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More Smiling

February 21, 2017

What are three thoughts that made you smile today?

  1. the words PET HAIR ERASER VACUUM my fuck if this is actually true I’ll start vacuuming for fun.

  2. reflecting on finally being coherent enough to hang out with my sweet love last night.

  3. This picture, and remembering how mad we were at this trail that led us to a crazy view of Malibu but did not take us to the parking lot where we desired to go.

fu-sostomo

Dreams aren’t free

February 20, 2017

Prompt #2 from Start Where you Are:

Write down 10 big dreams that haven’t come true yet.

  1. Live somewhere where it is always warm enough for my cold blood.

  2. Take a month long sabbatical from life to be alone to write and think.

  3. Write a whole book

  4. Buy a house

  5. Make a mobile boutique for trans kids to get free clothes.

  6. Take my kids someplace crazy none of us has ever seen before.

I don’t know if I even have 10 dreams. It seems like the older I’ve gotten the smaller my dreams have become. When I was younger you know I wanted to live in a house like Cher had in Clueless with the outfit maker thing, with a jeep, in sunny Beverly Hills and now a small practical little house that’s paid for would be even better than that. Do shrinking dreams mean you’re losing hope or you’re gaining perspective on what’s important in life? Maybe it’s because as we grow we realize dreams aren’t just things that happen they’re things that you have to work for and then we have to decide if robot servants are something we REALLY NEED and are willing to work for or if we’ll just wash our own dishes and relax.

Start Where You Are

February 17, 2017

img_4388I am a huge sucker for journals. Blank ones, ones with prompts, ones you wreck, and ones with pages upon which to write. How anyone can figure out what they think without writing?

The first prompt in this book is:

List 5 things that always & immediately bring a smile to your face.

  1. Unlikely animal friends. Give me those dog & cheetahs and gorillas & kittens all day everyday. http://www.boredpanda.com/unusual-animal-friendships-interspecies/

  2. Scaring people or watching people get scared. I can’t take it. Even if it’s myself. J does this to me multiple times a week without even trying. Little bastard. https://youtu.be/bKmYiKKSdM8

  3. Babies Laughing their asses off. I mean come on. https://youtu.be/8NYyIdvl-zk

  4. Getting to the beach and seeing that I am the only one there. ALL THE TREASURES ARE MINE!

  5. Finding a water source on a hike. I will always stop to at least put my hands in it if I don’t just set up camp right there to read and write.

It’s harder than you think to list 5 things that always and immediately make you smile. First you start to think I should say my kids or my dog or my boyfriend but come on, ALWAYS? Hell no. Sometimes you come home to a messy ass house and a kid who gives no fucks about getting that cleaned up before you get home. That shit is not met with a smile. Or when you step in some cat puke before you see your actual cat first thing in the morning. Sorry cat, no smile for you. Or when your darling boyfriend comes home and he’s wonderful and happy to see you but you’re a cranky introverted asshole who is overdue on alone time, sorry sweet, no smiles here.

Cupcakes, surprise money, a waitress walking right toward you with something delicious for your face mouth in her hand, shelves and shelves of books, mountains, kittens doing ANYTHING, these are a few of my favorites things.

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VD

February 14, 2017

Valentine’s Day. The day of love or the day reminding you you’re alone or maybe it’s just another fucking day and who cares?

For some reason whenever my ex informs me that he’s seeing someone new it triggers the same response in my body as it did when we were together and I’d learn of an indiscretion or when he would doubt out loud to me our relationship. Heart pounding, dizziness, nausea, flashbacks, anxiety. It’s kind of like PTSD where your body is trained to have a physical reaction. My body still thinks it’s in danger of my life falling apart and then my mind starts thinking bullshit, taunting me about how I must not have been good enough. Waiting until Valentine’s Day to tell me seems premeditated but more likely it’s just complete thoughtlessness. I don’t want to feel shitty so I starting to think about my lifetime of Valentine’s Days.

38 Valentine’s Days and counting…..

I remember my best one. I was 18 and I had the sweetest boyfriend. He was one of the good guys, the kind all ladies wish for and hope their kids find. It was just a simple thing, he made dinner for me. He set up a table in his room and had some flowers, got my favorite cotton club strawberry-cherry pop, and made some kind of dessert I don’t even remember it was just the effort he made that has always stayed with me. I remember my worst one. I got a card addressed to BUTTLICKER and on the inside he scratched out what it actually said which was something like I think about you whenever blah blah blah and inserted his own stupid joke in there that sucked. I remember crying because he clearly thought nothing of me and worse I let someone treat me like that. I still have that card as a reminder of who I was.

Use Valentine’s Day as a timeline. Who you were, where you’ve been, what you’ve learned and who you are now. It’s not about red hearts and chocolate (even though come on! Half off candy on Feb 15th is AWESOME), it’s about how you feel about yourself. I really believe who you choose as a partner is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

I have been young & naive. I have believed there was nothing else for me and stood still. I have been so scared that I felt like I literally could not move and if I did I would cause a landslide that would bury not only myself, but my kids. I have learned that landslides are kind of necessary for growth and perspective.  I have learned to run free. I have learned that you cannot wish people into being who you want them to be, or hope them to be, or need them to be. I have learned that happiness is a choice.

I have learned that the love we want from someone can only be found when you give that love to yourself first. When I started saying yes to myself is when Adam walked in. He walked in and loved me exactly the way I wanted, and needed, and had believed that it didn’t really exist.  He knows when to back away and when to scoop me up.He takes pictures of me when I’m not looking. I trust him. He would never let me fall. He would never cause me to hurt. I only hope I can give him the same in return. What I’m saying is LOVE IS REAL YA’LL.

I wonder if the love we need and can give looks like weird puzzle piece. We keep trying different partners getting frustrated when not everything fits just right. Why can’t this person just show me they love me in this way? Why can’t this person tell me I’m important? Why can’t this person just stop getting blow jobs in my car? Well dummy because your weird love puzzle pieces DON’T MATCH. They’re not going to magically match if you just take your love puzzle piece out and try to reshape it. Sorry kids, there is no reshaping of your love puzzle piece. You have to learn to accept & appreciate your edges and curves and where you are bent and then find someone who curves and bends in the complimentary manner. This analogy could get real dirty real quick but for real not every key fits.

Here’s to learning to love yourself and then finding the key that fits so god damn good you know if he dies you should just get all the kittens you want because there couldn’t possibly be two keys that give you orgasms like that.

candra-adam-cali

 

By Decades

January 2, 2017

I was thinking about all the pictures people were putting on instagram, me in 2006 & me in 2016. I hadn’t thought much about grouping my time by decades until then.

I was 27 when the clock told me it was 2006. My children were babies, Skylar was 6, Fallyn was 5, and J was just 3. My cats just 1 & 2 years old, and my beloved best buddy Nick was only 5 months old. My grandpa was still alive and my dad did not have cancer. In this last decade I have lived a lifetime.

I fell in love and got married, I made it through the agony and healing of the break up that followed. I watched some of the most influential people in my life slip away before my eyes, and have held & loved the new babies that have been born since. I’ve learned that parents are not immortal. I have moved 4 times losing much along the way but also learning it’s ok to let go. I have written about my life for ten years right here on this blog to make sense of what I’ve thought about anything. I’ve watched my red-haired dog turn gray. I have watched my children grow to adults. I think that’s the part that really hurts the most.

I have learned to appreciate every obstacle and hardship that has come along because I’ve been able to turn them into lessons learned. With my kids however, the lessons and mistakes made feel too great. The weight of hearing their tiny voices on old videos and knowing that in those moments I wasn’t fully appreciating it because I was worried about making dinner, or paying bills, or trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life is almost crushing. Maybe that’s the greatest lesson, time is no one’s friend. Time is here to teach us to appreciate what’s important by any means necessary so pay attention. Stay present and remember what it’s all for.

I wrote this note to myself about two years ago. I still have to remind myself of this daily.

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Babies with my dad

kids

Bill & little J

2007-may

2016

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and here’s me. same oregon, same brother from another mother, but the girl on the right is infinitely wiser with the understanding there is so much more yet to be learned.

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About Last Night

November 9, 2016

These are my feelings, you don’t have to agree but in the words of Louis CK “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

I really thought this was a joke in the beginning. My kids were worried. I have two daughters and a transgender son. They were fucking worried. I wasn’t talking to them about this filling their heads, they all came to me. They heard things and learned things on their own and came to their own conclusions. I guess they have been listening to what I try to teach, equality, being kind, trying to understand others.

They stayed up worried and scared and woke up sad and not really knowing what to do next and here’s what I told them. This is happening for a reason, maybe it is to unite the like minded people, to inspire the apathetic to wake up, to give the young a reminder that what we have in this country was not given,  it was fought for. Where we go from here is to be more diligent in standing up for what you believe and helping others up along the way. United we stand. Liberty and justice for all.

With that, here is an event I support and will be going to, maybe I’ll see you there.

https://www.facebook.com/events/346555445691358/

ONE MORE THING!

 

Witch Magic

September 13, 2016

I went to Reiki training over the summer without knowing what to expect. It was one of those things I’d always wondered about and thought about taking a class forever and then one day I just signed up. I didn’t have any intentions, or prior experience I just wanted to know, but this story isn’t really about that. Something happened at Reiki training that led me to where I am right now.

If you know me at all you know I am a hold my shit together kind of person. In reiki training we picked partners and worked on each other. During this some blockage was touched and I had an emotional reaction. I knew I had to dig in and get that shit out, but time sped up and it seemed like there was no time to sit in the quiet and look around so I’ve been putting it off, which we all know is terrible.  I think training was in July. It is now mid September.

Lately I’ve been noticing some physical symptoms that I experienced when I was in my marriage that had seemed to have left me so I wondered what’s different, why would these come back? I started to wonder about cell memory and maybe something was triggering what’s being held there. The only thing I could figure was maybe it was alcohol. I stopped drinking for almost two years completely and now I’ll have some. I thought, my body must remember the place I was in when I was drinking all that alcohol when I was unhappy and is reacting the same. The things we don’t heal and push down inside of us REALLY ARE pushed inside of us. Our bodies remember.

This led me to more information and articles and something I’d joked about really was true. I’ve been experiencing PTSD. Listen I know I wasn’t in a war zone or attacked in a violent crime but I lived in a place of feeling like I was on the edge of a cliff every single day and my body didn’t know I wasn’t actually in danger. To my body I was in danger every single day and it reacted in a way to save me. (I think I should clarify, I wasn’t being beaten or scared for my physical life, I was scared that my life would fall apart and I had no where to go and I didn’t know what I would do and how I would take care of the kids. I was betrayed a lot and still trying to hold on and make it work to keep all of our lives together. I was scared to let go because I didn’t want to leave someone else who was clearly hurting no more than I’d leave an injured animal on the side of the road) Reading through different articles and the symptoms down to the unexplained heart palpitations was really mind blowing to me. I felt relieved because all the shit that I’d been experiencing was real. It wasn’t just me not being able to get over things, or me being too sensitive, or me not letting go it was this whole other thing behind it. I felt sad, I felt shock, I finally cried.

I think I cried because as I sat here and these pieces fell into place and I finally had a clearer view I realized exactly how badly I’d been hurt. It’s like that thing where you cut yourself and you know instantly it’s fucking BAD so you grab a towel and hold it tight, somehow you stay very calm and level headed and the adrenaline takes care of the pain so you can focus on getting help. You then go get yourself fixed up and then after is when you freak out a little bit. You let down, you say holy fuck that was crazy! I guess for a really long time I’ve just been holding that towel over the cut not looking at it so I don’t freak out.

Learning about this is another piece of the puzzle that is me, it’s helpful because I’m realizing now that certain things are triggers and that’s why it causes a physical reaction in me and how I need to start to navigate all that shit and heal it. Everything is for a reason in your body and it starts in our spirits. If some shit ain’t right there, it’s going to lead to physical problems. It’s funny how we as a society accept SOME of this as truth such as, stress leads to ulcers but saying other things being wrong will lead to this physical shit over here being wrong and all the sudden people think you’re a wacko. Good thing I don’t give a fuck if people think I’m a wacko. If you need me I’ll just be over here healing my spirit with my witch magic.

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