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Price vs Cost

March 28, 2017

I’ve been thinking a lot about values and struggles and happiness. Like most people I’d like to make more money and be more successful but I wonder what I’m willing to give up to make that happen. Everything in life has a price and a consequence.

I was thinking about this in my work. I realized what I value more than money is being able to come and go when I want to. I’m clearly willing to struggle with money to be able to take off when I need or want to. Life is a trade off. Yes I can go to the beach when it’s warm and sunny but no I cannot buy a house.

When Bill & I split up we decided to stay married until we didn’t need to be anymore. We decided to stay married because it was easier than breaking apart and having to dismantle even more of our lives. We could stay a team and still have health insurance and cheaper car insurance. What I didn’t count on was the cost. What could possibly be the price of staying married to someone you aren’t with anymore?

It’s been two years since we have not been living together as husband and wife. Two years of being married on paper but also supporting each other through bad times and then being very distant other times. The push pull of the situation leaves me too open I think. It’s like a wound trying to heal that just keeps getting cracked open so the healing takes twice as long. For me being married to someone isn’t just a paper. It’s a connection. A partnership and a friendship. I value those things even when it hurts. This relationship is now 10  years old and for a lot of that time I felt like an after thought. I always felt like I was chasing him down waiting for him to turn around so I could see that he could see me and tell me I was important.  Ten years man. I have been feeling like it’s time to close this door now because if I don’t whatever is left of this wound cannot heal. The thought of now having to close the accounts of our partnership and figure it out alone is overwhelming and scary but what will happen if I don’t? I keep feeling like I’m running behind asking to be loved? (BABY LOOK PRETTY NOW MOMMY? Watch the first 30 seconds of the video below if you don’t understand this)

The not wanting to struggle with totally ending our life together has turned into the struggle of not being able to properly move on. Hopefully being willing to struggle with the dissolution will bring the success of feeling peaceful within myself. Either way I’m sure I’ll write about it right here in this very blog until I figure it out.

 

Hey Little Apple Blossom

March 12, 2017

The prompt says “Fill these tiger outlines with three of your biggest fears, then color them in until you can’t see the fear anymore.” #startwhereyouare

Fears and worries are different I think. I am not AFRAID of the future but the worries I have regarding it certainly keep me up at night. I have written about fear before. I think fear is a bully who manipulates you into standing still, to being at it’s mercy.

I wrote some of my actual fears. IMG_4633

The dark is a scary place. It’s unknown and monsters are known to lurk there, both the paranormal and human types. Plus how many times have you stubbed your god damn toes because there was no light?

Rapers. Under rapers the sub fears would be murderers, random attackers, robbers. I don’t want to be assaulted. Any time it’s dark outside and I have to go to my car I am on high alert. I have my stun gun out and my eyes and ears open. Everyone is a suspect.

Driving off a cliff while on a mountain road. Have you ever BEEN on a mountain road? That shit is scary. Twists and turns you can’t see coming and asshole drivers whipping around them like their car can just fly if it happens to fall off the road.

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It’s pretty fitting that the marker I chose to write with could not be covered up by the other colors. You can run but you can’t hide. Some fears are healthy and they’re meant to keep us safe. Others, like the ones you see on the Maury Povich show, are ridiculous and meant to be overcome. Someone running away from pickles and kittens like those things can hold you down and gauge out your eyeballs needs some psychological help. I guess the trick is figuring out which are ok and which can be colored over for good.

“come and sit with me and talk awhile
let me see your pretty little smile
put your troubles in a little pile
and i will sort them out for you”

-The White Stripes

Worship Schmorship

March 7, 2017

Circle the things you worship the most. Underline the things you’d rather worship. #startwhereyouare

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Worship is a heavy word. A word I don’t really like and I don’t believe in it for me.

wor·ship
ˈwərSHəp/
noun
noun: worship
  1. 1.
    the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.
    “the worship of God”
    • the acts or rites that make up a formal expression of reverence for a deity; a religious ceremony or ceremonies.
      “the church was opened for public worship”
      synonyms: service, religious rite, prayer, praise, devotion, religious observance

      “morning worship”
    • adoration or devotion comparable to religious homage, shown toward a person or principle.
      “our society’s worship of teenagers”
      synonyms: admiration, adulation, idolization, lionization, hero worship

      “he contemplated her with worship”
    • archaic
      honor given to someone in recognition of their merit.
    • BRITISH
      used in addressing or referring to an important or high-ranking person, especially a magistrate or mayor.
      noun: His Worship; noun: Your Worship; plural noun: Worships
      “we were soon joined by His Worship the Mayor”

    I don’t worship anything. I love things and I appreciate them. I also really don’t like the part where is asks you to underline things YOU’D RATHER worship. If you’d rather worship something else wouldn’t you already? Maybe this was an exercise for people who are kind of jerks to come to a big realization that they’d rather be someone else? I don’t know. I guess I’d rather be a successful person with a bunch of money than one who struggles all the time but would I really? We live these lives to learn different lessons and finding peace with that makes it a lot easier to not play the WHY ME game.

    David Foster Wallace said “You get to decide what to worship.” I think there is truth in that in the way of religion but in life what makes your soul feel quiet is not a choice. For me it’s nature. If I worship anything it’s this crazy planet, mountains, rivers, trees, and oceans. Nature is honest. It is a truth. When everything seems to be swirling so fast around you that you can’t even see you can lay down on the earth and watch the swirling slow down and then stop and the world will come back into focus. I’m not saying you won’t sit in poop or that a slug won’t slop himself onto your arm but the world will stop spinning.

Dream Weaver

March 6, 2017
tags: ,

I was thinking last night about how we see each other. More specifically thinking about how we see our partners. When you first meet someone it’s like the background blurs and the only thing in focus is this person. It’s exactly like this:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWPKKH6OCaE

As you become partners that person becomes so close to you I think they start to blur. You love them but it’s harder to SEE them; see them in focus how the world sees them, how you saw them before they were so close. This is how people get into trouble I think. It can become easy to take someone for granted or feel like you’re invisible.

Do yourself a favor, go out with your person and step back and watch them. Watch them interact with other people and watch them being who they are and notice how that makes you feel. Most likely there’s gonna be some butt grabbing on the way home.

For Adam.

Now you know why I like to look at your pictures, watch you work, and see you chase your nephews.

Panic & Light

March 5, 2017

What gives you light? #startwhereyouare

I woke up at 4am in panic.  I don’t know where my life is going. What am I going to do?  Should I go back to college even though I am 100 and I still have student loans from the first time when I never graduated?

What gives you light? warm summer mornings spent alone on the beach.

Panic. Is my daughter going to graduate? Is she bipolar and I haven’t helped her get diagnosed so she can get herself under control? I am not doing enough. I am not there enough. It’s easier to step back and ignore than fight. How will she survive?

What gives you light? Finding a spot tucked away in the woods by the river where no one can see me and I can read and write and think.

Panic. My daughter needs to come home and get off her dads couch where I can see her and make sure she is growing and learning to be an adult. She’s turning 18 in a few months and she isn’t prepared for the real world. She doesn’t know how to drive. She doesn’t make enough money. I can’t pay for college.

What gives you light? Meditative yoga class surrounded by kindred energy.

Panic. My son spends too much time alone in his room. How can I help him make real friends? How can I prepare him for the world? I am not doing enough. I am taking the quiet as a sign things are ok but really I am avoiding the work. I don’t know how to do the work.

What gives you light? Hearing my kids laugh together. I sound very scarce these days since we are always separated. You aren’t doing enough. You aren’t doing enough.

I believe I need more light.

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Fail

February 27, 2017

Dedicate today to learning something new. Describe what you learned and how this experience made you feel. #startwhereyouare

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The past few days I’ve been ripping apart the Salty Shop, shit is everywhere. It’s pretty much a tornado disaster zone. I’ve been buying some new fixtures and trying to reorganize and make space for all the pretty things. Most of the time spent doing this is me walking around the shop like a zombie looking at the space trying to figure out how to build new displays and most likely looking like a person who is about 2 inches from the edge. I’m still not done moving things around but at the end of the day I stopped and left the messes where they were because I needed to do some financials and business shit. Some months are better than others in any business but sometimes it feels so defeating. I just looked around at the place that I’ve built and all the shit that’s inside of it and thought fuck it I’ll just burn it down. I am thankful for my place and all the people that make it what it is but as I walked to my car I thought it must be really relaxing to have a regular job and know that you’re going to get paid at the end of the week and that if you fuck up you might get some kind of written notice saying you fucked up but you won’t have a shit storm of you*are*fucked sauce shower down upon you.

All day I thought about the prompt I needed to write about today and I just couldn’t figure this one out. I’ll come back to it, I am a master at jumping over the constant barrage of giant boulders life seems to always be rolling towards me. Towards all of us. It helps to remember that I think, everyone is currently navigating the rolling boulders so be kind. Unless someone says no this doesn’t put a hard inquiry on your credit report I swear, then you can say fuck your boulders hit the bricks asshole.

Be Simple (don’t match things to your butthole)

February 26, 2017

If you could own only four possessions for the rest of your life, what would they be? Draw them here. #startwhereyouare

NO. First of all I’m not a draw-er. If I draw it’s a stick figure or a wiener. so no.

4 possessions. This is hard. I used to hold tight onto things. I am a junk collector and things held meaning until the last couple years when I realized giving things up and away invites new opportunities into your life.

So if I had to leave my house now with 4 things and we aren’t counting children or pets because those things aren’t THINGS.

  1. Prius. My car can be used to haul my ass to somewhere else but it can also be a house.

  2. Palladium Boots. If I only had one pair of shoes I’d grab these. Hardy enough to hike but easy enough to wear everyday plus they’re cute.

  3. Backpack. I have a backpack that’s been with me since 2006, my first trip to Oregon and it’s gone with me everywhere ever since.

  4. Notebook & pens. This counts as one for me. Everyday in the aforementioned backpack I carry no less than 2 journals and 2 sub sacks of markers and pens.

Here’s what it boils down to, I need to be able to get around and hike with a journal and pen ready.  I have to be able to write what I think because writing my thoughts on paper makes my head feel much lighter. Trying to leave them in my mind and remember them is like dipping my head in cement and then carrying on about my day. and then repeating that day after day after day until I can write and by that time my neck has already broken, my head fell off, and dog peed on it thinking it was just another stump other dogs already peed on.

To the people who say O.M.G. I can’t live without this matching mug set because it makes my kitchen look so much cuter and it matches my silver wear but it also goes with my bathroom rug and it makes my  butthole look so much younger I say fuck you. You better take a look at what’s actually important and learn to function and have some self worth without things that you think make your other things match.

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