them to be. I have learned that happiness is a choice.

I have learned that the love we want from someone can only be found when you give that love to yourself first. When I started saying yes to myself is when Adam walked in. He walked in and loved me exactly the way I wanted, and needed, and had believed that it didn’t really exist.  He knows when to back away and when to scoop me up.He takes pictures of me when I’m not looking. I trust him. He would never let me fall. He would never cause me to hurt. I only hope I can give him the same in return. What I’m saying is LOVE IS REAL YA’LL.

I wonder if the love we need and can give looks like weird puzzle piece. We keep trying different partners getting frustrated when not everything fits just right. Why can’t this person just show me they love me in this way? Why can’t this person tell me I’m important? Why can’t this person just stop getting blow jobs in my car? Well dummy because your weird love puzzle pieces DON’T MATCH. They’re not going to magically match if you just take your love puzzle piece out and try to reshape it. Sorry kids, there is no reshaping of your love puzzle piece. You have to learn to accept & appreciate your edges and curves and where you are bent and then find someone who curves and bends in the complimentary manner. This analogy could get real dirty real quick but for real not every key fits.

Here’s to learning to love yourself and then finding the key that fits so god damn good you know if he dies you should just get all the kittens you want because there couldn’t possibly be two keys that give you orgasms like that.

candra-adam-cali

 

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One Comment leave one →
  1. SDC permalink
    March 6, 2017 7:11 pm

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