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Fifteen

September 26, 2017

This summer has been weird. Non existent really. Between trying to renovate our downstairs apartment and my mom getting sick I’ve felt like a glass of water that got knocked over and I’m just trying to keep myself from running over the edge, but the show must go on. J’s birthday was Sept 23 so we gathered the fam and surprised him with going to laser tag because he’s been asking to go for months and we haven’t been able to with all the shit swirling.

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We had an awesome time and after that we headed home for cake and presents. If you know J you know that he loves it and hates it at the same time. He hates the pressure of being watched and all the attention on him so I usually have to physically put his hands on the gifts and help him unwrap. This year it was like that at the beginning and then he started going on his own. PROGRESS!

In the last couple months I went behind his back and petitioned the court for his name change. It’s a process and a pain in the ass but I did it. I got the notice that on Oct 16 (which also happens to be my moms birthday) we get our day in court and hopefully he leaves with his new name. Jayse Indie Bannerman.  So for his last gift we got a big box and filled it with balloons with this new name and the court date on them and at the bottom of the box was the court notice. The following is a series of pictures of him opening the box and realizing what was going on.

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Needless to say there was not a dry eye in the house. Next up I have to battle Texas to change his gender on his birth certificate but I will do it. I won’t stop until my boy and all the other kids have what they need.

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And just like that my boy turned 15. Time can be so cruel but I am thankful that my 15 year old boy still asked for Spider-Man sheets for his birthday. (sorry J if any of your ladies read this)

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Cloudy

August 22, 2017

The one thing I almost always have are words but right now I feel like they have abandoned me. Gone on to another human who can remember thoughts or ideas. I can feel the words wandering around and sometimes they even bump into each other and grab on creating a partial thought but i suppose the story forming just isn’t ready yet.

My mom got sick very suddenly last week and on Saturday it was time to check her into hospice. I don’t really have a clue what I’m doing so I’m just trying to show up. I wanted to let people know what’s going on because some days the shop might be closed randomly or I might forget to text or email back. I am trying to balance everything and keep things in order but sometimes it feels like I’m constantly bumping into the intricately laid dominos causing them all to scatter.

Price vs Cost

March 28, 2017

I’ve been thinking a lot about values and struggles and happiness. Like most people I’d like to make more money and be more successful but I wonder what I’m willing to give up to make that happen. Everything in life has a price and a consequence.

I was thinking about this in my work. I realized what I value more than money is being able to come and go when I want to. I’m clearly willing to struggle with money to be able to take off when I need or want to. Life is a trade off. Yes I can go to the beach when it’s warm and sunny but no I cannot buy a house.

When Bill & I split up we decided to stay married until we didn’t need to be anymore. We decided to stay married because it was easier than breaking apart and having to dismantle even more of our lives. We could stay a team and still have health insurance and cheaper car insurance. What I didn’t count on was the cost. What could possibly be the price of staying married to someone you aren’t with anymore?

It’s been two years since we have not been living together as husband and wife. Two years of being married on paper but also supporting each other through bad times and then being very distant other times. The push pull of the situation leaves me too open I think. It’s like a wound trying to heal that just keeps getting cracked open so the healing takes twice as long. For me being married to someone isn’t just a paper. It’s a connection. A partnership and a friendship. I value those things even when it hurts. This relationship is now 10  years old and for a lot of that time I felt like an after thought. I always felt like I was chasing him down waiting for him to turn around so I could see that he could see me and tell me I was important.  Ten years man. I have been feeling like it’s time to close this door now because if I don’t whatever is left of this wound cannot heal. The thought of now having to close the accounts of our partnership and figure it out alone is overwhelming and scary but what will happen if I don’t? I keep feeling like I’m running behind asking to be loved? (BABY LOOK PRETTY NOW MOMMY? Watch the first 30 seconds of the video below if you don’t understand this)

The not wanting to struggle with totally ending our life together has turned into the struggle of not being able to properly move on. Hopefully being willing to struggle with the dissolution will bring the success of feeling peaceful within myself. Either way I’m sure I’ll write about it right here in this very blog until I figure it out.

 

Hey Little Apple Blossom

March 12, 2017

The prompt says “Fill these tiger outlines with three of your biggest fears, then color them in until you can’t see the fear anymore.” #startwhereyouare

Fears and worries are different I think. I am not AFRAID of the future but the worries I have regarding it certainly keep me up at night. I have written about fear before. I think fear is a bully who manipulates you into standing still, to being at it’s mercy.

I wrote some of my actual fears. IMG_4633

The dark is a scary place. It’s unknown and monsters are known to lurk there, both the paranormal and human types. Plus how many times have you stubbed your god damn toes because there was no light?

Rapers. Under rapers the sub fears would be murderers, random attackers, robbers. I don’t want to be assaulted. Any time it’s dark outside and I have to go to my car I am on high alert. I have my stun gun out and my eyes and ears open. Everyone is a suspect.

Driving off a cliff while on a mountain road. Have you ever BEEN on a mountain road? That shit is scary. Twists and turns you can’t see coming and asshole drivers whipping around them like their car can just fly if it happens to fall off the road.

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It’s pretty fitting that the marker I chose to write with could not be covered up by the other colors. You can run but you can’t hide. Some fears are healthy and they’re meant to keep us safe. Others, like the ones you see on the Maury Povich show, are ridiculous and meant to be overcome. Someone running away from pickles and kittens like those things can hold you down and gauge out your eyeballs needs some psychological help. I guess the trick is figuring out which are ok and which can be colored over for good.

“come and sit with me and talk awhile
let me see your pretty little smile
put your troubles in a little pile
and i will sort them out for you”

-The White Stripes

Worship Schmorship

March 7, 2017

Circle the things you worship the most. Underline the things you’d rather worship. #startwhereyouare

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Worship is a heavy word. A word I don’t really like and I don’t believe in it for me.

wor·ship
ˈwərSHəp/
noun
noun: worship
  1. 1.
    the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.
    “the worship of God”
    • the acts or rites that make up a formal expression of reverence for a deity; a religious ceremony or ceremonies.
      “the church was opened for public worship”
      synonyms: service, religious rite, prayer, praise, devotion, religious observance

      “morning worship”
    • adoration or devotion comparable to religious homage, shown toward a person or principle.
      “our society’s worship of teenagers”
      synonyms: admiration, adulation, idolization, lionization, hero worship

      “he contemplated her with worship”
    • archaic
      honor given to someone in recognition of their merit.
    • BRITISH
      used in addressing or referring to an important or high-ranking person, especially a magistrate or mayor.
      noun: His Worship; noun: Your Worship; plural noun: Worships
      “we were soon joined by His Worship the Mayor”

    I don’t worship anything. I love things and I appreciate them. I also really don’t like the part where is asks you to underline things YOU’D RATHER worship. If you’d rather worship something else wouldn’t you already? Maybe this was an exercise for people who are kind of jerks to come to a big realization that they’d rather be someone else? I don’t know. I guess I’d rather be a successful person with a bunch of money than one who struggles all the time but would I really? We live these lives to learn different lessons and finding peace with that makes it a lot easier to not play the WHY ME game.

    David Foster Wallace said “You get to decide what to worship.” I think there is truth in that in the way of religion but in life what makes your soul feel quiet is not a choice. For me it’s nature. If I worship anything it’s this crazy planet, mountains, rivers, trees, and oceans. Nature is honest. It is a truth. When everything seems to be swirling so fast around you that you can’t even see you can lay down on the earth and watch the swirling slow down and then stop and the world will come back into focus. I’m not saying you won’t sit in poop or that a slug won’t slop himself onto your arm but the world will stop spinning.

Dream Weaver

March 6, 2017
tags: ,

I was thinking last night about how we see each other. More specifically thinking about how we see our partners. When you first meet someone it’s like the background blurs and the only thing in focus is this person. It’s exactly like this:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWPKKH6OCaE

As you become partners that person becomes so close to you I think they start to blur. You love them but it’s harder to SEE them; see them in focus how the world sees them, how you saw them before they were so close. This is how people get into trouble I think. It can become easy to take someone for granted or feel like you’re invisible.

Do yourself a favor, go out with your person and step back and watch them. Watch them interact with other people and watch them being who they are and notice how that makes you feel. Most likely there’s gonna be some butt grabbing on the way home.

For Adam.

Now you know why I like to look at your pictures, watch you work, and see you chase your nephews.

Panic & Light

March 5, 2017

What gives you light? #startwhereyouare

I woke up at 4am in panic.  I don’t know where my life is going. What am I going to do?  Should I go back to college even though I am 100 and I still have student loans from the first time when I never graduated?

What gives you light? warm summer mornings spent alone on the beach.

Panic. Is my daughter going to graduate? Is she bipolar and I haven’t helped her get diagnosed so she can get herself under control? I am not doing enough. I am not there enough. It’s easier to step back and ignore than fight. How will she survive?

What gives you light? Finding a spot tucked away in the woods by the river where no one can see me and I can read and write and think.

Panic. My daughter needs to come home and get off her dads couch where I can see her and make sure she is growing and learning to be an adult. She’s turning 18 in a few months and she isn’t prepared for the real world. She doesn’t know how to drive. She doesn’t make enough money. I can’t pay for college.

What gives you light? Meditative yoga class surrounded by kindred energy.

Panic. My son spends too much time alone in his room. How can I help him make real friends? How can I prepare him for the world? I am not doing enough. I am taking the quiet as a sign things are ok but really I am avoiding the work. I don’t know how to do the work.

What gives you light? Hearing my kids laugh together. I sound very scarce these days since we are always separated. You aren’t doing enough. You aren’t doing enough.

I believe I need more light.

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