It was like a really long great summer love. We have been in each others lives for six months now and we have become best friends and family. I am sad that he is not going to be here everyday to put J in time out and lay in bed and laugh with, but I know that this is what has to happen to keep us together. It doesn’t sound like that makes sense but neither one of us can be caged. If we were to stay here together it would become a mundane cage. I’d go to work, and at night he would grow increasingly bored and go out and do stand up every night in a city that would never allow him to become what he is ready to become. We would be suffocating. I miss him already and it’s so hard not to have him here right now but I know that we will be ok. We will be better and stronger for this.
J made him a little paper heart yesterday and he took it with him this morning, but he also took my very real heart with him too.

I love you.

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover,
Something in the way she woos me.
I don’t want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.
Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don’t need no other lover.
Something in her style that shows me.
I don’t want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.
You’re asking me will my love grow,
I don’t know, I don’t know.
You stick around now it may show,
I don’t know, I don’t know.
Something in the way she knows
And all I have to do is think of her,
Something in the things she shows me.
I don’t want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.

It’s been a few weeks since my last post. I have gone 3000 miles away and back. I figured somethings out and left somethings unfigured. It doesn’t matter what anyone says about me. I know myself and I know when I am happy and when I’m not. Bill just makes me laugh and we genuinely like each other and want to be together. We have a good time. We aren’t worried about whats going to happen in the future or what our grand plan is because we don’t have one. We have had ups and downs but right now it’s up up up and that’s it. He is leaving for NYC soon so we’ll probably have the perfect relationship because we’ll rarely be together. In absence doesn’t the heart grow fonder?
Stay tuned, we’re about to find out.

I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.

Is that possible?

I feel like I am on a huge set of monkey bars. Struggling from bar to bar to progress in this world. I think the bars are getting farther apart and I am slipping.

I feel like going under the radar for awhile. I feel like I need to disappear to come back to life. I am so overwhelmed by everything in my life I feel the need to clean my emotional house. I need to figure things out.
I feel like everyone has magic glasses on and I am the only one without them and I can see what this world really looks like. It’s dark, and moldy and all the humans look like the monsters they truly are. These are probably not normal thoughts.

I keep trying to runaway but it never seems to work. For whatever reason, I just like that fool.

After all that had happened with bill and i, i thought that I had let him go in my heart. some feelings died that I had, but some came back in these weeks since Chicago. It’s really developed into a relationship that no one will acknowledge. Should it really be that hard to say wow I want to be with you? Are we both that damaged? and if we can’t say that then what the hell are we doing? We are only moving towards a heartbreak. Is it easier to say lets just forget about it and move on now or keep spending our time together because we like to be together and just ignore the obvious pink elephant following us around?
I found this song, it made me cry and it’s pretty true.

Incapable

Baby I’m incapable
I’ll just break your heart
I’m letting go
I don’t want to but I need to
To let you grow…

You’ll go on
I’ll walk the lines on the road
You’ll go far
I’ll live my dreams on my own
(You gotta let go
You gotta let go
You gotta let go of all of me) x2

I’ll break your heart
So you can live out your dreams
It’ll break my heart
But I want you to succeed

Baby I’m incapable
I’ll just break your heart…