My friends are all thousands of miles apart right now. Bonds I thought could not be broken are pretty much shattered and I wonder if this is the end of days. Friends are moving on, I am moving on. I thought I would have these girls forever. I truly believed that. In my entire life, I have never been so alone. My family is gone, my friends are gone, my relationship is gone and I am alone in this world. You never find friends again like the ones you had when you were 12.
I am happy for the times we did have.

jen-
this ones for you.

Don’t you just want someome to want to come away with you?

The time has come and I am indeed moving on. We spent the first night in the house last night. Although Chris was there as well. He says that he needs to stay out here a couple days so he can get the house ready for sale. Im too nice, but I told him he doesn’t need the house ready before he can take some clothes and go to his parents.
The girls and I went to Renners for swim day today. Good times, I think im burnt.
Back to the grind.

PS- Jen, if you’re reading this I miss you.

Chicago~
TOTALLY WEIRD.
Thats all.

You know what? I do feel better. Upon talking with one Mr. Josh Jarvis who is always a voice of reason and one of the best friends a lady could have, I figured it out.
I am saying what I feel and doing what I feel from now on. I was so sad yesterday thinking that I lost my friendship that I had with Bill. So sad thinking about all the plans we made that will never happen now. But then I thought, why does it have to be that way? I want to be with Bill. I want to hold his hand and get the num num kisses and have team masturbation. I like those things. In reality, I know human nature. It’s not our nature to have one person. It’s not and it never happens. I have seen it, heard it and been part of it, time and again. Here’s what I figured, I am not going to be faithful to anyone either. It’s just not going to happen but that doesn’t mean I like Bill any less or that I want to be with him any less. So why should he have different rules than I do? We both agree we really like our relationship and we want to be together. I think thats great because it’s hard to find someone you want to be around as much as we want to be around each other. In addition if some sex comes up with other people and we want it, we’re taking it. I don’t want to hear about it and I’m sure he doesn’t want to hear about it either. I will be respectful of our relationship and hopefully he will too.
Just being honest about reality feels nice. I bet if other people did it, the world would be a little less angry.
So, to Mr. Bill Squire:
I am sorry I called you a douche.

It’s a new day. Do I feel better? Nope. Why the hell do I like this guy? Seriously it’s not like there is a shortage of people that are interested in me (for whatever sick reason). But nope, I like the guy who doesn’t want to be with me. Isn’t that always the way?

im mad at myself. im mad that my brother just called me from jail. im mad that i am stuck with these press kits at the last minute. im mad that strauss keeps teasing me. im mad that chris won’t ever move out. im mad that i keep checking to see if bill is on gmail. im mad that he’s not. im mad that i want him to be. im mad that is it cold and rainy. im mad that i have a headache. im mad that i want to cry.

Here’s the really fucked up thing too, if anyone did actually say they wanted to be with me I would probably just leave anyway.

What’s so wrong with me? I don’t get it. Even guys that aren’t with me are sleeping with other people. I don’t understand why I feel so shitty about Bill sleeping with another girl when we aren’t even together. It’s like everything I know about love and romantic relationships just flys out the window when I like someone. I know that love is not real and that relationships never last, I know that. Then when someone I like enters in I forget it all. Then when something shitty happens, it’s like oh yeah, this is why I fucking hate everyone already.
Here’s another thing about me, when someone hurts me unintentionally or not, subconsciously (im sure as a defense mechanism) I automatically cut them off from my feelings. It’s the same thing that happend with Chris. He cheated, I flipped a switch. I just took me a year to realize I can’t get over that shit. I just can’t. I automatically feel different about a person. Please to all my friends that do read this blog next time you see me headed down the path of any man pull me back to reality.
C’est La Vie.