i might be secretly judging you
it’s nothing personal though.
I’m hoping that after I list the things I know I secretly judge people on that I will stop doing it. It’s not a problem, I don’t take it too far but it’s dumb and not meant out of meanness if I may use that term.
I may judge you if:
- You just had a baby and leave it with a babysitter to go out. I do this because It wasn’t until my last baby was 6 months old that I ever left my kids. I sat in a house with my kids for almost 5 years. At that point I honestly felt like Rosie O’Donnel was my friend. It got bad.
- You have money. I’m just mad I ain’t got SHE-AT. And by SHE-AT I mean shit.
- You have a college degree. That’s on account of me being in school for 1000 years and still not having a clue as to what the hell im in school for.
- You’re skinny. Im not. That’s simple.
- You have perfect hair, make-up, and nails. I don’t know how to have any of these things. I have a twisty knot of hair everyday, no idea on the make-up and I bite my fake nails.
- You have a book deal. Have you seen some of the damn books out there? Come on man.
- You’re married to a hot funny dude. I have to wonder what he sees in you.
- You have no kids and can travel the world fancy free.
- You own a house. I don’t own a house. I came to the game too late. I shoulda got one while they were giving em out with the purchase of a toaster.
- You have any actual talent because I possess none.
So I’d just like to say if I’ve ever secretly judged you, I’m sorry. It’s all out of jealousy and that’s BS.
get the hell outta here
Listen I realize I have a shit load of kids but god damn can’t they get outta my room at night? Every five seconds it’s either a knock or a barge in and it always begins with Mommy, FILL IN NAME HERE, CHOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING HERE hit me, won’t let me in the bathroom, pooped and it stinks in the bathroom, threw away my jonas brothers poster, let the cat pee on my bed, lost my library book, hid my toothbrush, got gum in my hair, has cake under her bed, wore my underwear and got poop in them. The list could actually go on. Sometimes they pull out a raggedy ass paper from school and say it’s really important and all it says is, we’re looking for volunteers for school carnival (fuck off school carnival with your no parking) or hey buy our market day products. Why the hell do you have to order market day food when we have grocery stores? I don’t need to pay 18 bucks for some damn noodles. So they had to go rummage through their shit to find this paper so they could then come knock on my door and drive me crazy well not tonight friends, not tonight. I locked the damn door and said get the hell outta here.
Then Bill tried to get in and I told him the same thing. He started to whine outside the door about how he needed shorts or else he was going to rub his bare ass all over my couch. So I made him sing a song for entry and it went a little something like this:
If you don’t let me in Im gonna take off my underwear and bare ass your couch. Im gonna rub it in good. I don’t know why you like shitty couches but that’s what you’re getting. Now open the door cause you’re pissing me off and if you don’t Im punching you in the face you asshole.
Social Security Office
Have any of you ever had to go down to the social security office to get a new card? Well I had to go down yesterday and it was just all kinds of horseshit. First you have to get a number, that’s fine I can do that. Then you must try to navigate the thousands of people waiting who look like they have actually moved in to find a seat. It honest to god looked like a convention of Wal Mart cashiers except these people don’t want to work. We sat down and there was a lady behind me in full on GRUMPY (of the 7 drawfs fame) t shirt, hair scrunchy, and walker with tennis balls. She sat what felt like 2 inches behind me and every couple minutes would sigh very loud and say oh jesus. Or god help me it hurts. Oh jesus this is killing me. Where is my child? Oh god. Oh jesus. You get the point. Two younger dudes walked in with an envelope and one looker on tried to help him out by saying, “drop box is o’ver there dumbass”. Then a girl probably 20 years old walks in and low and behold it’s old jesus christ ladies kid. They call the girls name and the jesus christ lady says, go on up there, you don’t need me with you baby. So the girl sits down and proceeds to tell the man behind the counter she is applying for benefits because she quit her job. The mom recognizing she needed to come in and help explain the situation rushes up in her walker and sits down. She tells the man her daughter was hurt on the job and can never work again. This is the same girl that walked in all alone, no problem, no nothing. The man asked how long ago the accident occurred and the jesus lady said, a week ago. So in one week the girl was injured so bad she could never work again which in turn made her quit her job and landed her in the social security office in akron ohio pleading her case.
APPROVED.
Next it was my turn and I go up with my application all filled out and ready to go. They make you put down your mom and dads name on there for whatever reason. The dude asks if I happen to have my birth certificate, which I did cause this bitch ain’t coming back 2 days in a row. He says to me, the fathers name in the system and what you have on your application don’t match. He looks at the birth certificate and there is no father listed. He said well it’s not that big of a deal and continues to process my app. Then he printed out a page for me to sign for my card and right there he gives the name of the father. There is NO name listed on my birth certificate and even though I know the truth what if I didn’t? Isn’t that a serious breach of security? I mean how do you just give out information like that? I was kind of shocked. Then suddenly a cell phone rang out and the guy behind the desk looked satisfied. Like he waits for this all day. He takes all this bullshit from people all day with their shitty excuses as to why they can’t get a job and need free money and the second a cell phone rings, it’s instant vindication against the world. The man says, RICK! RICK! and a security guard appeared before him and he says 2 magical words that make him feel on top of the world.
CELL PHONE.
The guard goes and kicks the people out into the hallway. The man with the mustashe and the bullshit job says to me, your card will arrive in 7-10 days.
Next.
Salty not Sweet Indie Craft Show
http://saltynotsweet.blogspot.com/
I am putting together an Indie Craft Show for September 5 at the Quirk Cultural Center and I’m looking for vendors right now. Tables are only $50 bucks which is super duper cheap! Not your grandmas crafts but sweet things people actually want to buy. My cards will be in the show, along with frames and magnets by renner. renbag.etsy.com and prints by Jen Dynes. Let me know if you want to apply! We can do food and alcohol there too so if you know someone who does homemade wine or beer they should come for sure!! If anyone wants to help out that would be awesome too. I’m hoping the Cleveland Indie Crafters will come together and make a successful show!
Nerds united and it feels so good.
location: quirk cultural center, cuyahoga falls
date: september 5, noon-8 pm
booth fee: $50
how to sign up: email candrasquire1@gmail.com
vendors already locked in:
renbag
candra squire
jen dynes (prints)
Mother’s Day Big Whoop
So yesterday was the craft show and even though we had a table in a weird ass small room with a wacky magician/dj it was a pretty good show. I honestly wish I would have installed a hidden camera to catch some of the reactions to my cards. I don’t know why old people came out to a craft show with weird indie crafts but they did and for the most part got real nervous when they read my seemingly normal on the outside mostly horrible on the inside greeting cards. I had two favorite bad reactions one was an old man in an american flag tshirt no nonsense type of guy and he picks up a cards that says LOVE on the outside and on the inside it says IS STILL GOING DOWN ON ME NO MATTER HOW BIG MY BUSH GETS. He read it a couple times before it clicked if it ever did click and he made no reaction. He put it down and didn’t touch another thing as to slowly back out of the situation as though he had never seen a thing. The other reaction was this little old lady who scanned the table and then had high hopes in her eyes when she reached for a white card with pink writing that said “PRECIOUS LITTLE ANGEL” and to her horror on the inside it said “UNTIL SHE GROWS UP AND CALLS YOU A NO GOOD ALCOHOLIC”. Her eyes got real big and she shook her head put the card down and walked away quickly.
Read the signs people.
One of the funniest reactions was when two guys found the table and they were reading and laughing and then one of them asked who wrote the cards and I said that I did and he said to me, “well I’m a therapist”. He then picked up the worst card I ever made which is dark and makes me laugh. It’s a picture of a little beaver holding a balloon and its says happily, sweetly, and unaware of the horror that awaits inside. The inside says “Well at least we were until you let my boyfriend finger you on my couch”. The guys started to laugh so hard they began to cry. It was awesome so thank you to everyone that came by and laughed at my horrible cards sadly inspired by my life.
Thank you to Tammy and Joe, Kellie, and Misty for taking time to come out and support local art.
Hey New Readers!
Hopefully what the Oddmall show will bring me is new readers. But what the oddmall show will probably bring me is time in jail because I have to bring 2 of my kids with me and already by 7:15 this morning i was ready to haul J’s little ass right down to CPS and drop her off. So if you see me on the news tonight for beating a kids ass in the parking lot of an old run down Holiday Inn in Hudson, Ohio you’ll know it’s because she started off my morning by acting a fool, screaming about the computer and blatantly ignoring me. Matter of fact I might go whoop her ass now just thinking about this morning.
Oddmall Show Saturday May 9th
Ok I’m reminding everyone again that the craft show is Sat. It’s free to get it which is SWEET.
Renner will be doing it with me and since she has no website I will just tell you her stuff is really cool, way better than anything I could make. Also, no one needs to buy anything just take one of my really cute cards and read my blog. It’s all I ask.
Place: Here is some info:Clarion Hotel and Conference Center
240 East Hines Hills Road
Hudson, Ohio 44236
Time: 10am-7pm
Anything else you wanna know go to the site
Pretty Sure I Have NO Goals
I read an article recently about, well actually I forget what it was about but I remember something it said. It said in order to get what you want you have to know what you want and you have to visualize it and then you will get it. Well maybe it said you might get it but anyway the point is I have no goals. I have no idea what the hell to visualize which means I will get nothing and that is TRUE because I have nothing. I need to figure out what my goals are and then make it happen but the problem there is how exactly do you figure out just what the hell it is you want? I can tell you what I don’t want.
1. Don’t want to live in Ohio. I hate cold shitty winter with no great nature as a payoff when the weather does finally get nice.
2. Don’t want to ever have to “punch a time clock”. I can’t handle having to be somewhere at a certain time and for a certain amount of time. I do what I want.
3. Don’t want to be a poor bastard. I need coin.
Ok so I have less don’ts than I expected. Let’s try to figure out the wants.
1. Decide on a major so I can finish my Bach in the next 2 years.
2. Move somewhere sweet. Portland? Austin?
3. Write something. Book? Article? More Greeting Cards?
4. Buy a house in said sweet yet undecided city.
Ok so that doesn’t seem out of the question but figuring out what direction to go is really pissing me off. I’m all about like making a plan but school is one place where I cannot plan to save my life so here’s what im thinking. Maybe I just commit to the General Studies degree, take what interests me and then just see where I land. I can’t sit through one more class where I want to kill myself and I never pay attention and generally just don’t even go to class. I guess that sounds like a plan.
A Single Bed Means Don’t Sleep in it with Your Husband
I got in from Portland Monday night and by 4:30 I was up again in my Mr. Potato Head pants crashed in the backseat of of a Ford Taurus headed for nyc. Bill had his Live at Gotham set on Wed so we went out a day early to hang out. We stayed in a real cute neighborhood in Chelsea at a place called The Jane. www.thejanenyc.com It’s a super sweet old building and it housed the Titanic survivors until the investigation of the crash was over. Listen, I’ve been in the rooms at the Jane and I’m willing to bet that those survivors were super pissed that they escaped a horrific death and ended up in a hotel whose rooms were designed to look like ship cabins. 50 sq ft rooms that you can’t turn around it without wiping your ass all over the mirror wall. It’s super cute but don’t try to sleep in there with another human. Also if you stay there, there are a couple things you need to know. There are SRO for rent there which means strange stinky poor people live in this hotel and tend to leave their doors cracked so you can see them sleeping like corner bums. The bathrooms are communal and most of the time ok, but one in the middle of the night smelled like a nyc bum and a 100 degree days who fuckin died 3 weeks ago. Also, people who live there like to protest the hotel outside for some reason.
Oh, one more thing, the elevator is original to the building and must be operated by a dude in a cap and Michael Jackson coat not your husband. We got in there and he started hand cranking it and then we couldn’t open the door to get out and then he hit the fire alarm switch and a lady outside the door started to scream. That was within the first 5 minutes of being there.
The rest of the trip was pretty fun, we ate and while eating we planned what we would eat next. There is too much beautiful food in that town.
Here are some tasty links…
www.veselka.com Get your pierogis here.
www.serendipity3.com Get your frozen hot chocolate here.
So Bill Squire did his Live at Gotham yesterday. He did great even though he is insane and thinks it was just ok. Hopefully you guys will see him on Comedy Central soon. Also we hung out with Zachariah and went to some fun stores. He will be home for the month of June so I’ll have to try to get some more ZD time.
Up next, I believe CHICAGO. Joie tell that baby I’m coming to hold her little ass.
This ain’t luxury travel, this is canned ham.
I had a real bad flight experience today. I knew the day wasn’t going to go off well when Jen and I went to bed at 1am and we had to be up at 3am to catch a plane home. We left the hotel and went to get our car at the parking garage only to realize neither of us had any cash to pay for parking. We were able to get together some change and put it in the night envelope but we couldn’t find the slot on the night drop box, so we left it on top and hauled ass.
Fast Forward through the normal airport riggamarole and this finds us sitting on a plane at 6am leaving Portland, bound for Atlanta. It’s a nightmarish 5 hour flight. The flight is completely booked with 3 seats on each side of the aisle. I had an aisle seat, Jen had the middle and some old dude had the window. As soon as we took off that dudes elbow was all up in Jen’s side and he was asleep. He was also tangled up in her seat belt so she couldn’t get it on. We had a flight attendant on the flight who was about 60 years old and had one of those giant disproportionate asses that you can’t even figure out how they buy pants. She kept walking by and knocking me out with that ass of hers and then during boarding a young cute dude missed his seat and needed to go back and she started hugging on him and rubbing him all over. Uncomfortable for everyone watching rubbing. I mean she was all over the poor dude. Finally everyone gets settled and its impossible for me to sleep cause my neck hurts and I keep getting assed. Then the bathroom line started, it was like we were all in Mexico and everyone drank the water and had an urgent need to shit. People were piling out of the bathroom like clowns out of their stupid little cars. Then the fucking turbulence started to happen and I honestly didn’t know if we were going to make it or not. Every time the plane would dip down Jen would throw her hands in the hair and let out an OH MY GOD. She got real nervous and started to sweat and I got real nervous cause the old stomach started to hurt and I had no yak bag so I was trying to figure out who’s ass I was going to have to knock down to get into the bathroom.
There was a couple sitting across the aisle from us with a small dude in the window seat. She had the aisle seat and she would lay down on her husbands lap exposing to god and everyone some horrendous back stretch marks. Normally I wouldn’t mention something like this but it went beyond physical. Every second that couple wasn’t sleeping, they were obnoxiously kissing. EVERY SECOND. Loud really annoying kissing. Then I heard her speak and I think either she was the devil or a tranny.
There was a lady in front of me who was giant, chinese, and mostly balding who walked by me and for some reason paused right by my nose so I got a great whiff of her stinking ass, awesome.
After getting assed by the shelf ass flight attendant a few more times a different flight attendant came down the aisle collecting garbage and I am not shitting you right now, somehow she threw an entire cup of hot coffee down my back. That was the last straw, I started to laugh and cry at the same time. It was hot and now I stank like old ass coffee. Another attendant came with wet naps and was helping me and I made a comment about the other flight attendants ass that had been all up and down my body all day to which she replied, dude you could serve tea off that ass. I almost fell into the aisle. A few mins later that same attendant came back by and shoved her whole ass in my face jokingly. It was a flight of ridiculocity. When we finally landed im pretty sure it was actually in a suburb somewhere and the pilot took the fucking freeway into the airport because that shit took about a half hour to park. Then we had to wait to get out while listening to mr and mrs kiss of death forever. When I looked over to give them a look of death I noticed that their seat mate by the window was reading the holy bible.
I’m lucky I made it out alive. So is the fucking kissing couple cause I really wanted to punch that girl straight in the starts with a C ends with an UNT.
candrasquire.com 