Panic & Light
March 5, 2017
What gives you light? #startwhereyouare
I woke up at 4am in panic. I don’t know where my life is going. What am I going to do? Should I go back to college even though I am 100 and I still have student loans from the first time when I never graduated?
What gives you light? warm summer mornings spent alone on the beach.
Panic. Is my daughter going to graduate? Is she bipolar and I haven’t helped her get diagnosed so she can get herself under control? I am not doing enough. I am not there enough. It’s easier to step back and ignore than fight. How will she survive?
What gives you light? Finding a spot tucked away in the woods by the river where no one can see me and I can read and write and think.
Panic. My daughter needs to come home and get off her dads couch where I can see her and make sure she is growing and learning to be an adult. She’s turning 18 in a few months and she isn’t prepared for the real world. She doesn’t know how to drive. She doesn’t make enough money. I can’t pay for college.
What gives you light? Meditative yoga class surrounded by kindred energy.
Panic. My son spends too much time alone in his room. How can I help him make real friends? How can I prepare him for the world? I am not doing enough. I am taking the quiet as a sign things are ok but really I am avoiding the work. I don’t know how to do the work.
What gives you light? Hearing my kids laugh together. I sound very scarce these days since we are always separated. You aren’t doing enough. You aren’t doing enough.
I believe I need more light.
Fail
February 27, 2017
Dedicate today to learning something new. Describe what you learned and how this experience made you feel. #startwhereyouare
The past few days I’ve been ripping apart the Salty Shop, shit is everywhere. It’s pretty much a tornado disaster zone. I’ve been buying some new fixtures and trying to reorganize and make space for all the pretty things. Most of the time spent doing this is me walking around the shop like a zombie looking at the space trying to figure out how to build new displays and most likely looking like a person who is about 2 inches from the edge. I’m still not done moving things around but at the end of the day I stopped and left the messes where they were because I needed to do some financials and business shit. Some months are better than others in any business but sometimes it feels so defeating. I just looked around at the place that I’ve built and all the shit that’s inside of it and thought fuck it I’ll just burn it down. I am thankful for my place and all the people that make it what it is but as I walked to my car I thought it must be really relaxing to have a regular job and know that you’re going to get paid at the end of the week and that if you fuck up you might get some kind of written notice saying you fucked up but you won’t have a shit storm of you*are*fucked sauce shower down upon you.
All day I thought about the prompt I needed to write about today and I just couldn’t figure this one out. I’ll come back to it, I am a master at jumping over the constant barrage of giant boulders life seems to always be rolling towards me. Towards all of us. It helps to remember that I think, everyone is currently navigating the rolling boulders so be kind. Unless someone says no this doesn’t put a hard inquiry on your credit report I swear, then you can say fuck your boulders hit the bricks asshole.
Be Simple (don’t match things to your butthole)
February 26, 2017
If you could own only four possessions for the rest of your life, what would they be? Draw them here. #startwhereyouare
NO. First of all I’m not a draw-er. If I draw it’s a stick figure or a wiener. so no.
4 possessions. This is hard. I used to hold tight onto things. I am a junk collector and things held meaning until the last couple years when I realized giving things up and away invites new opportunities into your life.
So if I had to leave my house now with 4 things and we aren’t counting children or pets because those things aren’t THINGS.
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Prius. My car can be used to haul my ass to somewhere else but it can also be a house.
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Palladium Boots. If I only had one pair of shoes I’d grab these. Hardy enough to hike but easy enough to wear everyday plus they’re cute.
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Backpack. I have a backpack that’s been with me since 2006, my first trip to Oregon and it’s gone with me everywhere ever since.
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Notebook & pens. This counts as one for me. Everyday in the aforementioned backpack I carry no less than 2 journals and 2 sub sacks of markers and pens.
Here’s what it boils down to, I need to be able to get around and hike with a journal and pen ready. I have to be able to write what I think because writing my thoughts on paper makes my head feel much lighter. Trying to leave them in my mind and remember them is like dipping my head in cement and then carrying on about my day. and then repeating that day after day after day until I can write and by that time my neck has already broken, my head fell off, and dog peed on it thinking it was just another stump other dogs already peed on.
To the people who say O.M.G. I can’t live without this matching mug set because it makes my kitchen look so much cuter and it matches my silver wear but it also goes with my bathroom rug and it makes my butthole look so much younger I say fuck you. You better take a look at what’s actually important and learn to function and have some self worth without things that you think make your other things match.
Troubled
February 25, 2017
Think of something that is currently troubling you and write about it here. Don’t try to solve it; just focus on getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. #startwhereyouare
This status update from 6 years ago came up in my time hop this morning.
She’s almost made it to 18 so that’s something.
Kids really don’t get easier the older they get which is the thought that helps you get through the sleepless baby nights, the terrible twos where they’ve learned to run and no longer tolerate being restrained, and all the times you feel like you’re grounded because there is no live in nanny to help. The reality is they grow too quickly and their brains don’t have the life experience we as parents have but they THINK they do and they believe that we (the parents) are real idiots.
Skylar troubles me. She always has.
She was born 3 weeks early which made her a Taurus, a stubborn little bull. I believe she was born 3 weeks early because she was simply done with being in there, never mind staying to finish developing she clearly knew better than nature and said NAH, I’M OUT BRO.
What troubles me is that I fear she doesn’t learn from her mistakes because she does not own them. I believe that lessons we need to learn will repeat themselves over and over until we understand them. You cannot understand what you do not acknowledge.
It troubles me that she won’t go to school when she’s doesn’t feel like it because she doesn’t think she needs to be there and that she won’t graduate.
It troubles me that she will technically be an adult in 3 months and that real adult world she will be entering has real adult consequences.
I am troubled that she cannot seem to hear me. If she can’t hear me then how will she know the mistakes I’ve already made ahead of her so she can use my experience to avoid those same mistakes and go make all brand new mistakes.
I am mostly troubled because I know that I cannot control what happens to her or the choices she makes.
When kids are growing up we give them walkers, training wheels and bed rails so they don’t fall. When they walk out the door we can’t keep them on a bungee cord that pulls them back inside if they go one step too far, no, instead we have to just trust that we have given them the right tools to stay upright with both feet on solid ground.
I remain troubled.
A Kind Kick in the Ass
February 24, 2017
Write down one kind thing you did for someone in the past 24 hours. #startwhereyouare
Today I was really busy in the shop trying to rip everything apart and start over, on a friday, a 70 degree Friday in February. Every god damn salesman and his cousin were stopping in to bother me. I find this supremely annoying. I don’t like chit chat and I can spot your bullshit and your clipboard 1000 miles away so I HATE when they try to bait me in with chit chat before getting to the point. JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT SO I CAN TELL YOU TO HIT THE BRICKS.
So then this doofy sweet looking young guy comes in and I can tell he’s nervous so I let him talk while I am doing other things. He’s with T-Mobile blah blah blah. I told him I don’t have anything to do with the phone bill so I don’t even know what he’s talking about but I felt the need to be kind to him so I let him give me a quote. Even though my current phone plan with with Bill and our kids and it’s in his name. I said this isn’t going to do a hard inquiry on my credit is it? And as I’ve been digging and trying to understand exactly WTF goes into a credit score I know that every hard inquiry is negative AND stays on your report for 2 YEARS. TWO YEARS. He says no, it doesn’t do a hard inquiry. So I said ok, he gives me the quote, again I tell him I’ll pass the info along and he finally leaves so I can continue ripping my store apart.
A few mins later I get an email “theres NEW activity on your credit report”
You son of a bitch. I hope it snows, rains and ices tomorrow while you’re trying to move in to your new apartment.
Being kind doesn’t always make you feel good kids.
Globetrotting
February 23, 2017
#startwhereyouare
This was kind of hard. I want to go everywhereish but it said where do you PLAN on going so I made a someday list. Also this map is terrible. Also as I proof read this I realized it said TEN places but the way I’d already written this is came out to a list of 10. I am amazing.
I want to go to Montana, Wyoming, Utah & Alaska because duh. Mountains, space, and more wild than humans.
Iceland for those milky blue waters.
The Scandinavian countries because I recently discovered that is where most of my DNA leads. I’M A VIKING MOTHER FUCKER.
Spain mainly because of the movie Vicky Christina Barcelona. The light in that movie was so warm and golden it made me think “yeah I’d look good in that light”, and so now I must go. NEW PROFILE PIC!
Italy because food.
Greece because mythology, ancient places, and those little blue and white houses in Santorini.
Israel (colored yellow where I thought it might be on this crazy ass map) because my favorite picture of my grandma is of her in Israel with a beautiful city below her. And cause I want to hit up the dead sea and see what it knows.
Japan. You’ll notice that I have only outlined it in blue. This is to indicate my only real interest in Japan is that fine ass sea glass they have over there. Little blue jelly beans of heaven.
Australia because the accents are good and I like the kangaroos. But this just reminded me of the other animals like man eating spiders and sneaky snakes that are actually looking for trouble. So I’ll keep this shit in the MAYBE column.
New Zealand because the movie Without a Paddle was filmed there (though they pretended they were in Oregon) and the nature looks top shelf. I’d like to get myself into that nature. All the nature I can handle.
I got a passport 4 years ago and they only place I’ve taken it to was a day trip to Niagara Falls. That’s sad. Here’s the thing, international plane tickets are $$$ and mama ain’t rollin in that kind of dough AND I don’t know what I’d eat in most places. I’d be like Karl Pilkington in An Idiot Abroad and have to pack granola bars. These are excuses but if I had some money and some time I’d be jamming around the globe with a journal, 5k colored pens, & bag full of american snacks.
Stand Alone
February 22, 2017
Think of something you lost recently. What are two positive insights you gained from the experience. #startwhereyouare
Friendship. Losing a friendship is a hard weird place to be. If it wasn’t you that backed off you wonder; rack your brain for shit that you could have done or something stupid maybe you said. You replay things in your mind trying to find the source of the rift. You get irritated at new people who come into the picture who may be hindering your closeness with your friend. You are FUCKING LONELY. You miss sending them a text that says something like “MY NAME IS ANDREW BERNARD AND I WAS WITH A GROUP CALLED DUNDER MIFLIN!” and having them acknowledge it and maybe follow up with some other dumb quote. You miss hearing about their shit and telling them yours. You feel lost when you realize you can’t just call them and say let’s walk because it’s weird now and you don’t know what to talk about.
I know now that people come in and out of your life to teach you certain things you’ll need to know throughout your journey. Some people stay for 100 years and others maybe only 10 minutes and the goodbyes are fucking terrible usually. When a relationship ends it’s best to sit with it and think about the lessons learned. Once you see the purpose of the relationship was it’s easier to let it go and be thankful for the lesson and grateful for the human. Like the different lengths of the relationships, the time it takes to sit with it and figure it all out alway varies greatly.
Losing a friendship forces you to step back and look at who you are without your sidekick. Sometimes our sidekicks make us stronger, louder, sillier, but others they make us meaner, more narrow minded, and shitty. Once that person is gone you have to stand alone and see who you are and make adjustments if necessary or realize you’re strong all on your own and you don’t need anyone else to help you stand.
More Smiling
February 21, 2017
What are three thoughts that made you smile today?
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the words PET HAIR ERASER VACUUM my fuck if this is actually true I’ll start vacuuming for fun.
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reflecting on finally being coherent enough to hang out with my sweet love last night.
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This picture, and remembering how mad we were at this trail that led us to a crazy view of Malibu but did not take us to the parking lot where we desired to go.
Dreams aren’t free
February 20, 2017
Prompt #2 from Start Where you Are:
Write down 10 big dreams that haven’t come true yet.
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Live somewhere where it is always warm enough for my cold blood.
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Take a month long sabbatical from life to be alone to write and think.
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Write a whole book
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Buy a house
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Make a mobile boutique for trans kids to get free clothes.
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Take my kids someplace crazy none of us has ever seen before.
I don’t know if I even have 10 dreams. It seems like the older I’ve gotten the smaller my dreams have become. When I was younger you know I wanted to live in a house like Cher had in Clueless with the outfit maker thing, with a jeep, in sunny Beverly Hills and now a small practical little house that’s paid for would be even better than that. Do shrinking dreams mean you’re losing hope or you’re gaining perspective on what’s important in life? Maybe it’s because as we grow we realize dreams aren’t just things that happen they’re things that you have to work for and then we have to decide if robot servants are something we REALLY NEED and are willing to work for or if we’ll just wash our own dishes and relax.
Start Where You Are
February 17, 2017
I am a huge sucker for journals. Blank ones, ones with prompts, ones you wreck, and ones with pages upon which to write. How anyone can figure out what they think without writing?
The first prompt in this book is:
List 5 things that always & immediately bring a smile to your face.
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Unlikely animal friends. Give me those dog & cheetahs and gorillas & kittens all day everyday. http://www.boredpanda.com/unusual-animal-friendships-interspecies/
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Scaring people or watching people get scared. I can’t take it. Even if it’s myself. J does this to me multiple times a week without even trying. Little bastard. https://youtu.be/bKmYiKKSdM8
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Babies Laughing their asses off. I mean come on. https://youtu.be/8NYyIdvl-zk
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Getting to the beach and seeing that I am the only one there. ALL THE TREASURES ARE MINE!
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Finding a water source on a hike. I will always stop to at least put my hands in it if I don’t just set up camp right there to read and write.
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