See Ya 2011
Obligatory recap of the year…
I keep thinking of all the shitty things that happened but then I started to remember the cool things and it’s really starting to seem like 2011 wasn’t the monster I make it out to be.
While Salty was closed for relocation I got to spend most of last winter just hanging out with my raggedy kids watching movies in bed on the weekends and it was awesome. Then Melissa and I moved Salty into a bigger, better space and have found a great new neighborhood for our little shop. I purged relationships that were no longer good and made a lot of great new friends. I was able to go visit with my awesome friends in LA a few times as well. A bunch of stores picked up my shitty greeting card line. I got to do lots of letterpressing for cool people, and a little for myself. I discovered Titos Vodka which has also made me happy many times. oooh and the kills. I got to see the kills for the first time and it kicked ass.
So I’ll just think of all the good things that happened this year and let all the things that were shitty slide away.
2012 is going to start off awesome, I get to go visit one of my favorite cities, with one of my favorite girls and get to see one of my favorite boys. YAY Portland, Melissa, and Joshy! After that I get to come home and go to NYC to see the Kills with one of my new favorite girls! YAY NYC, Jocelynn and Alison Mosshart!
My hope is that we all forget the bad, remember the good, and welcome what’s to come. Here’s to a good new year.
(this post is so fucking sappy that even I want to puke)
Mother Fuckin Public Relations
If I ever found myself in need of a PR guy I would hire Andrew Samtoy. He sent this to me this morning. He’s a real stinker.
I’ve long been scared of Candra Squire.
The first interaction I had with her was when I ordered a card of hers. Days and days later, after the party at which I wanted to present it to the host, she finally sent it to me; she’d been on vacation, she said, and was sorry, so she sent me a few extra cards to make up for it. The idea that someone could just up and go away on vacation like that was impressive, but also I was scared that I cared that much about getting a card from her. Then, a month or so later, I saw that she was presenting at Pecha Kucha at the House of Blues, so I went to see her. I sat in the front row and at one point my girlfriend at the time told me to be quiet because I was laughing so hard that it was embarrassing her. Candra was brilliant and hilarious and I bought something from her husband – a pin? Another card? – after the show on an impulse buy and vowed to do my own Pecha Kucha presentation someday, when I had something good to talk about. Until then, though, she was this incredibly creative card maker and comedian and I thought of her in the same way teenagers think about celebrities, which, of course, she kind of is, in a way.
I just realized that maybe I’m trying to be Candra Squire?
Dad and the Ukrainian
While at a graduation party this weekend I had the pleasure of witnessing this conversation between my dad and my cousins 18 year old Ukrainian friend.
Dad: Hey Im Mike, what’s your name?
Kid: blah blah blah (cause I don’t remember his name)
Dad: How long have you been here?
Kid: 6 months
Dad: You’re not going to blow up our country are you?
Kid: Laughs. I don’t think so.
Dad: Im just kidding, go smoke some dope.
Kid: Thank you.
Fucking Jack Off….literally
Yesterday was quite traumatizing.
At 12:45 pm a really strange man walked into Salty and announced loudly “I’m just looking!”, which was weird in itself. I actually sent Bill a text saying I had a real weirdo in the store. He was probably later 50’s, sort of slow looking, shuffling around using a cane and looking around the store with his giant thick ass glasses and lazy eye. Around the same time another guy walked in and was looking around as well. After about 10 mins the normal dude left the store leaving me all alone with Creepy Mcgee. I was sitting at the Salty desk working on entering in sales and he was standing 2 tables away from me. Next thing I know he’s standing next to me. He started to make small talk, weather, the neighborhood, then he asked what time I closed which didn’t seem scary until later. As we were talking I happened to look down to see his penis hanging out of his pants and dripping. My first thought was he must be retarded and unaware his business is out. He quickly left the store after I noticed this. As he walked in, a girl who works in the neighborhood stopped by for a chat and as I was trying to explain what I had seen I looked over to where he was standing and realized that he must have been jacking off while we were talking and I didn’t know because he left a whole god damn deposit on my floor.
That poor girl witnessed a complete Candra Squire MELTTHEFUCKDOWN. I was beyond freaked out and after the freak out came the terrified stage. I know it seems like jacking off isn’t that big of a deal but it totally feels invasive, violent, and threatening. It reminded me how vulnerable I really am. I wouldn’t have been able to fight that guy off if he would have tried to attack me, or any man for that matter- and that’s not an easy thing to think about. I’m sort of afraid to be alone now and that sucks.
I filed a report with the police and they most likely won’t find the dude right away but I think they will eventually because there is no way this was that guys first or last time. I hope the next time he does it someone takes that cane out of his dirty hand and shoves it right up his butt and while that’s happening I also hope a dirty bum comes in and jacks off all over his face.
Raspberry Cilantro Lemonade with Vodka
So here it is:
You need:
1. Vodka
2. Lemonade
3. Raspberries
4. Cilantro
5. Lime
6. Grenadine
Blend vodka, raspberries, some cilantro, lime and grenadine splash.
Pour 2 oz of that red delish over 4-6 oz of lemonade.
Instant party. What should I name this drink??
7 ways Guys Try but Fail to Impress Girls
This is an article I found HERE
I am going to add my 2 cents to each thing.
Playing guitar
If you’re genuinely into the guitar and you’re a musically-incline individual, then by all means, play away. But if you picked up the guitar or joined a band because you thought girls would be into it, then think again. Sorry to break it to you, but we got over the “he’s so hot and plays the guitar” phase somewhere around tenth grade.
um no we didn’t get over it in 10th grade. If a man can play a guitar that’s all we need. Play that guitar my man, and play it gooood.
Drinking too much
We get it – you’re a boy, you can drink a lot. There’s really no need to demonstrate by ripping 10 tequila shots before you even make it to the bar. Best case scenario: you only say a few remotely embarrassing things before you end up passing out safely in your own bed (alone) at the end of the night. Worst case scenario: we’re holding you up and cleaning up your puke at the end of the night.
This is true. If I had to clean up and take care of a man puking I would feel even more like his mother than usual. No thanks jackass.
Constantly being shirtless
First of all, why is it that the guys who seem to be the most apposed to wearing shirts are the ones who really need to cover up the most? My general philosophy in life is, “if you’ve got it, flaunt it.” So, by all means, if you’re at the beach, pool or even playing a shirts vs. skins game of basketball, then feel free. But other than that, you really shouldn’t feel the need to undress anytime a female enters a room. Leave something to the imagination…
I think if you have abs keep that shit underwraps, you don’t need the whole neighborhood seeing what you got. I’d like to be surprised when the shirt comes off later. If you don’t have the abs, by all means, keep the shirt off as much as possible. Let girls know, “hey I like tacos and beer”. Because guess what, girls also like tacos and beer.
Lying
Lying to impress the opposite sex is nothing new – both guys and girls are guilty of it. But fellas, you could take a couple of lessons from us on the art of lying to impress. Lesson #1: there’s a difference between lying and bending the truth. It’s ok to embellish a story, as long as it’s harmless and you can hold it up. But when you start making up huge, ridiculous stories to sound like “the man,” things can get sticky fast. Chances are, a mutual friend, if not you, will probably let your secret slip at some point.
Don’t lie at all. I don’t want to hear embellished bullshit. Truth is always the way to go. Plus it’s usually funnier. My husband is always brutally honest when it comes to telling me about the multiple times he’s shit his pants.
Wrestling with each other
I’ve never understood, nor will I ever understand, why guys choose to fight in front of girls, even when it’s just for fun. It’s a weird, barbaric ritual to try and prove your strength, but really it just makes us uncomfortable and makes you look immature.
Do it, I don’t care ! I just don’t want to hear about your sprained ankle later.
Purposefully being a douche bag
You think it’s impressive to act like a douche bag because you’ve heard girls say it a million times: “we have a thing for bad guys.” That being said, we’re not totally innocent here, but when I know you’re a genuinely good guy who’s just trying to be an ass to seem “cool,” then you just come off looking incredibly insecure.
I don’t think douche bags actually KNOW that they are in fact douche bags. Why would someone purposefully get a custom handmade cornhole board to with the sole purpose of looking douchey?
Talking about how hard you workout
We appreciate that you work hard to stay in shape, but it’s just odd to constantly talk about it. Instead of telling us how much you can bench press, why don’t you just let your good physique be the proof?
Yeah no one gives any kind of shit about how hard you work out. Know what we DO want to hear? How many fucking loads of laundry you got done in a day.
mr and me. a modern day love story?
The old how did you two meet question…
March 30th 2007 I went to my first comedy show in a real club to see Robert Kelly. I always loved stand up so I was pretty excited. I sat so close to the stage my feet were actually resting on it. Bill Squire opened the show and I thought he did a really good job but quickly forgot his name. Show went well and we were walking through the bar to leave – here he tells me that he tried to get my attention and say hello to me and I completely ignored him and walked out leaving him no hope of meeting me.
The next day I left a comment on the headliners MYSPACE page (that’s how old this story is) saying thanks for the show blah blah blah. Within hours I had a friend request from Bill Squire. His profile pic looked familiar so I looked in this saved profiles folder I had and he was in there. I had an idea about 6 months before this fateful day to make a mini documentary about the actual life of a local stand up comic and the 2 guys I found that might work for this were Bill and his friend Jim. I guess one way or another we were bound to meet.
I accepted the friend request and we started emailing and I asked him if he would be interested in doing this project together and he said of course. I mean really why wouldn’t he be interested? I am good time. We decided to meet up and figure things out so we went to the winking lizard and decided there were too many people there and ended up at Chilis instead. I am ashamed to admit this and have not been back since. So chat chat blah blah, check comes and he pays. He tells me later on this is how he knew it was a date. I was no aware it was a date. I was ENGAGED at this time and he knew it. For whatever reason we ended up at Best Buy wandering around and talking about movies and whatnot, sitting in the armchairs in front of the tvs like 2 creeps. After that he took me back to my car and planted his big stupid lips on mine without warning.
After that we saw each other every minute possible. I don’t even know why. I didn’t want a another boyfriend in my life. I was getting ready to kick the current one out and just wanted to be alone. In my mind I thought we’d probably have some sex and end up as friends.
Fast Forward to May 2007 we’ve been hanging out, no labels, nothing serious at all he goes on a fucking podcast he knows I listen to and admits to having sex with some drunk stripper while seeing me. I went away to Chicago for work and ignored his calls and texts and felt pretty sure we were done. Then I get a text from him that says he’s on his way to Chicago and where I am staying. I responded back and told him that I would be working didn’t know when I would even be back to my hotel. It got later and later until he was pretty convinced I wasn’t even in Chicago and that he had made the trip for nothing which I really enjoyed. Finally got back to my place at 10pm and there he was flowers in hand. Forgiven? Not just yet. First I got to take a picture of him totally naked and doing the buffalo bill tuck from Silence of the Lambs. If you think I still don’t own that picture you are wrong my friends. I should put it in this post.
I moved into a new place in June without the old boyfriend and Bill started sleeping over. BUT I totally made him hide his car so my kids never knew he was there. I went on a 2 week trip in July 2007 and I realized that god damn it I was in love.
Sept 2007 WORST EVER Squire moved to NYC. My head fell off. He did end up spending more time with me than in his apt in nyc but still it sucked. I remember one instance I was driving him to the airport to go back to nyc and there was traffic and he said well i’m probably going to miss this flight so I might as well stay. I wasn’t going to argue even though we both knew he could have made it.
Dec 2007 Totally engaged. We came home from a gingerbread house making event at his parents house and the whole way home all I could think about was how I needed to break up with him so he could go live a normal life and not be strapped down with my ready made family. That very night he proposed.
We’ve had our up and downs. Fights about tranny porn that ended with him packing up a bag to leave containing exactly one belt and one scarf but who hasn’t been there really?
This is us after admitting we were in love. July 2007. 2 stupid assholes.
Crate End Table
I picked up 2 big old crates today at a consignment shop and I didn’t know what I was going to do with them, I just knew I had to have them.
I decided I wanted to make them into end tables so I went to the old depot to get some hardware. (ignore the mess behind said crate)
Damn it dog, get outta my table.
I LOVE IT!
Now the question is can I bear to part with these and sell them at Salty??
Strawberry Basil Vodka Delish
RECIPE!
First make a simple syrup with fresh strawberrys and basil. 1 cup sugar to 1 cup water. Add basil and strawberries to taste. Boil 10 minutes and let sit until cool.
MEANWHILE take a buttload of strawberries and a wad of basil with some ice and crush it up in the blender.
OK now we’re ready to drink!
1 oz simple syrup
2 oz strawberry mash from the blender
2 or 8 oz vodka
top with tonic water.
Drink to desired drunkenness.
candrasquire.com 