A Skating Rink is a Weird Place
So I took my rags skating yesterday and it’s a weird place. None of my kids can skate and I don’t know how to teach them. I say push off like this or hold my hand but none of these are good suggestions. How do yo TEACH someone to skate? You put wheels and your feet and roll man.
Skylar inched her way around ONE TIME before taking off her skates and standing there like a gargoyle the rest of the time.
Fallyn figured out what to do and jammed around like a fool meanwhile J and I held hands and tried not to fall. She fell down twice however. The first time I was able to stop thanks to her “bad pinky” as she calls it (due to an unfortunate accident which involved her getting it caught in a treadmill). The second time she fell in front of me she got my elbow to her head.
There are always weirdos at the skating rink. The birthday party moms kill me. You have the matchers, I guess so you can find your kid? The fat mom who refuses to skate with her fat kid so they both just sit there uncomfortably. Finally you have the I used to be the skating QUEEN mom. Her kid can skate like a demon leaving her to skate dance all by herself. You gotta admire her I don’t give a shit I am going to jam out to this Justin Bieber attitude.
After awhile J and I had enough and needed some slushies. Skating Rinks are the only place that still sell the classic Slush Puppies I think. I had green.
Get Real
At least with me.
I get it, everyone wants to make nice and not make any kind of waves and be totally politically correct well guess what I am politically unacceptable and that’s ok with me. I try to just be honest and if I want to say something no matter how petty or stupid I am going to say it. I am a somewhat normal person and when something is bothering me or when someone pisses me off I say so. Fuck “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”. If it makes you feel better than say it. There’s no award for being the MOST POSITIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING IN LIFE. We are ALLOWED to talk shit or just talk truth. Toughen up friends this is a city, I didn’t call your baby ugly.
Cleveland is alright. It’s not super awesome and it’s not fucking Detroit. It’s alright. What I do like about it is that it’s supposed to be real and gritty so why can’t we all follow its lead and be real and gritty too?
Social Outing #1 Yelp Staycation Party
My resolution this year was to attend at LEAST one social function a month. This is hard for me as I am a retard when it comes to talking to people.
Anyway a few weeks ago I braved it and went to the Yelp Staycation party. I invited people I knew so I wouldn’t be alone, kind of a cop out but who cares. So Cara the lovely Yelp Girl greeted us at the door and the sweet thing about yelp parties is free shit. You know I got the key chain bottle opener, chap stick, and some handy nail files. I love FREE SHIT! Oh and there were also free Moscow Mules and Magic Hat to be drank.
I sat around a big table with some people I knew and drank some drinks and talked some talk and made it out alive.
After that I went with a new friend over to Bac in tremont where I had some kind of cucumber drink that was delish and some super tasty pad thai. It was actually painless.
Did I get stopped by CPD on the way home? Yes. I don’t know how to work the new car so I had no lights on. I acted dumb which was easy and the cop gave me a prius lesson and away I went.
I learned from this outing that I like free things, and the Bac has kick ass pad thai.
I don’t know yet what February may bring in the way of social outings. Im still scared though.
Fun with Craigslist
Panties
white professional male buying panties,must be local and petite,I am real you be too,put real in subject
http://cleveland.craigslist.org/cas/2170147843.html
Apparently this dude can guess your weight by smelling your crusty underwear. He should work at the carnival.
free tongue baths 29-30th
visiting end of the month and looking to give a nice lady some please safe and discrete here….lets set this up now
http://cleveland.craigslist.org/cas/2166083870.html
Sorry sir, you don’t have the same scratchy tongue my cat has.
I want a bj now – m4w – 22
Send me pic and location. Be near me. Put big cock in the subject line.
http://cleveland.craigslist.org/cas/2174593199.html
If this is real, this guy is part horse. It’s gross. and ps no one is going to drop what they’re doing to go blow a stranger unless they’re a sad closeted husband trying to keep shit on the DL.
is there any edible pussy out there?
is there any women out there needing a good licking to orgasm after orgasm. Please reply with pic.
http://cleveland.craigslist.org/cas/2173834786.html
I wish someone would reply to this ad and show up with a vag cake and shove it right in his face.
I want it in my butt in my truck
I am a 38 yr old man. I am 6ft tall and 185 pds. I have a job and a home and I was married for 4 yrs to woman. I want to meet a man that will give it to me hard in my happy hole in my truck or your home. Please be in shape and safe sex only.
http://cleveland.craigslist.org/cas/2174687067.html
I gotta give it to this guy. He really made me laugh. Like there’s really enough room in a truck for butt sex.
I have no title.
I don’t write regularly anymore and I am going to try to change that. Inspiration comes from all kinds of places but mine usually comes from being around books. Today it comes from a fake writer on a tv show. I think if I spent more time in bookstores I would probably write more. Maybe that’s the key, go be one of those weirdos in starbucks at Barnes and Noble and write on a laptop.
Anyway Im thinking that I would finally like to start my story. Nothing extraordinary just stories of my life. maybe I’ll write them here one by one or maybe I’ll hide them all away from you all. Who the shit knows.
One thing I am working on like a crazy person is sending card samples out to stores. When people email me about wanting to be represented in my store I get back to them at some point. Unless you have the worst shit ever I’ll email you back. Why can’t people just email? It takes 3 seconds. “Your cards are a little too shitty for us.” One sentence, that’s all I need.
I will have an exciting announcement of a new store that picked up my line soon. It’s in Hollywood and it’s perfect for me.
That. is. all.
offend in every way
Is this thing on? hello? tap tap tap. oh ok there we go.
Dear Friends, Loved Ones, Strangers, and Weirdos,
I write HORRIBLE GREETING CARDS. It says that right on my banner. I make fun of everything and you know what sometimes that includes touchy subject material types of things. These are jokes. How many times have you said to your person or your friend I’m gonna kick your ass. Did you really kick their ass? Probably not. These are jokes.
People always surprise me. When I see bitchy looking people, or little old lady types walking over to me to read my cards I get nervous. I watch and wait for the moment they open that card and read whatever gem is bound to be inside. Will they raise their eyebrows and say “wwwwoooooowwww” or will they yell to their friend “get over here and read this”? For the record I hate the WOW. Don’t say WOW. These are jokes.
People ask “where do you come up with these?” I usually answer, I’m a sicko I don’t know. Honestly I don’t know where I come up with them. I just think like that and then write it down. To me, a greeting card that says sorry I got drunk and puked at your party is funny. Actually, a lot of these cards are based on my reality. Who hasn’t puked at someones party? One of my favorite cards says ” Sorry I got drunk and peed in your closet” and the inside says “and for kissing your dad”. These are jokes.
I like to laugh. I like weird things. I like honest things. These 3 statements are not jokes.
– know this much is true
no matter what I do
offend in every way
I don’t know what to say
-the white stripes
just a day
does anyone else do weird things to their person? not person like on my person but like whoever you wake up with. A regular day starts with me jackassing around in bed to wake Bill up and then I’ll do things like take the hair that falls out of my head and put it on his face when he’s not looking, or touching his tongue with my finger when he yawns. The other night (I sleep low on the bed and he sleeps high his extra long ass crack is usually right at the same level as my face and it always makes me mad) I found a big wad of nicks dog tail hair and I totally shoved it in his crack without him even noticing. I think I’d notice if a something the size and feel of a giant cotton ball was shoved in my butt. Other annoying things I do to him include hiding his pillow when he gets up to pee so when he lays down in the dark his head hits the bed real hard, putting strings or hairs in his ear holes, general nipple pinching, leaving the light on when he’s trying to sleep so he has to get up to shut it off, and when he’s not looking I wrap his stinky little security blankets around the dogs.
To be fair, he does fart me out of bed every morning and night and frequently wakes me up with his sleep jacking. Also, he ate all the Halloween candy. I feel Im justified. It’s the little things.
I just wanted to know if anyone else out there does weird shit to their person too, or is it just me?
Holy Santa Claus Shit. Bust Craftacular Vendor 2010!
How did I get into this fine event? Don’t ask me. I guess they like hand drawn weiner cards. You should come. It’s going to be banana cakes.
List of Shit
List of Shit
(you probably don’t care about)
1. If there’s a shit ton of traffic, just turn right and then turn around so you don’t wait hopefully like someone is going to stop traffic so you can pull out. It’s not going to happen, bite the friggin bullet and just turn twice. Jesus.
2. Go to Wal-Mart only in case of an emergency. How is it that one store can attract what looks to be the literal BOTTOM OF THE BARREL? Seriously have you EVER been in there when it wasn’t necessary to take someones picture and put it up on the people of wal mart blog?
3. Get to the damn movies no less than 20 mins ahead of time. Why do you want to have to haul ass into the show missing all the good previews and sitting next to some nose whistler? Why? and speaking of the movies…
4. When at the movies don’t sit next to a stranger unless its a sold out show. There is NO REASON you must sit down next to me when there are plenty of seats that aren’t next to me. What kind of weirdo SEEKS OUT a seat next to a stranger? serial killers and aspergers people. Neither of which you want next to you for movie time.
5. When at a toll booth do not treat it as your personal fucking information booth. You’re allowed this much, HI, HOW MUCH? THANKS and then move your under crowed SUV ass out of the line.
6. SUV DRIVERS. Why? Do you have 3 kids? hmmm no doesn’t look that way. Do you drive senior citizens around to appointments? doesn’t smell like old man pee in here so no. Are you mexican with a large extended family who all pile in the car at once? no you’re a tiny white woman. Guess what? You’re also an asshole.
California
Dude road trip to CA started off driving the giant ass van through an Ohio blizzard. 85 miles from home the fucking heat went out in the van. We decided we could tough it through the night with no heat so we stopped at wal mart, got some long underwear feet warmers and settled in. We made it about 10 miles before the windows iced up so bad we had to stop for the night.
We spent half the next day in a weird little auto repair shop reading food magazines and waiting for heat.
We finally did get some heat but in exchange for a quick rigged system we could not turn OFF the heat. Awesome. From driving in parkas to driving in underwear in less than 12 hours.
We stopped somewhere in MO to sleep then it was off to Amarillo TX to meet my twitter friend Rock for some BBQ. Getting into Texas there was a freak ice storm and we had to stop to try to scrap our completly iced up windshield before arriving. Sweet.
After meeting Rock (who did not turn out to be a murderer just a delightful lady) we headed off into the blackness of New Mexico. We stopped somewhere around here for the night.
The next day we started off while it was still dark and as we headed toward ABQ the sun came up and exposed a land of red rocks that pretty much looked like we had woken up on Mars.
We were on our way to LA but we could not pass up the chance to go to the petrified forest. It was awesome. PS- Renner stole some forbidden petrified wood.
We found ourselves in the LA traffic at 11pm which is really dumb. Get it together LA. Anyway we drive into the neighborhood where Renners cousin lives and we were staying for the night. We passed the house, had to turn around and parked on the road. We got out and went up to the door and I noticed that the mailbox said some crazy name but I just thought Mike is crazy and I have no idea what this mail box joke is. So we ring the bell and stand there like fools for a minute until we hear him coming down the stairs. Instead of opening the door he yells, WHO YOU WANT? We didn’t know what the hell we was talking about so we just stood there and looked at each other. He yelled WHO YOU WANT about 3 more times before Renner finally yelled IS THIS MIKES HOUSE?
Turns out, it wasn’t. We ran away screaming and laughing at the same time.
Mike actually lived 2 houses up in the EXACT same style and color of house.
We got settled in and slept with the window OPEN listening to the delicious sounds of sleeping with the window open in January.
The next day we met up with Rachel and then had to go deliever furniture to the LA Mart which was the entire reason for the roadtrip. After a horrendous hot and stressful drive over we realized that there was only one guy unpacking this furniture. I thought there were going to be like 4 dudes and they would take care of it but no. I wanted to kill myself on the spot. We eventually got it all up into the showroom but jesus christ, would it kill the dock dudes to fucking help? Looked like fat hawaian grass skirted assholes.
Anyway, we spent a couple lovely days in Hollywood with Rachel who is the MOST DELIGHTFUL host ever and then left on Sunday for the lights of Las Vegas.
We were less than 12 hours but did we buy like 200 bucks worth of goofy vegas shit? Of course.
On the way towards home we stopped at every indian shop along the highway and this place called stewarts . It looked like a place I would either be murdered or kept as a pet by the insane people who ran it. Renner paid 5 bucks for some ostrich food and we fed them out of red party cups. It was terrifying. What a bizarre creature. That thing is a damn dinosaur don’t let anyone convince you it’s any type of bird. DINO-SAUR.
Passing back through ABQ we stumbled upon Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke filming some retarded ass new movie called Passion Play.
We made it to Amarillo for lunch and met up with Rock again and went to the Big Texan. It was insane. If you like big gross meat chunks then this is the place.
We made it home and I didn’t leave Renner in the desert so it must have been a good time.
PS Pickles in bags are actually good.
candrasquire.com 