Skip to content

Worship Schmorship

March 7, 2017

Circle the things you worship the most. Underline the things you’d rather worship. #startwhereyouare

IMG_4582

Worship is a heavy word. A word I don’t really like and I don’t believe in it for me.

wor·ship
ˈwərSHəp/
noun
noun: worship
  1. 1.
    the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.
    “the worship of God”
    • the acts or rites that make up a formal expression of reverence for a deity; a religious ceremony or ceremonies.
      “the church was opened for public worship”
      synonyms: service, religious rite, prayer, praise, devotion, religious observance

      “morning worship”
    • adoration or devotion comparable to religious homage, shown toward a person or principle.
      “our society’s worship of teenagers”
      synonyms: admiration, adulation, idolization, lionization, hero worship

      “he contemplated her with worship”
    • archaic
      honor given to someone in recognition of their merit.
    • BRITISH
      used in addressing or referring to an important or high-ranking person, especially a magistrate or mayor.
      noun: His Worship; noun: Your Worship; plural noun: Worships
      “we were soon joined by His Worship the Mayor”

    I don’t worship anything. I love things and I appreciate them. I also really don’t like the part where is asks you to underline things YOU’D RATHER worship. If you’d rather worship something else wouldn’t you already? Maybe this was an exercise for people who are kind of jerks to come to a big realization that they’d rather be someone else? I don’t know. I guess I’d rather be a successful person with a bunch of money than one who struggles all the time but would I really? We live these lives to learn different lessons and finding peace with that makes it a lot easier to not play the WHY ME game.

    David Foster Wallace said “You get to decide what to worship.” I think there is truth in that in the way of religion but in life what makes your soul feel quiet is not a choice. For me it’s nature. If I worship anything it’s this crazy planet, mountains, rivers, trees, and oceans. Nature is honest. It is a truth. When everything seems to be swirling so fast around you that you can’t even see you can lay down on the earth and watch the swirling slow down and then stop and the world will come back into focus. I’m not saying you won’t sit in poop or that a slug won’t slop himself onto your arm but the world will stop spinning.

Advertisements

Dream Weaver

March 6, 2017
tags: ,

I was thinking last night about how we see each other. More specifically thinking about how we see our partners. When you first meet someone it’s like the background blurs and the only thing in focus is this person. It’s exactly like this:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWPKKH6OCaE

As you become partners that person becomes so close to you I think they start to blur. You love them but it’s harder to SEE them; see them in focus how the world sees them, how you saw them before they were so close. This is how people get into trouble I think. It can become easy to take someone for granted or feel like you’re invisible.

Do yourself a favor, go out with your person and step back and watch them. Watch them interact with other people and watch them being who they are and notice how that makes you feel. Most likely there’s gonna be some butt grabbing on the way home.

For Adam.

Now you know why I like to look at your pictures, watch you work, and see you chase your nephews.

Panic & Light

March 5, 2017

What gives you light? #startwhereyouare

I woke up at 4am in panic.  I don’t know where my life is going. What am I going to do?  Should I go back to college even though I am 100 and I still have student loans from the first time when I never graduated?

What gives you light? warm summer mornings spent alone on the beach.

Panic. Is my daughter going to graduate? Is she bipolar and I haven’t helped her get diagnosed so she can get herself under control? I am not doing enough. I am not there enough. It’s easier to step back and ignore than fight. How will she survive?

What gives you light? Finding a spot tucked away in the woods by the river where no one can see me and I can read and write and think.

Panic. My daughter needs to come home and get off her dads couch where I can see her and make sure she is growing and learning to be an adult. She’s turning 18 in a few months and she isn’t prepared for the real world. She doesn’t know how to drive. She doesn’t make enough money. I can’t pay for college.

What gives you light? Meditative yoga class surrounded by kindred energy.

Panic. My son spends too much time alone in his room. How can I help him make real friends? How can I prepare him for the world? I am not doing enough. I am taking the quiet as a sign things are ok but really I am avoiding the work. I don’t know how to do the work.

What gives you light? Hearing my kids laugh together. I sound very scarce these days since we are always separated. You aren’t doing enough. You aren’t doing enough.

I believe I need more light.

img_4555

Fail

February 27, 2017

Dedicate today to learning something new. Describe what you learned and how this experience made you feel. #startwhereyouare

img_4474

The past few days I’ve been ripping apart the Salty Shop, shit is everywhere. It’s pretty much a tornado disaster zone. I’ve been buying some new fixtures and trying to reorganize and make space for all the pretty things. Most of the time spent doing this is me walking around the shop like a zombie looking at the space trying to figure out how to build new displays and most likely looking like a person who is about 2 inches from the edge. I’m still not done moving things around but at the end of the day I stopped and left the messes where they were because I needed to do some financials and business shit. Some months are better than others in any business but sometimes it feels so defeating. I just looked around at the place that I’ve built and all the shit that’s inside of it and thought fuck it I’ll just burn it down. I am thankful for my place and all the people that make it what it is but as I walked to my car I thought it must be really relaxing to have a regular job and know that you’re going to get paid at the end of the week and that if you fuck up you might get some kind of written notice saying you fucked up but you won’t have a shit storm of you*are*fucked sauce shower down upon you.

All day I thought about the prompt I needed to write about today and I just couldn’t figure this one out. I’ll come back to it, I am a master at jumping over the constant barrage of giant boulders life seems to always be rolling towards me. Towards all of us. It helps to remember that I think, everyone is currently navigating the rolling boulders so be kind. Unless someone says no this doesn’t put a hard inquiry on your credit report I swear, then you can say fuck your boulders hit the bricks asshole.

Be Simple (don’t match things to your butthole)

February 26, 2017

If you could own only four possessions for the rest of your life, what would they be? Draw them here. #startwhereyouare

NO. First of all I’m not a draw-er. If I draw it’s a stick figure or a wiener. so no.

4 possessions. This is hard. I used to hold tight onto things. I am a junk collector and things held meaning until the last couple years when I realized giving things up and away invites new opportunities into your life.

So if I had to leave my house now with 4 things and we aren’t counting children or pets because those things aren’t THINGS.

  1. Prius. My car can be used to haul my ass to somewhere else but it can also be a house.

  2. Palladium Boots. If I only had one pair of shoes I’d grab these. Hardy enough to hike but easy enough to wear everyday plus they’re cute.

  3. Backpack. I have a backpack that’s been with me since 2006, my first trip to Oregon and it’s gone with me everywhere ever since.

  4. Notebook & pens. This counts as one for me. Everyday in the aforementioned backpack I carry no less than 2 journals and 2 sub sacks of markers and pens.

Here’s what it boils down to, I need to be able to get around and hike with a journal and pen ready.  I have to be able to write what I think because writing my thoughts on paper makes my head feel much lighter. Trying to leave them in my mind and remember them is like dipping my head in cement and then carrying on about my day. and then repeating that day after day after day until I can write and by that time my neck has already broken, my head fell off, and dog peed on it thinking it was just another stump other dogs already peed on.

To the people who say O.M.G. I can’t live without this matching mug set because it makes my kitchen look so much cuter and it matches my silver wear but it also goes with my bathroom rug and it makes my  butthole look so much younger I say fuck you. You better take a look at what’s actually important and learn to function and have some self worth without things that you think make your other things match.

fullsizerender-7

Troubled

February 25, 2017

Think of something that is currently troubling you and write about it here. Don’t try to solve it; just focus on getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. #startwhereyouare

img_4454

This status update from 6 years ago came up in my time hop this morning.

She’s almost made it to 18 so that’s something.

Kids really don’t get easier the older they get which is the thought that helps you get through the sleepless baby nights, the terrible twos where they’ve learned to run and no longer tolerate being restrained, and all the times you feel like you’re grounded because there is no live in nanny to help. The reality is they grow too quickly and their brains don’t have the life experience we as parents have but they THINK they do and they believe that we (the parents) are real idiots.

Skylar troubles me. She always has.

She was born 3 weeks early which made her a Taurus, a stubborn little bull. I believe she was born 3 weeks early because she was simply done with being in there, never mind staying  to finish developing she clearly knew better than nature and said NAH, I’M OUT BRO.

What troubles me is that I fear she doesn’t learn from her mistakes because she does not own them. I believe that lessons we need to learn will repeat themselves over and over until we understand them. You cannot understand what you do not acknowledge.

It troubles me that she won’t go to school when she’s doesn’t feel like it because she doesn’t think she needs to be there and that she won’t graduate.

It troubles me that she will technically be an adult in 3 months and that real adult world she will be entering has real adult consequences.

I am troubled that she cannot seem to hear me. If she can’t hear me then how will she know the mistakes I’ve already made ahead of her so she can use my experience to avoid those same mistakes and go make all brand new mistakes.

I am mostly troubled because I know that I cannot control what happens to her or the choices she makes.

When kids are growing up we give them walkers, training wheels and bed rails so they don’t fall. When they walk out the door we can’t keep them on a bungee cord that pulls them back inside if they go one step too far, no, instead we have to just trust that we have given them the right tools to stay upright with both feet on solid ground.

I remain troubled.

img_4456

A Kind Kick in the Ass

February 24, 2017

fullsizerender-6

Write down one kind thing you did for someone in the past 24 hours. #startwhereyouare

Today I was really busy in the shop trying to rip everything apart and start over, on a friday, a 70 degree Friday in February. Every god damn salesman and his cousin were stopping in to bother me. I find this supremely annoying. I don’t like chit chat and I can spot your bullshit and your clipboard 1000 miles away so I HATE when they try to bait me in with chit chat before getting to the point. JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT SO I CAN TELL YOU TO HIT THE BRICKS.

So then this doofy sweet looking young guy comes in and I can tell he’s nervous so I let him talk while I am doing other things. He’s with T-Mobile blah blah blah. I told him I don’t have anything to do with the phone bill so I don’t even know what he’s talking about but I felt the need to be kind to him so I let him give me a quote. Even though my current phone plan with with Bill and our kids and it’s in his name. I said this isn’t going to do a hard inquiry on my credit is it? And as I’ve been digging and trying to understand exactly WTF goes into a credit score I know that every hard inquiry is negative AND stays on your report for 2 YEARS. TWO YEARS. He says no, it doesn’t do a hard inquiry. So I said ok, he gives me the quote, again I tell him I’ll pass the info along and he finally leaves so I can continue ripping my store apart.

A few mins later I get an email “theres NEW activity on your credit report”

fullsizerender-5

You son of a bitch.  I hope it snows, rains and ices tomorrow while you’re trying to move in to your new apartment.

Being kind doesn’t always make you feel good kids.

%d bloggers like this: