I don’t know what this is for but why don’t we go ahead and see if we can get some votes on this bitch.

Listen when you go to Olive Garden with me there are rules. If you don’t know the rules of olive garden I don’t know what you’re doing even going there. First, if you’re going to get the smoked mozz appetizer (because that’s the only one worth getting) order it with the drinks, do not get the drinks then order when she comes back with them. It just takes too much time. When the salad comes you give everyone their salad and empty the bowl. Don’t leave salad in the bowl because then you are just holding up the 2nd salad coming out. Same thing with the bread. Empty it out and then place the empty bread holder into the empty salad bowl as a very clear visual cue that we need more of each.
I don’t like to be held up in my eating.
The second salad you can be more lax with UNLESS your whole family is there. In that case you’ve had to stretch the first 2 salads to make sure everyone got some so I need a 3rd bowl. Listen it’s all you can eat so eat that shit.

Melissa Medsker, 45, 8125 North U.S. 1, Vero Beach, was charged with possession of a controlled substance, darvocet, possession of a controlled substance, oxycodone, possession of a controlled substance, cocaine, tampering with evidence, and misdemeanor charges of possession of cannabis and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Not only did she do this but when this went to print she went around to her neighbors houses and stole the newspapers out of their boxes so they wouldn’t find out.

My dear mother.

does anyone have it all? If so who the hell are these people? To me it seems life is a trade off. If you have a great love then you don’t have any money. If you have money you can’t find anyone good to love. If you have a great body then you’re stupid. The list goes on and on. I hate these people who have glittery blinking graphics that say I love my life! or Loving Life as a Mommy and a Wife. Gimme a god damn break please. Anyone who has to convince the world of their over the moon happiness by way of glitter graphics has something going on they are trying to cover up.
If i had a glitter graphic it would be honest and say
I love my husband but I don’t have money to buy toilet paper.

Bill, Skylar, and Fallyn went to Michigan this weekend. He had to work and took them with him to hang out. It was J and I plus the dogs at home Friday, Saturday and half of today and for the love of god why is having 3 dogs in my house like have 72 kids running around my house? Nick is a golden retriever who tries to eat the other dogs food as quick as he can, knowing damn well he can’t have it because he will puke all day long if he eats it. Charlie is a shitzu/jack russell mix who thinks he is a big man and Gus is a baby (80lb) black lab who will knock you on your ass with one swipe of his unruly paw.
They run around as fast as they can knocking people and anything else in there way down. Why is it that everytime I walk up the stairs I have to get a dog nose stuck right up my ass? When they all finally do lay down if I make one false move they all get up. If I go to the kitchen, we all go to the kitchen. If I try to go to the bathroom we all have to go to the bathroom. On the off chance that I actually make it before they can all push their way in then they lay outside the door and put their noses to the crack under the door and sigh like I have just really pissed them off.
My yard is one big mud hole. Friday I tried to wash their paws as they came in, in a bowl of soapy water and they acted like I was trying to chop their damn feet off. You know gus knocked over the whole mud bowl with his big dumb body.
All day long I hear Gus’ big fat head opening the garbage can so I have to yell for him to come in and lay down, then I have Charlie trying to sneak to the basement to eat cat poop out of the liter box. If it is dog meal time I have to stand there and watch and EVEN when I am nick still eats like a maniac before I can beat his ass and get him out of the other dogs food. They are like 2 year olds. If one dog has a toy then Gus wants that toy. Nevermind the toy he already had but dropped because the other dog had something that looked for more interesting.
How about when my tall ass dogs stand up on their back feet and casually walk up and take a few chips off my kids plate and walk away? Or how about when I look over and Charlie is sitting with his back feet in the air and using his front 2 paws to scoot his dirty ass across my carpet? If Gus didn’t look like a crazy bear baby his ass would be out on the street with his damn hobo stick and a sad story. He is a lucky man.

In the past 2 weeks I have gotten married, went up a number in my tens column, and been to Nevada and back. Weird.
So on our last day in Vegas we saw 5 baby tigers- 4 white and 1 yellow and a baby dolphin. It was awesome.
Did I tell you guys that while we were at Red Rock our rental car was keyed? I took this as a personal attack because i was driving. I didn’t park close to anyone, I didn’t flip anyone off on the road, and I didn’t open my door and dent the door next to me so I don’t know what the hell. What I do know is that we attempted a cover up involving paint and white shoe polish. Hopefully we pulled it off.

Later on Sunday we went to old vegas where I won 20 bucks in nickels. I had to take all my nickels up to the change lady like some poor college boy trying to buy beer.

At the airport we were randomly selected for additional screening where they take what looks to me like stridex pads and wipe it all over your shit and then magically that determines whether or not you will blow up the plane. Airport security people are real douchebags. They really believe they have some kind of sweet power. Dude you’re still dressed up like a butch lesbian on halloween dressed up as an airline pilot working in some stinkin airport wiping the acne right off my shoes so why don’t you go ahead and take the shit ass attitude you have and relax.

On the ride from Atlanta to Akron we had the very last row in a small shitter plane and let me just say, why don’t you actually ride outside and sit on the engine because it might be quieter.
Why the hell can’t people sit their ass down when boarding a flight? What the hell are they doing? Put your goddamn bag under your seat and sit your ass down. And here’s another thing- check your fucking bags. Why do they insist on bringing a bag the size of an old washer box on the plane? Check the shit and make our lives easier.
I saw one oh so fashionable lady in her designer sweat outfit, big hoop earings, and her smart hat carrying a LV purse, wallet and dog carrier. You know that bitch got that stupid dog just so she could get that matching carrier. I bet she bought the carrier first and then took it with her to look at the dogs and put them in there first to see if they fit.
Go to the airport if you want to see someone weirder than you- that shit will always put things in perspective for you.

Oh hey Im making Thanksgiving at my house and my dad, brother and his girlfriend are coming so stay tuned for some ridiculous family dysfunction turning over the table fuck this shit im outta here story on Friday.

Everytime I fly into Las Vegas my attention doesn’t go to the lights, the shows, or the giant tourist drinks that are so big you have to wear them around your neck. Instead I set my sights on the mountains that encase the city and keep the crazy in and lets the peaceful out. Bill said – You go all the way to Vegas and don’t care about shows or parties, you just want to sit in the dirt and rocks! I can’t help it the desert sings to me. So we headed out to Red Rock Canyon and when we got there we went into the visitors center and I was so excited because they had tons of books about nevada and the desert and ghost towns. You know I got one. We headed out to the Canyon and the first stop was a huge range of sand dunes that over the years have hardend into what can only be described as sand colored soft serve mounds. We hiked up and down these big sand rocks and it was suprisingly easy because the sand made the rocks very grippy if I may make that word up. I met an english bulldog named churchill who was also jamming around the rocks and he was so stinkin cute. He would sit like a little man and pose on the rocks so his owner could take pictures of him. You seem to have super sonic hearing in this canyon because you can hear conversations from way too far than is normal. Across the canyon were 2 little boys trying to hike down and all the sudden I hear one kid say OOOOHHH shit! I slipped dude. Then the same kid says to his buddy- dude watch my kung fu move and did a kick and says that that bitch! The other kid got real nervous and told him to shut up so his mom didn’t hear him swearing. I laughed.
We got into the car and headed to the next hiking spot. We had to pee by the time we got there so we found some spot in the bushes which wouldn’t seem like a good idea later. We found a rock that had petroglyph hand prints that was awesome and an old agave roasting pit. I was in heaven. We started climbing because I saw a little cave I wanted to go in and I made it to the cave first and then as renner was coming up she yelled. Somehow she had gotten cactus spikes stuck all in her leg meat. After we got most of them out I heard some kind of animal noise and started to climb higher to follow it. I got to a huge rock and on top was a pair of birds making their noises Im not sure what they were but I suspect some kind of quail. So I was up there just looking at them and I hear renner scream from the ground. I yelled to see what was wrong and she yelled back there was a tarantula. Now this was a moment I had been waiting for so long. I love to see things in the wild that I have only seen behind glass. I starting jumping rock to rock running trying to get down and screaming the whole time, keep it there, don’t let it get away! I got to the bottom and it was awesome. Brown, hairy and gigantic. I watched the spider walk around and probably wonder why the hell these giants weren’t running away from him. I didn’t want to leave the spider I just wanted to hang out with it but on the run down I had lost my sunglasses so I went back up for them. I never found them and we continued on our journey. We stopped on an overlook to see a giant dry wash and there was a big cactus and I told renner to pretend that it was poking her so I could take a picture. As soon as I said that she really did run into the cactus and she had a wad of spikes stuck in her arm meat. This is me was just too much to take. I laughed my ass off.
In the words of bill squire- we love nature, we’re just not good at it.

Listen my body will not adjust to Pacific Time. I was up at 5:30 this morning just ready to go. We waited outside Starbucks waiting for it to open up like we were a couple of Pavlov’s dogs.
We went to see Twilight at the Palms and though I haven’t read the book I have to admit I liked the movie and I will read the stinkin books now.
By the time we got back to the hotel it was 3 so we hung out for awhile and then decided to put real shirts on (in the words of the old man gnome- that’s what you get for these prices!) and go out to dinner and then go to a lounge.
We drove over to Bellagio, which was a real hassle because we got behind the strip somehow and it was all construction and we couldn’t see. Finally we pulled into the parking garage and the attendant says to us, you know your lights aren’t on? So we sat there like 2 assholes and tried to figure out how to turn them on. Finally the attendant had to reach into our shiny little prius and turn them on for us. We then proceeded to drive around the parking like 16 times trying to figure out how the hell to get past level one. We gave up and parked in the forbidden level one and went in. We were headed to Olives only to discover they had nothing we wanted. So we walked around and decided they had nothing in the whole place we wanted to eat so we went back to the car to head to NY NY for Italian eats. It was real tasty and I got nervous I was so full. We walked back out to the car again and headed back to Treasure Island. When we finally arrived we said fuck the lounge and got a 32-ounce crystal skull mug full of rum and frozen coke and wasted $20 each on some bullshit slots.
It is currently 9:07 pm Las Vegas time. Where am I you ask?
In my bed, in my pj’s. See you at 5:30 am.

I went to sleep at 11:30 last night and took forever to fall asleep. Just when I did Mr. Squire comes jollyassin into our bedroom at 1am from a show trying to tell me his new jokes. No sir Im not talking now. I had to get up before 4am to get to Las Vegas. We had to go to Chicago first which sucks because it’s still 4 hours to Vegas and we had to spend time getting to stinkin Chicago. Anyway on our Flight to Vegas I had the window, Renner had middle and this big old stinky dude had aisle. The man smelled like a brewery and it was 7am. He smelled like alcohol mixed with straight stank and for some reason he was wearing odd ball hugging shorts. After he drank a bloody mary he passed out and snored loudly. We had to wait for him to wake up from his drunken coma so we could go to the bathroom.
We got to Vegas and made the journey to the rental car place where we were given a prius for some reason. We were so excited but we couldn’t figure out how to open the back hatch or even how to drive it. It’s a very weird space shuttle like ride. We panicked in the payless parking lot because we couldn’t get anything in the car to work or drive- turns out that bitch wadn’t even on.
We went to Target to get some breakfast foods so we don’t have to spend a million bucks a day and I was in the cereal aisle when this little old gnome of a man ,who was wearing Bluetooth oddly enough, stopped in front of me, did a crazy little dance and said that’s all you get for these prices!
So then we jammed around the strip gambled some money and ate dinner outiside at the Paris.
On the way back to our hotel renner had enough of people being in her way and slammed into a lady waiting for a tour bus that wouldn’t move and the jacked the lady forward and since I was behind her I almost peed my pants. Then Renner saw a Captain Jack guy just hanging out and she paid him a dollar in sweet coin to be able to take a picture with him.
We’re super tired and renner got us movie tickets for 11:30 in the am. Yeah she’s making me see Twillight. Oh and the Comedy Festival is going on this weekend! Yea! A lot of good guys are here so we’re going to try to catch a show tomorrow.

Welp time to lay in this sweet ass bed they got here at the Treasure Island.

Uh- has anyone else noticed the difference in customer base between wal mart and target? I can’t begin to tell you of my hate for wal mart. I have to go to wal mart because it’s the only place that I can get nicks food. Also it’s where my prescriptions are sent. I need to change that I believe. Every time I walk into that store as far as the eye can see are fat old lady asses in stretch pants so tight I can see their cellulite dimples. I try to get down to wear the dog food is and to do this i have to navigate a main aisleway. In the fucking aisle every god damn time are the slow walkers, the stop and ponderers and the aisle hoggers. You know damn well 2 carts can fit BARELY so why the hell do people stop with their stupid cart filled with trim spa and cupcakes to look at some damn lip gloss that isn’t going to help their situation anyway and park that bitch sideways across the aisle so now you have to try to turn and go around a display of knock off perfume wrapped up in gift boxes for the holidays wait for 16 old ass ladies to waddle by to get into the other aisle. Going into wal mart is like stepping into hillbilly hell. Listen I have a t shirt that I find hilarious. It’s a big pig and it says ASK ME ABOUT MY HOG. Once while trying to leave wal mart some real old toothless man sitting on a bench did in fact ask me about my hog.
Here’s another thing I hate about wal mart- the oil change department. Have you ever tried to get your oil changed here? Why the hell does it take 6 days to get some new oil put in? You go back and check 19 times and the same fucking truck they had in the garage when you pulled in in 1982 is still sitting there.
When you walk into Target you are politely greeted by a beautiful Starbucks instead of some old man that literally looks like he just walked out of his grave and slapped on a blue smock. You get your tasty treat from starbucks and continue on your shopping experience and find yourself in dollar spot land. This is a magical little area where fairies dance and you can find mini martini glasses in packs of 3 for $1.
My only complaint with Target is that the back aisle of toys where the games are is a little too small. People get way too crazy back there in December and it’s every man for himself and its scary.
I might start to need a chaperone if I have to go into wal mart, I don’t know what’s going to happen if one more bitch diagonal carts me. Im probably going to ram her with my own cart filled with cans of hearty loaf for my stinkin dog and knock her ass out. Once she’s down im going to staple one of those fucking yellow happy faces to her head.
After I beat that bitches ass, im just stealing that dog food. Take that wal mart.