This is the song I heard when I started thinking about this blog…

fall is here, hear the yell
back to school, ring the bell
brand new shoes, walking blues
climb the fence, book and pens
i can tell that we are gonna be friends
-the white stripes

The air is blowing cool and I can smell the leaves turning. I dragged all my boxes out of the basement today all dusty and webby, just the way a halloween decoration should look. I have blacklights, skulls, and many severed parts dusting the tops of all my furniture. I swear to you, going through my halloween boxes makes me do the running man.
We’re going to the 7 floors of hell sat! Dang, I need a babysitter for that. Anyone? Anyone?
I’ve been cleaning my house like a mad person. I just feel the need to DECLUTTER. We want to move to a bigger place. It’s time.
I’m looking for a new chapstick, something light but tingles cause it’s working. If anyone knows of a good one, let me know.
So I had been putting off going to get a pap for a few years now and I finally made myself go. I found a new lady doctor and she did a great job. No pinching of my business with the speculum. I was having a growing worry that I had some kind of cervical cancer. I had no reason to think this, however I was quite certain I had it. The results came back.
No cancer. No nothing. All clear.
$9,274.88. That’s how much my ex husband owes us right now. He had a job and they got him for $176, oh guess what, now he has no job. As soon as they find him, he’s gone again. He is shacking up with some lady with a daughter who Im sure is fooled by all his lies and she is paying his bills. I feel bad for her.
Im celebrating my 30th birthday next month with a trip to Las Vegas with Renner. 30. My god time. As a kid I would hear adults say, time goes by so fast and would really think they were crazy. Turns out they may have been right.
So school is going. I don’t know where, but it is. Im in this creative writing class and the weird thing to me is that he gives you formulas of like how to write a poem. How to come up with the words and I think that’s bizarre because to me, if there are words that are supposed to come out, they run contantly back and forth in my mind until I finally stop what im doing to set them free in a blog. Im uncomfortable with a formulated poem. I don’t like writing on demand. That may be the reason for my blog content reduction.
I love the show House Hunters on HGTV but I HATE HATE HATE when the people go into a house and constantly complain about how small things are. What if they had to live in an apartment and not some $450,000 house in a great area. Shut the hell up. If I had a house that had a guest house, I bet you anything I’d want to live in the guest house.
The new 90210 is killing me with all the kids in it but damn it, Im hanging on for my dylan payday.
Speaking of TV,,,DEXTER! Man I love that show. I hate rita, she just gets more annoying but damn it’s gonna be good this season.
When the hell is Big Love coming back on? I love that show too.
I can’t believe Weeds went hence so fast but it seriously is one of the best written shows. Every season leaves you open mouthed shaking your head. That’s a good show.
Tonight J was getting a banana and she held it up to her ear and started talking like she was on the phone.
OOOHHH BIG NEWS!
HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
Skylar- an angel
Fallyn- Wednesday Addams
J- Joker

Im still thinking but so far either Angela Chase (my so called life)
or an alien trying to blend in with humans and fit into society.
Talk amongst yourselves.

I am about to be 30 and all around me are nothing but pregnant ladies and babies. It’s really messing with my mind man. Im in a happy relationship with someone that would love a baby and is already such a good dad to the ladies. I just don’t know. I mean J is in kindergarten already and then I’d have another one starting K in 2014! Does this sound crazy to anyone else?
When i had my other pregnancies even though I was married I felt like I was in it alone and that those kids were just mine. I guess somehow my subconcious already knew. It would be a whole new experience with squire. I don’t know. I mean Im in school for the rest of my life so I think it’s always going to be complicated and there will always be a million reasons not to but still something is tugging away…

So I went last week down to the ATL or HOTlanta, whatever you want to call it is fine with me. I went to help my friend Aimee (you all remember her right? She’s my army friend) because she had a little stinkin baby and her husband is away until Dec so I thought she could use some help. God knows she would never ask for it because she might be one of the most stubborn people ever born. So I got there last Saturday and I was greeted by Aimee, Braedon which I haven’t seen since 2004, and Reiley who is 2 and this was my first time meeting her. She is a mini aimee. She is really articulate and outspoken for a 2 year old which im sure her mother was as well and the kid can eat like a man. Most kids are picky and they don’t want to eat when they’re supposed to but not this kid man, if you don’t refill her plate fast enough you will hear MORE NOONALS PEASE (noodles please) rattling the rooftop. She repeats everything you say which is delightful when I hear her yelling at the weiner dogs- NO SHEEBAGS (no shitbags).

We dropped the kids off with Aimee’s parents and went to the hospital where I got to meet little laila butt for the first time. She was all wrapped up in the nicu with a feeding tube in her nose and a million other cords attached to her little body. She was born at 35 weeks and 2 days. She had a hard couple weeks but finally on Tuesday we took her home.

She is so tiny and has a head full of dark hair. I love her. She’s a super calm baby and noise does not seem to bother her.
Whilst hanging out with the Lesters & Dahl we had many laughs. Tuesday night aims and I probably watched a little 90210. We went to olive garden one night and thats when aimee had a cold hard reality check. She suddenly found herself seriously jamming to the olive garden jazzy music. She is no longer the cool kid, but she is now the crazy mom.
We all went to wal mart and braeden and I got into the old ass kicking game. I kick him, he tries to kick me but I catch his foot and he stumbles but keeps trying. At one point he bent down to tie his shoe and I kicked him in the ass and knocked him down. He got in trouble because he rolled into lailas stroller. Every man for himself brae, sorry dude.
We watched Baby Mama which made us laugh. I wasn’t expecting it to though. Then she made me watch the guardian with costner and kutcher. I mean it was cheesy but good at the same time. Everyone knows I love me some costner but damn the old kutcher gets the more beautiful he gets. Demi is no damn fool.
Do you guys have any of those friends in your life that no matter how much time passes that you don’t talk or see each other it doesn’t matter because when you do see each other or talk again everything falls right back into place?
Aimee inspires me everytime I see her. She is so strong. She is taking care of a newborn and the other kids all alone, not to mention the house, and the dogs, and everything else that has to be done everyday. She is one of my dearest friends and even though she makes me cry every god damn time we have to leave each other, I love her.

I think my definition of a douchebag probably matches most peoples. Frat boy esque, popped collar, spikey hair, shell necklace or the guy that has graduated past this stage into adult dochebagness. Suits, still spikey hair and a really bad attitude that they can do no wrong and that they’re awesome. These guys are always with the skinniest blonde girls with a shit ton of make up. I think that’s because neither one of them can read to be honest. Anyway im wondering, who do these dudes think the douchebags are?
So all the school started Monday and it’s going ok. J loved Kindergarten so that makes me happy. She thinks she is all big now. I took pics that I will post when Im not all warm and cozy in my bed without the loudest cougher ever, bill squire. I GET IT. You have a cough, why do you have to make the loudest noise the human ear can process? god damn.
So one of my classes is Creative Writing which includes a large focus on poetry. god damn I hate poetry. I think poetry is fragmented and cryptic and meant as a private that the writer had to get out and onto paper so they could relax so for the love of god can we PLEASE stop fucking analyzing every god damn word!
School’s
for
fools.
im out.

School starts next week and all the girls will finally be in school. It also means I have to go back to school which is horseshit. I keep getting kicked out of all the classes I want to take because I have a general bach major and no one will let me be in their stupid classes without permission. If I do have permission they say I have to wait until a week before classes to find out if im in. So now I am taking a creative writing class and a geography. Yeah, im going to be 30 in a geography class. It’s really fucking stupid. I don’t know where Im going with all the pointless garbage.
Some kid threatened Skylar today, saying that he was going to rape her and mess up her face. The kid is 10 and skylar is 9. I don’t know what kind of sick little bastard he is, but now im going to have to go to jail for ripping his heart out and making him eat it. We are going to day care tomorrow to see what they will do about it.
I can’t get rid of these headaches. They are hitting everyday and they just keep getting worse.
Someone keeps reading my #10 The Normal Guy entry on the 13 guys not to date list. I think I know who that is.
I want to be out in the desert.
I got really scared at work today. I don’t want to be there alone anymore.
I saw Vicky Christina Barcelona yesterday and I liked it.
Bill has a new show on Saturdays in Kent and Im going to be there Saturday so if you want to come let me know.
This is how my brain operates, see why it’s weird being me?

I will never understand why people feel the need to bring a book to the can. Why do you want to be in there any longer than you need to? Does it really take you an extended amount of time to leave your business? I don’t really like to discuss my happenings but I know this, I go in and get out as soon as possible. How is sitting there with your ass cheeks spread open over a pool of stink water a comfortable spot to enjoy your book?
If you’re in there and things take more time than expected, just grab the shampoo bottle or whatever package that’s within reach and read that. Maybe its the tampon instructions I don’t know what’s close enough to your toilet to read but that’s all you need. If you all keep sitting in there with your stacks of magazines you’re going to end up with a massive roid like the one my delightful friend has and he has to go get a colonoscopy now. Do you want to end up with a camera in your ass? I didn’t think so, now wipe and get the hell out of there.

I always seem to be in a place where no matter what I hear other people’s conversations and it’s usually awesome.
Yesterday I was in target and there was a lady with her 3 kids and her mom shopping for school supplies. The lady was complaining about her kids and then mom said something like well you have a lot more years to be driven crazy like this just like you did to me. The daughter got so mad and yelled at her mom, you’re driving me crazy today and if you don’t shut your mouth im dropping you off!
Then this morning I was getting some bagels and I was over by the drinks making some tea and I hear this dude say to his lady you know, im glad she dumped him. He was always lying to her telling her that he was a motivational speaker. He said that he traveled the county giving speeches and she believed him. He didn’t go anywhere, he was just cheating on her.
Sometimes I really feel like im invisible and I get to have this little peek into peoples lives. Maybe its just to make me feel like im not so crazy.

I do not like the chinese and now with all the olympic stuff going on its getting worse. everyday something new comes out about what china did. They won’t let people in their country if they don’t like what the people have to say, the fireworks were fake and now the little girl who sang some stinkin china song wasn’t even really the kid who sang it. what is china hiding? and why the hell do they think eating tiger balls will help them be better in the sack?

Word for Word ladies and gentlemen…

MOM-
Date: Jul 29, 2008 6:58 PM
hi candra whats up ?? i dont know how to get on my my space so i guess i am on mikes how are my girls???????????? mom

ME-
hi mom,
i am working in las vegas until aug 4, but they girls are fine.
I tried to call you back the other day on whatever # you called me on and then i tried your phone but no answer. I dropped my phone in the pool so now it’s all messed up.
Are you bored?

MOM-
yes im so bored that i am trying to figure out how to work this thing, its not the same without mike to get me on now i dont really know what im doing ,,, who has the girls?hows vegas??????????????????mom

ME-
mom you do not understand email. you sent me blank messages and the same message like 600 times.
Vegas is really good, we rented a house with a pool so we don’t have to stay in a hotel on the strip. It’s so much better, you know I hate people and here i can sit in my own private pool. SWEET.

MOM-
Date: Aug 8, 2008 9:33 PM
hi candra and my beautiful grand daughters who i miss terribly, i know i really dont know what im doing on this, but my friend donna her husband willie stops over sometimes and hes showing me what to do, but i need to practice more then i just might be a (FUCKING GENIOUS) AS OUR SWEET LITTLE FRANKY USED TO SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD I MISS THAT BOY MORE EVERYDAY!!!!! but thats life i guess!!!! have you seen mikey latley? i guess hes madly in love! im so happy for him! how is bill and the girls?????????????? i miss you all so much!!! but one thing that i dont miss one bit, is your dads hatefulness toward me, since hes been gone i have truly got my serenity and happiness back! he used to make me feel worthless and useless, and he said some of the most hurtful hateful things. thats the control thing that men to make you feel like you had no sense at all!but i know that i am a good person and hes just very jealous of me !!!!!!!!!!!!!111 well imm gonna go for now! i love you and i miss you even more!!!!!!!love mom

ME-
Why don’t you know how to get on your own myspace?
Everyone is good. I just got back from vegas monday, I was there for almost 2 weeks. I want to live out there. Anywhere west I don’t care. I love it.
I haven’t seen Mike, i’ve talked to him a few times and he seems good. erica is really nice and cute.
Bill is good, he is working on a new show in kent and now we have to get ready for back to school! Kill me. I want to be somewhere that it’s always summer vacation.

MOM-
Date: Aug 10, 2008 9:25 PM
hi candra, whats up with you always wanting to move someplace odd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just move down here, at least you know that where ever i am you know you have a built in babysitter!!!!!!!!!! well bye for now, tell the girls that i miss them terribly bad. and i cant wait to see them again!!!!!!!!!!love mom

ME-
Here is where I want to live:
WARM
MOUNTAINS
OCEAN
JOBS

MOM-
and knowing you you will move somewhere off the hook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOM-
hey candra, whats up?/ your dad just called and of coarse now hes telling everyone that will listen to him that im smoking crack!! what a bunch of shit! he always thinks the worst of me! personally i told him that i was having a rum and coke and i took 2 of my nerve meds!~!thank god for them they keep me from stressing put as much! i sure do miss you so much.
love mom

Reading emails from my mom is like reading a note some kid passed me in middle school. There are always a million !!, and a whole lot of whats ups?. She doesn’t understand that email has forgotten all the formalities and just gets down to the nitty gritty. When emailing your kid to tell her that her dad has accused you of smoking crack there is no need for a whats up.

That’s the view from the starbucks by my house. Charming right?
I would like to know what the hell is going on in america. No one is doing well. Something has to give soon or else I do not know what is going to happen. Just what the hell happened to all the money? Have we spent all our money on bubble gum and soda pop or has it gone to gasoline and anything mind altering so we can block out the shit storms that all our lives have become? I am so sick of hearing about stars earning millions of dollars for some shitty film while my friend can’t afford hot water. Something is so off in this country it makes me want to hide under my covers until things go back to normal. How did it get so far out of whack? How the hell are we going to fix it? How are we supposed to just work harder when there are no jobs to work harder at? How are we supposed to create new business when there is no one buying? Is the suicide rate up? It has to be.
If we have to be miserable and live like prisoners, shouldn’t we at least do it somewhere we actually want to be? Why the hell should I be living in Ohio and barely making it? I happen to know a lovely spot in Santa Monica right on the ocean where I could be happily homeless.