Price vs Cost

I’ve been thinking a lot about values and struggles and happiness. Like most people I’d like to make more money and be more successful but I wonder what I’m willing to give up to make that happen. Everything in life has a price and a consequence.

I was thinking about this in my work. I realized what I value more than money is being able to come and go when I want to. I’m clearly willing to struggle with money to be able to take off when I need or want to. Life is a trade off. Yes I can go to the beach when it’s warm and sunny but no I cannot buy a house.

When Bill & I split up we decided to stay married until we didn’t need to be anymore. We decided to stay married because it was easier than breaking apart and having to dismantle even more of our lives. We could stay a team and still have health insurance and cheaper car insurance. What I didn’t count on was the cost. What could possibly be the price of staying married to someone you aren’t with anymore?

It’s been two years since we have not been living together as husband and wife. Two years of being married on paper but also supporting each other through bad times and then being very distant other times. The push pull of the situation leaves me too open I think. It’s like a wound trying to heal that just keeps getting cracked open so the healing takes twice as long. For me being married to someone isn’t just a paper. It’s a connection. A partnership and a friendship. I value those things even when it hurts. This relationship is now 10  years old and for a lot of that time I felt like an after thought. I always felt like I was chasing him down waiting for him to turn around so I could see that he could see me and tell me I was important.  Ten years man. I have been feeling like it’s time to close this door now because if I don’t whatever is left of this wound cannot heal. The thought of now having to close the accounts of our partnership and figure it out alone is overwhelming and scary but what will happen if I don’t? I keep feeling like I’m running behind asking to be loved? (BABY LOOK PRETTY NOW MOMMY? Watch the first 30 seconds of the video below if you don’t understand this)

The not wanting to struggle with totally ending our life together has turned into the struggle of not being able to properly move on. Hopefully being willing to struggle with the dissolution will bring the success of feeling peaceful within myself. Either way I’m sure I’ll write about it right here in this very blog until I figure it out.