#4 The Follower

This was my main boyfriend in high school. He was new at the end of my junior, his sophomore year. I went up to him in study hall and said something stupid i’m sure but it didn’t matter because he fell for it. I dragged that kid around all summer like a puppy. By the end of summer I had decided that I was going to the army at the end of my senior year and if we were going to stay together he was going to have to graduate with me. His mom talked to the school and they granted early graduation provided he could get all the work done. June 1997 we happily graduated together and I went away to the army. I called and said we can’t be together if you don’t get in here too.
I got out of the army Dec 1997 just as he was arriving to the very same place I was to do the very same job. While we were apart those six months I realized there was no way I could marry this guy. Our whole life would have been me telling him what to do and him doing it. It was awesome having someone to go and get you cookie dough and cherries in the middle of the night though.

Where is he now??

We have never lost touch through the years since high school, we get to see each other every once in a while. He got married to a crazy person and when I said get divorced, he did.
He met a new girl and got married again, and this time it’s for good. She is great. I am super happy he found someone who loves him so much.
Oh yeah, he is still in the army. ( sorry erin!)

#3 The Gay Guy

We all knew he was gay but it denied denied denied. It was high school is a farm town, there was no way you could come out. He was very cute of course aren’t all the good gays? He made ma laugh and he loved to gossip about the other kids at school. He asked me out, we held hands that day at school, kissed good bye I believe and broke up the next day. It’s just didn’t feel right to me. I am sure it felt even worse to him. What I do find odd is that later in our high school career he had a girlfriend our entire senior year. I wonder why she didn’t know? I mean when they went and got matching belly button piercings one would think a girl would question a couple things.

Where is he now??

Still living in the same area but now openly gay and happily married to a great guy and their family of little dogs.

Why people tell me their crazy poop stories I don’t know but they do, here’s some for you i don’t want to be the only one with this information.
My aunt was shopping along at Hills one day when all the sudden she realized she really needed to take a dump. So she made it to the bathroom as quickly as possible. She locked the door and pulled down her pants and as she was turning around to sit down she started projectile pooping all over the door and it made a line o poo all the way across the walls until she finally got to the toilet.

Another aunt was at target just a few weeks ago when it hit her. She farted in the aisle and accidentally pooped a little, she lives in the south so she was wearing shorts unfortunately. Poop ran down her leg and she had to run to the bathroom and wipe herself down.

Oh my dad. My dad went on a job interview a couple years ago. He had to have a drug test done and it was the kind where a person has to go in the bathroom with you. Well he went in and was going in his cup when he accidentally farted. Turns out it wasn’t just that sneaky fart. He shat all in his underwear. So he has some guy standing right outside his stall listening to all this and he is inside his little stall trying to use toilet paper to scoop his own poop out of his underwear. So he gets what he can out and shoves toilet paper in his man briefs to create a barrier between himself and the poop. He then proceeded to the sink where he finds something very unhygenic. The water was off in the building for some reason! He had to complete the interview so he goes back and sits down and starts talking when he and the interviewer both realized that he really smelled like shit.
My dad said he was just going to take off.
He did not get the job.

Yeah, my mom too.
My mom was taking care of my dying grandfather one day when she bent over to lift him she totally strained and oh yes my friends out came the liquidy poop. She got him situated and left to get cleaned up. When she came back she told him what happend my grandfather said well you wiped me enough, I guess I can offer you a diaper out of my stock.

HHHMMM my boss
Mr KNOW IT ALL. He was in some important meeting in Israel when he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He just made it, or so he thought. When he came back to the meeting it was brought to his attention that there was a large brown moist stain on his ass. He jams it back to the bathroom and has to take off his pants in a public bathroom, wash them and dry them under the hand dryer.

Dammit Granmma
Ok so this one isn’t poop, but it’s still gross.
My granmma was shopping one day in a major department stuff with the above mentioned target shitting aunt. All the sudden she realized she had to pee really bad. They couldn’t find a bathroom anywhere and she started to panic. She ducked behind a rounder and let her rip. She peed right in her pants. She then GRABBED A DRESS off the rack and used it as a towel, wrapped her jacket around her waist and did the waddle of shame right out of the store.

Im sorry to have to burden you all with these stories but they are stuck in my brain and I laughed very hard at all of them. I do not have one of my own yet but with all this history it’s sure to happen soon.

The Drug Dealer

We met innocently, we were both working on a community Halloween haunted house. He was already graduated and living on his own and I was in high school so he was of great interest to me. I didn’t quite understand why people were always calling and stopping by. I honestly thought he was just a really cool guy everyone wanted to hang out with. Looking back at my high school days, I realize I had no idea people were doing drugs. I knew some kids smoked pot but that was it. So then the rumors started about my boyfriend and selling drugs. I don’t even think I asked him if it was true. I just didn’t think it could be true.
The end of our relationship was when I called his apartment and a detective answered.

Where is he now?
He is making sweet cash working for a major computer company with all his new computer skills learned in the big house.
We are friends to this day.

I am 29 years old. These are my dating stories one after the other on my journey to just find the one that makes me laugh.

#1. The White Rapper

Oh no, I’m not making it up.
Ah young love, I met this fine gentleman while still in high school. I was 16 and he was a year below me. Our dating consisted of seeing him at school, going to the movies on weekends, sometimes he was allowed to come to my house and just once I was allowed to go to his. My dad hated his gigantic pants and the way he talked. I mean we lived in a farm town. Where the hell did this kid think he was coming from? So I defended him to the other boys with their big stupid belt buckles and tight wrangler pants. I loved him. God what went wrong with this love you might ask?
He dumped me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. Ah those were the days.

Where is he now?

Living in his mom’s basement, working as a car washer, and cutting some awesome Cd’s available on the internet with stolen beats and melodies but with completely original and articulate lyrics such as “you run up on my ride muh fucka you goin die muh fucka what you high muh fucka?”. In his spare time he poses for pictures to put on his myspace with big guns from the costume shop and giant golden chains around his neck so as to appear tough. Don’t mess with him please, for your own good, I mean do you really wanna die muh fucka?

I spoke too soon. As I chased Nick around the table I got a pang of sadness and I know that it will be there until the day the wait is over.

Im settling into my role as part time girlfriend. Im missing him less as the days go by. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Maybe it’s only because I got to spend a week with him and I know I will see him again in a few days. Im really the worst at good byes.

i know he is busy trying to make it in new york, i just wish he would be a little more considerate of my feelings. it only takes a sec to send a message. just an im thinking about you too kind of thing.
baby please, don’t forget you love me.

he is everywhere. in the broken bike chain. in the toy he bought nick. in mint oreos. in the marcos pizza shop. in my lonely empty bed. in the eyes of the ladies who are asking where he is. in nicks hopeful wagging tail. at this computer desk.
i am haunted.

Skylar’s chain popped off her bike and I cried. I don’t know how to fix a bike chain.
I miss Bill.
And then when I came in there was a little slug on my pants leg. Fucking Gross.