I started my photo project last night with Hattie being the first subject. It’s just because I want to have beautiful pictures of the people I love. I got some great ones of Hattie.
After we went to the Winking Lizard for beer and pizza and damn it if a pitcher and a half in if some dude didn’t pull up a chair. I don’t know what it is man.
So this guy sits down and starts talking about his girlfriend who he has been with for 5 years now. Apparently they haven’t had sex in 3 months. Listen up boys, if your lady hasn’t touched you in 3 months something is up, and what’s up is she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You annoy her. You probably fart all over her in bed and giggle. You probably leave your shoes in the middle of the kitchen floor and she trips on them while she is trying to make you dinner. You probably mess up her desk with all your mail and water bottles and bullshit. You probably mow half the grass and say you’ll do the other half tomorrow but never do. You probably waste your money on things like Rock Band that sits in her living room and gets dusty. You probably never wipe off the dining room table and think that it’s the self cleaning version.
Try doing something once and awhile and see what happens then. Don’t just do it once and think you’re in. Make a routine figure shit out grow up and be an adult and then see how she feels. You may be too late already and she is still going to leave your sad dirty ass but maybe just maybe you will be in time and you can still save yourself from a lonely studio apartment filled with dirty clothes and porn.

I mean it was good. Saturday Hattie and I shot a wedding that was really weird. We ended up with some stories at least. One of the groomsmen pulled me on the dance floor and really wanted to get with this lady. His name was Waylon, he was missing a couple teeth and he is a cook for Penn Station. Seemed like a nice kid but it made me think, are the people that try to hit on you a reflection of what you really look like? Do I look like I could be this guys lady? I don’t think I’m real cute or anything but it really makes you think you might not even be as good looking as you think you are.
Sunday Renner had her annual BBQ and it was so fun! I sat looking around at all our friends with all our kids and felt old. My favorite line of the night was when Perez looked around and said, “well she had a real nice turnout.” Then we spoke of the weather and heath problems. We are not yet 30 but it’s over for us. Lately I have been thinking about life after children. It makes me excited for the 2nd half of my life. After our kids finally move out and leave us, we’re still going to have each other and I think we are going to be crazy wild old ladies staying out till 9:30 and harrasing young boys and telling them to take off their shirts. I don’t think Im going to have this quiet maybe I’ll feed the birds life. I will be collecting my ladies and making them get on a plane to Vegas.
Back to the BBQ the night ended up with me drunk behind the garage. God, if I had a buck for everytime I have been in that same spot. We had a bonfire and made some sweet smores but the fire was so hot I couldn’t see and I lost both my mallows, luckily one fell in the grass instead of the fire so I picked that bitch up and smooshed it between some grahms. I am not playing around man. Bill had to come pick my sorry self up and take me home. Apparently I laughed the whole way. I just had a really good time.
Monday I took my man dogs to the beach and it was Gus’ first time. He jumped in the lake like a pro. He ran and played with the other dogs, nick swam until his muscles were shaky jello and charlie layed on the sand with his fancy gams crossed like a little gay man in a speedo on a miami beach yelling for another pina colada.
After that we went to Bill’s parents and watched the kids play on the slip and slide. It was freezing but they didn’t care. Little Evie who isn’t quite 2 took it the best. She got wetter than the boys and even though she was standing at the end of the slide shaking like Nick’s tired muscles, she wasn’t about to give it up. Her favorite part was when her mom, Alisha, picked up her little body and threw her down the slide. She did a barrel roll and landed in the grass then came back for more. She is a brave lady. Then Bill decided to join the kids and the slip and slide. It was awesome. When he was done both knees were bright red and he later told me he had something that resembled a man-gina. I believe it.
Happy Memorial Day.
that was yesterday.

This day finds me very tired. I feel like the walking dead. Whenever summer time rolls around I have an intense need to clean and get clutter out of my life. As soon as the sun comes out Im instantly inspired to be free. I hate winter and being cold, I swear to god I just wither away. I do not want to do anything but lay in a ball until the rays of warm hit me again. Holy lord, im one of those plants that come back every spring. Im a bulb!
So I tried to register for school and so far I have one class, alright! Im getting ahead here. I am in a general bachelor program so no one wants to let me into any of their shitty programs. I swear to god I hate college. Im almost 30, i am not trying to expand an of my horizons. I like my horizons right where they’re at thank you just let me take a retarded unimportant piece of shit class.
Im working on putting together our Las Vegas show and it’s a lot of work. I want to put together an event to meet designers that we can work with and build up some good business relationships. What better way to draw women into our company than a chocolate and champagne bar? Im working on it. It should be good.
So I haven’t told you guys about Gus! Gus is my new shop dog. Strauss and I adopted him from the dog pound. He is a 4 month old black lab. He is a big silly goof and Im almost certain he has no idea he is supposed to protect the shop. He does however love to jump up on the poor mail girl.
God damn, here’s another thing that is really making me mad. Where the hell does a lady buy a jacket? Why can’t I find a jacket that isn’t a hooded sweatshirt. It’s out of hand. I can’t be wearing a dang sweatshirt all the time. Im supposed to be a lady.å

Hattie and I watch the series finale of 6 feet under last night. I will tell you what that is the 4th time I have seen it and it still whoops my ass every single time. You cry so hard you do the thing where you are just sucking down air and then you get all dizzy and your eyes are swollen.
Also we made lemon drops.
I will just say Hattie went home with no shoes on.

Listen I know everyone is bitching about the gas prices and we can’t do anything about it so why should we even bother to complain; that being said, man I don’t know if I can drive to work anymore. Can’t we get some kind of national subway system in place? I mean if I had a subway available to get my ass to and fro I’d be on it. Think of how many people would just jam around like that. We would save so much gas and help the planet and give jobs to the mexicans who want to build the subway. I don’t know if mexicans build subways or just dig the hole to put the subway in but who cares? here’s the point, let’s get a subway so we can say fuck off oil man.

Nyc and Me

Well it’s been officially one year since ny and I began this relationship. I always feel like I have mixed feelings about ny. I can never quite figure it out, but I think with each visit we get each other more and more. There is a cover of anonymity here that I crave. I don’t really want to be alone anywhere else but here. It’s easy to get lost here and forget what you were ever doing before you arrived at e 45th and Madison.
Sometimes I hate it here. I hate the walking, the hurry, and the big to do everything has to be. Everything is a struggle and a strategy and you wonder why the hell you need to even bother. It could be so much simpler if. If, there is always an if. Sometimes I love it here. I love the peace I feel wandering through central park and I love when you come out of the subway and you realize it’s not raining anymore.
On our one-year anniversary of meeting I took some time to really get to know nyc a little more. I have been here countless times in the past year, but this time was different. I stopped and listened. I opened my eyes and finally took a real look around. I walked the streets and for the first time kind of got it, suddenly it feels comfortable.
Leaving is always bittersweet. Nyc implants itself into you somehow and leaves an impression, a stamp on you somewhere like you are better for having known this place. I know I have to get back to my real world and there are things I want to get back to but part of me clings and feels a little homesick for a place I have never even called home.
So nyc and me we have an understanding that we can probably never really be, but I think we both know that it will always be more than just a visit.

I just had a thought.
Death is like a glass shattering. In a second its over but forever changed. Each shard is like a person who was in someway related to the person who died. When the glass breaks each shard goes it’s own way because it has to and the glue that was holding all the pieces in place is gone. They say death isn’t really an ending, but it is. It’s the end of all the relationships that were in place only because of that one person who is now gone. Then comes the beginning, all the shards are forced to find a new relationship to replace the one that is broken.
Im insane, Im pretty sure.

Ah the 90’s, let’s take a look back in time to see what a typical Friday night would be for me.
Kristie and I would get to my house afterschool, drop our bags at my house and head down the the store to pick up food for the evening ahead. Our shopping list would look a little something like this, hostess cupcakes, oh yeah, couple a cokes, keep it comin, one bag of sour cream and onion chips and one bag of salt and vinegar, give it to me, one snickers bar and one twix, uh huh, one bag of sour patch kids, take it in.
We would head back to my house and wait for my dad to get home so he could start the grill. If my dad was cooking, it was going to be on the grill. My dad would roll in around 7 after drinking lord knows how many beers and get the food and all the hilarity going.
We would eat and retreat back to my room where probably every 10 minutes my dad would come in and lean in the doorway and say really obnoxious things and then I would tell him to get out and his reply would always be a fart noise. Well (put fart noise here) then. Looking back I can see how this would be hilarious to an outsider. After my dad would pass out and leave us alone we usually watched 20/20 and that’s when I would pass out.
We would wake up usually to the sounds of my brothers either fighting or just being loud in general and my dad screaming, would you two be quiet your sister and Kristie are trying to sleep!
Thanks for looking out Dad.

Sometimes I crave being in a warm place with the smell of gardenias and sea salt swirling around in the air and just sitting with my man being still.

Part 3 ~ The Funeral

I drove with my dad and my friends followed behind. I had a plan in place. The entire day my friends would provide a protective ring around me shielding me from people who wanted to talk to me, ask me how I was, and tell me how sorry they were.
My dad and I went in to the funeral home and he asked me to please look at my brother. I didn’t want to, but at this moment I knew he needed me to go with him. He needed it and he needed me to be there for him and I knew I had to. We went in privately before anyone else and as I approached I just wanted to run away. The image will forever be with me and it took my breath away. He was laying there so still, cold and artificial. They had his hair all wrong and he was holding a rosary. It was so fake. So I stood there with my dad and stayed strong. I answered his questions just the way he needed to hear them. Yes, it looks like he is sleeping, yes they did a good job, yes this sucks. We were standing there when my uncle Bob came in and joined us. I almost broke down right then because my uncle Bob looked at Frank and just shook his head and said “this is a mistake, it’s just not right.” For some reason it just hit me.
When we allowed everyone else to come in I totally abandoned my dad. I feel so bad looking back on it but I couldn’t stand there and do some shitty meet and greet. As planned I headed to the back of the room to a couch and had all my friends form a barrier and they did their job. We made jokes, tried to laugh and forget why we were actually there.
FInally after what seemed like an endless line of people we went home.
The next day we went back for a small service at the funeral home before we headed to the church for the proper catholic service.
We were sitting there in the funeral home and my mom sat down and asked me how much insurance money my dad was getting. I was in disbelief and I don’t even think I answered the question. I felt outside of my body and outside of my whole damn life.
We went to the church and sat in the front row. I have no idea what the priest was talking about, it felt so impersonal. This guy didn’t know my brother and here he was blabbering on. I just didn’t buy it. It didn’t bring me comfort it just felt like we were letting everyone in on our personal business. When the service was over we drove over to the cemetery in our long sad line of cars. We walked over to the spot and there was just a gaping hole starring us in the face just waiting to swallow up my brother who would never be seen again. I sat next to my dad and listened to some more static, my eyes were glazed over and I couldn’t even hear anything anymore. When it was over we had a lunch at a local hall. We were all sitting around eating when my friend Jackie, who was in a mini skirt, got up to talk to my dad. On her way back her legs slipped out from under her and she went down. She went down hard and make a huge ruckus, this made me really laugh and the worst day of my life.
After that day the only way I can describe the way I felt was open, raw, and wounded. It seemed like everyone could just see right through me and they all knew I was broken.