Red Leaves
Fall is always melancholy for me. Sunless skies and falling leaves reminds me of all the days gone by. We’re supposed to use fall as a time to shed things, behaviors, people, or anything that no longer serves us. Maybe that’s the sadness- knowing it’s time to leave things behind in order to move forward. I am not good at saying good bye, I hate endings even though I know it means new beginnings. I don’t like when chapters end or when books are finished. I want to stay in the worlds I’ve discovered. Is fall like waking up from a warm sunny dream maybe?
Whatever it is, I’ll spend too much time thinking about it like usual.
So it’s time to reflect, let go of the things that don’t work and hold on like hell to the things that do.
“Your past is just a story and once you realize this it has no power over you.” -Chuck Palahniuk
Gifts
As I write this I’m sitting in my happy place, a nice rock filled beach along the lake. Being here is meditative for me, water heals and the things the lake brings up for me to find feel like gifts. To most people this old broken worn down glass is garbage, to me they are gems. I always feel lucky to find the pieces that come to me and I plan on taking some with me to every future beach I go to to throw in and let some other person find the long traveled gifts.
Gifts are everywhere if you let them be. Give something today to someone else; a helping hand, time to really listen to what they need to say, or just a smile to someone who seems like they could use it. Be grateful, it’s a warm sunny day in late September and everything will be ok.
Brand new shoes, walking blues
I don’t want to post this picture for two reasons. Number 1: It’s hard to see yourself not happy in your body and not doing anything to change it, and B: because Melissa FORCED ME to do the classic hold the hollywood sign gag. Anyway, I came across this picture of me hiking in the Hollywood Hills this past March last night and said aaaaahhhhhh shit let me put on that exact outfit and see the difference. Also why was I hiking in jeans?
The last full moon of the summer has come and gone and now im checking in and reviewing the summer here for all of the 4 people who read my pile of bullshit. It’s now been 13 weeks since I’ve had the alcohol and 12 weeks since I started walking and paying attention to what I was ingesting food wise. I never had the intention of losing weight, I still don’t have a goal and if you told me 12 weeks ago you’ll be getting up at 7 everyday and walking up to 11 miles before you start the day I would have said fuck off and went back to sleep.
This year has been one of transformation for me. The beginning of the year started off with my marriage ending and now we are starting into Fall hand in hand and better than ever. It wasn’t easy. It has actually been some of the hardest shit I’ve ever had to do. It’s daunting to face your issues and then decide to punch all the issues in the face and break yourself out. I didn’t even realize I was in a slump. I wasn’t progressing as a human I was just doing same old and I guess if I was paying attention to myself it was plainly saying hey dumb fuck, you’re not happy!
So here I am going to therapy and every time I go I think god I have nothing to even talk about and then I leave feeling like I’ve learned something and can’t wait till the next time. Through therapy I’ve started going to yoga which I found out that I love. I’m filled with gratitude and happiness and a new eagerness to see what the next day will bring.
I guess what Im really saying is that life is busy, it’s easy to get caught up just trying to make it through the day but take some time to pay attention to yourself and make sure you’re striving to be your best self. Push forward, make things happen, and everything else will fall into place.
The road to Missouri and back to us.
Our family left town a week ago to head out to Missouri for a vacation/Bill has some gigs down there times. We piled the prius high with bodies, blankets, and of course red bulls and began the journey of however many miles.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The last time we had all three of those raggedy ass kids in the back seat for a 12 hour road trip was two years ago and it was certainly HELL. Don’t touch me, she hit me, I hate you, I’m hungry, I have to pee, when are we getting there, can I buy this live hermit crab from the gas station and bring it with us HELL.
We stopped in St. Louis and went to the arch. We got into the scary pods of death and road to the top to check out the view. Did we scare the shit out of the kids on the way up? FUCK YEAH WE DID. Did Bill make them laugh their asses off on the way back, yep. As we were getting to the final stop to let the next set of tourists in to ride up he began screaming like he was terrified to scare whoever was waiting outside the doors to go up. I think J is still laughing about it at this very moment.
We arrived in Osage Beach for our first nights gig to what was certainly a meth prostitute bed bug kind of place. We decided immediately to find a new place to stay, and ended up down the road at a place with some pools and the children actually took their asses out into the wild and went swimming without us dragging them.
The next day as we were traveling to our final destination we stopped and toured one of the caves Missouri has to offer. We’ve realized that as a family we really enjoy caves. Cave Man Curtis didn’t even seem so murdery after spending a good hour with him walking us around this crazy cavern where bears and Native Americans once roamed.
We later found our way to Columbia Missouri where we spent the rest of our days. We found some good nature hikes, the kids found the mall across the street entertaining, and we also found some sweet ass records. The downtown was cute with some indie shops but I like the nature the best. I took the ladies out Saturday afternoon after a hotel mishap including a very overflowed toilet and some other things I won’t mention had left Bill feeling deflated. We went to explore a wild cave. We hiked through the woods and down a little cavern to find a cave that has been untouched by humans making sidewalks and light shows beneath the ground. Of course we weren’t prepared. J did bring a flashlight and I had a phone light but it was no match for this cavern. We hiked through slippery rocks and streams until the water was so deep we would have needed a canoe to continue. The girls started to head back first so of course I had to shut out my light and act like it was dead so as to scare them to death. I mean come on, I’m not going to NOT do it. Once out of the cave and up the steps a little boy was rushing past me and his parents were pretty far behind him so I said, be careful. There are CRRREEAAATTUUURREESS that live down there, successfully scaring not only my own kids, but some random little boy as well.
The trip was good. It was needed for our whole family. The dark, foggy, heavy air of daily life, outside relationships, history, and regularness had been lifted- released like a dog eager to get off it’s leash and run. Suddenly there was just us. The only thing that really mattered was just our family. Getting away from the everydayness brings the things closest to you into an extraordinary much needed focus. It reminds you that everything you REALLY NEED can fit into a space the size of the interior of a Toyota Prius.
Heart Meat
It’s amazing what the human heart can withstand. I’m not talking about the muscley one that keeps our bodies moving, I’m talking the one where we keep all of our love and compassion and empathy and forgiveness. (There really should be a spelling difference so we can be clear.)
All of our hearts have been fractured, stabbed and completely shattered but still they somehow find a way to repair themselves so we can continue to rely on them even though we sometimes we would rather curse them for betraying our minds.
I’ve wished that for each wound my heart would mend with Kevlar so that eventually over time it would become impenetrable. Then I think about how I would be by the time I’m an old lady. Aside from the fact that I’ll be a cranky old hag anyway, I would also be a robot who left magic behind. So I’ve made a decision.
I choose the pain. I’ll take those stabs that twist, and the times that shatter you completely to believe in the magic. I chose to believe that love is always worth it and that following my heart will always lead me in the right direction.
A word of advice however, don’t hide who you are from those you love and from those who you want to love you back. If you chose to stay hidden you can never truly be seen.
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