I stumbled onto an idea that I would like to develop this morning thanks to an innocent question asked of me by kelly simon sovacool. (Lemme give a shout out to facebook for bringing us together)
Anyway, she asked how I met my husband and then I thought I would like to read a book of everyday love stories because I don’t know, Im a girl?
So let’s work on this project together. Send me your love stories and I will compile them.
candrasquire@gmail.com

Here I am excited to read your stories. Don’t disappoint me!

For Joie. ( i bet you’re glad to have your name associated with man ass)

I guess I have to address this topic because a friend of mine told me a little story today involving a blow job and a skid mark. This happened to someone I know and I also read about it happening in the book I hope they serve beer in hell by tucker max. There are many questions surrounding this.
Why would you ask for a bj or let it happen knowing full well that your asshole is not clean and therefore your balls probably stink. No one wants to smell your poop balls.
Then if this event is occurring why are your ass checks spread open enough to then leave a skid mark? Did you pull your cheeks apart then settle in for your bj?
My next question is why is man ass so gross? Can they not reach around well enough to wipe or are they choosing not to? My husband sometimes has what he calls a sticky poop and he feels he needs to get in the shower to wash his ass. Now I appreciate the gesture but I can’t believe that someone can’t just get in there, wipe and get that job done.
Hey Dudes, there are rules to cleaning yourself. I would never just go about my daily business and then come home and expect you are going to want to go downtown on me. I prepare myself, shower, shave and make damn sure there is no poop in my crack so please all im asking is to return the favor.

My kids drive me bat shit crazy. Skylar is the loudest screaming ass kid I ever heard, Fallyn is mostly delightful but when she gets mad she is relentless in her quest for justice and jezalyn is the biggest instigator I have ever met. J is lonely so when she wants to hang out with her sisters instead of being a normal human she will figure out what it is she can do to really get under their skin. Maybe it’s open their door and running away, maybe it’s shutting the bathroom light off on whoever happens to be in there whatever it is she is a master. This causes Skylar to scream at the top of her bloody lungs or for Fallyn to whoop her ass which then in turns makes j scream and come and tell me. They constantly fight. Every single time we get in the car someone gets mad about who is in the front seat and whoever is in the back generally kicks the back of one of the front seats. All this madness makes a parent come up saying some crazy shit. When they were smaller I would tell them I was going to take them to the MEAN MOTHER’s and drop them off. I got this one from my dad telling me when his brothers and sisters were driving my gramma crazy (there were 9 freaking kids in that family by the way) that she would put them all in the car and scare the shit of them by telling them they were going to the mean mothers house. One time I was driving with my kids somewhere and I don’t remember what was happening but i know skylar was out of control screaming and crying and I pulled over on the side of the road, opened the door and told her she had to get out. It scared her ass quiet. I mean there is only so much bull shit a person can handle. Im not a big fan of hitting them because it just makes me feel bad but they have gotten the occasional ass whoopin. My mom used to chase us with the wooden stick. How do kids know when you’re on the phone with someone you can’t yell at them in front of? This is when they chose to act the biggest fools. Then you get off the phone and have to tell them to get in the car, to mean mothers we go. Another time Skylar was about 5, she was in kindergarten and she was so mad about something and she told me she was moving out so I took that child put her out the backdoor and locked it. She stood there and cried for a few minutes until she realized shit, I either have to apologize or I have to find a job.
She apologized.
Today at Sears I realized that I am not alone in this. I saw a mom carrying a crying toddler and heard her say to him “i don’t play games like your father!”
Then I saw a dad and 2 little boys walking and they wanted to play with some basketball game and they were asking a million questions and he said “i don’t know and I don’t really care!”
Then I saw another guy with some kids and he said “god damn can’t you all stand still for one minute?”
It made me feel better. If you ever feel bad about yelling at your kids go to sears and watch all the other parents who want to kill their children as much as you do.

By the way, whoever is searching for Melissa Medsker – I got my eye on you.

I asked people to send in questions and my friend Natalie wanted to know about my real story of labor and delivery. In her words,
‘seriously is there not a woman out there that thought “Doctor if I push any harder your going to end up with shit on your face!”‘

I was 20 when I had my first baby and for some reason I wasn’t too scared to give birth even though I am terrified as hell at the thought of getting a damn splinter. My biggest fear was everyones biggest fear. Shitting during delivery. Now, Im a lady and I don’t poop but if I did, I would have tried to poop all the time just in case I went into labor. That way on the table I would be all out of poop. I had contractions through most of my pregnancy so when I actually went into labor the contractions didn’t feel too much different. Even so I got the epidural early so I wouldn’t feel any major pain. Turns out I had 6 more hours in labor so I was on the bitch for 6 hours. All the while they are pumping fluids in you and no one put a catheter in me until right before I delivered. So I started pushing and they asked do you want the mirror? Apparently there is some kind of mirror they can bring down so you can watch the baby come out. I politely declined. Why do I need to watch my asshole rip out? I can feel it just fine. I don’t understand why when they tell you to push you can’t breathe for what they say is 10 seconds but really its more like 3 minutes. I had an old school doctor the first time around who gave me a routine Episiotomy. For you who don’t know it’s when the cut your taint open. Then I couldn’t quite get her head out so the whipped out the suction cup and gave my child bruises and a cone head. After she was out and whisked away to nursery town the nurse came in and told me to get in the shower. I walked to the bathroom and felt like I had to pee so I sat down to try and nothing. I started to get real nervous. So I eventually found myself in my room with vaginal lips that look like, well you know how when old ladies wave good bye they have the weird flappy loose skin? well that’s what my vagina looked like and it felt like someone stretched it out and ran over it with a horse and buggy. I had ice packs in my giant mesh panties for a week. By the way the Episiotomy just wouldn’t heal either so at my 6 week check up the doctor took a cauterizing stick to my fresh taint wound and it felt like she was raping my with a firey thorn bush. I think it was worse than the delivery.
Oh wait there’s more, lets talk now about breastfeeding. I never thought about bottle feeding my new baby, breastfeeding just seemed like what I should do. Uh, why doesn’t anyone tell you that everytime that baby latches on it’s going to feel like someone set your damn nipples on fire and then ran them bitches through a cheese grater?

Oh by the way, one of my girls is a labor and delivery nurse and guess what, all you moms probably did in fact poop on the table. The nurse cleans it up and you never know about it so let’s do everyone a favor and keep the husbands up by your head. You don’t want the video camera catching that on tape dude.

To get up to the KSU main hall you must first walk a giant parking lot and then hike up a mountainous hill to get to the front door. Once you get in there you then have to climb many stairs to get where you’re going. Both of my classes in this building are on the 3rd floor. After hiking all that way sometimes I just can’t face those stairs and I turn to the elevator. I stand in a group with the other fat kids that are not taking the stairs. When the elevator finally gets there we all pile in and then look at each other, just ashamed to be on this damn ride. Then the excuses start.
I have asthma.
I twisted my knee.
I have the trots.
Then my turn comes along and everytime I just lay it all out on the line.
Oh, Im just lazy, no one needs to hear my wheezing for half the class trying to catch my breath.

I think the reason I haven’t been posting many blogs lately is first because I was in las vegas for about 6 weeks and then bill has been on the road with the laptop and I do not want to sit downstairs at the desk and write. I keep forgetting funny things I want to write all on account of being a lazy piece of shit.
I still need someone to make me a website. Come on friends. Many people read this and no one knows anyone??
Im watching the oscars and boy do they suck but you can’t not watch. I am twittering comments back and forth with my twitter community. It’s pretty funny.
my squire finally came home today only for a couple days and then he is back on the road. bbbooooo.
Anyway, I forget all my good stories but fal made me laugh yesterday. I heard her and J arguing and fal shut the fight down by saying, “shut up ugly”. You can’t top that.
Oh holy hell. I took the girls roller skating yesterday for the first time and it was hilarious. The place looked just like it would have looked when I was a kid. We went to collect our nasty ugly brown rental skates and had to turn our shoes into a boy who looked like a parody of an emo dude. long black asymetrical hair, black eyeliner, red eye shadow, girl shirt and a lip piercing. It was painful how retarded he looked. Then my god could the music be any louder? So the kids put skates on and immediately the falling starts. If you know me you know that I cannot take someone falling. It’s too hilarious. So I felt bad and went and got a pair of skates for myself to help them. Holy shit, I forgot how to skate. Those bitches are heavy!
So Skylar and I went around once screaming the whole time. Toward the end she just layed in the middle of the floor swearing that her leg vein was busted. Then I grabbed j and the three of us went around and I had to drag 2 kids behind me. Both of them kept crying. When it was time to go I couldn’t find J so I went to the edge of the rink to see if she was out there when it happened. Just standing there on my skates looking for my kid my ankle gave out and I started to go down but I tried to catch myself which just made the fall last longer. I looked like I was playing twister. I went down hard and didn’t think I was going to be able to get back up.
Im too old to ask for skates from a girl boy and then try to skate around in a circle while screaming, TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!

Everytime I return from the west a little less of me actually comes back to the frozen dying place I call home. I love my friends; why can’t they all pack up and move with me? If I don’t get into this nursing program for the fall Im going to lose my mind. I need to get the shit out of Ohio.
I really want to put the girls in the car and drive to Utah this summer for some camping and adventure. I am thinking July. It’s going to be 100 degrees but I don’t care, those kids are strapping on some boots and backpacks and hitting the trail. Who’s coming with us?
So I went to the doctor today to get more sweet sweet adderall because Im a 10 year old boy apparently, and he said something that really chapped my ass.
“Oh, I see you’ve turned 30, you need a physical to get your cholesterol checked.”
It’s all downhill from here.

They need to change the name of this show from the las vegas market to las vegas calf length boots affair. I have never seen so damn many in all my days, who the hell even knew they made so many? Jena asked me yesterday who made my calf length boots I happened to be wearing (yeah me too). LIke I know which kid in vietnam made that shit. Her misadventures landed my blog on some crazy Paul Walker fan site and those fans are now coming to read my blog. Maybe if I incorporate many other high profile celebrities such as Brook Hogan, Tila Tequila, and Nick Carter I can get some more play up on this bitch. Gain some noteriety, you know what Im talking about.
In other news, yesterday at the show I walked into a giant sign and had to catch it before it crashed to the ground.

Bill and I had a great weekend here in Las Vegas but the really weird thing is he really got into the whole Vegas scene. This man who is happy to never leave our warm bed filled with American Idol and giggles was ready for strippers, drinking, gambling, and nightclubs. I couldn’t be more unimpressed by these things. Sure, I’ll play the penny slots for fun once in a while for fun and I like a cocktail now and then but Bill was on a mission and had formulated a plan. Sit at a slot and spend slowly for free drinks. He was a hunter in the wild but instead of deer his prey was the cocktail waitress. I hope he had an ok time even though I was sleeping by 8:30 most nights. I get so tired here maybe because I am up at 5 before the sun. My body does not accept Las Vegas. Bill said I go to sleep when Vegas comes alive and I wake up when it shuts down. It’s true. My love of Las Vegas is held beyond these city walls where I can get in the mountains and touch the past.
I always truly believed I was just like everyone else. Slowly I am coming around to realize I may be in the minority. I look around at the other ladies here in their business attire or trendy dresses with boots and then I look at me with jeans and converse. I do not fit in. Maybe its social retardation I don’t know. What I do know is when these people are out in a club dressed up and drinking and vegasing it up I would rather be looking at a map or writing something delightful here. Im a spectator looking in on this life i think sometimes.
In unrelated news let me tell you some tales of the past few days…
Bill and I went to a great place on top of the Palms called Nove. It’s a really nice italian restaurant that we went to to celebrate Bill’s upcoming 27th birthday and Valentines Day. We were seated and I was looking around not paying attention to Bill until I heard him say Well I can’t open this! I looked to see what he was talking about and realized he was trying to open his placemat thinking it was a menu.
After dinner we were in the elevator with 4 older people and Bill looked at the oldest lady and said, Where are you going to work? Her son said she hasn’t worked in 25 years. Bill looked at her and said, you mean you don’t work at the Playboy Club? They loved it and when we were getting out the little lady said to him, you’re a nice comedian. That’s all he needed.

Now let me tell you about my friend Jena. She works with us here at the tradeshow and she is great. Really funny, smart girl who seems very together and composed. That is until she sees a celebrity or a dude that is on General Hospital. She loses all her damn cool. She was at the Womens Fair here in Las Vegas, which I am convinced it like the lady tampon lifetime movie fair and she stood in line to meet a the old Shawn Brady from Days of Our Lives who she tells me is now on General Hospital. After meeting and getting his picture she continued on with lady tampon lifetime movie day and saw him walking around. Her plan was to go up and invite him out but instead something came over her and she slapped his ass and ran away. Now what in the hell would make a sane girl loose her damn mind and first think this dude is meeting her at a club and second just slap a strangers ass.
My favorite Jena is an insane celeb stalker story is jena and paul walker do wasted space. She was at wasted space, cary hart’s new club and was just standing around waiting to leave when all the sudden she saw paul walker of fast and the furious 1, 2, AND 3 fame. Instead of just watching the beautiful man and savoring every moment she once again lost all her cool and ran up to this man, grabbed both of his arms and screamed in his face YOU’RE PAUL WALKER! Now, did paul forget who he was? Was he walking around going god damn, who am i? I wish someone could tell me who I am. She giggled around him like a school girl and created a big scene of taking pictures with Paul Walker. I believe it is her current default of both facebook and myspace. I love that girl.
Well more Vegas Adventures to come.
Oh check my twitters because I put up many pics.
www.twitter.com/relentlessgirl

Im going to do a photo stream update chain on my twitter while im gone.
twitter.com/relentlessgirl
http://twitpic.com/photos/relentlessgirl
It’s just fun.