have you guys ever seen Steel Magnolias? Welp today I realized im weezer. The cranky old lady trying to control her giant dog. Every morning on the way to work I make Gus stay in the backseat, otherwise he sit on the console and puts one of his arms on my shoulder and lounges. He is too heavy. Another charming thing he does is when he is mad at me in the car for either throwing his butt ass in the back or taking something away from him that he wants to chew on he sits right behind me and barks. He is a 5 month old lab with a HUGE resonating man bark. It drives me crazy, so by the time I get to work I have had it. Then as soon as I stop the car and try to get my shit together to get out of the car he has already jumped in front and is trying to crawl over me to get out. I have to scream like a whack job at the dog and then try to get out. He barrels out and starts running but he is on a leash so either it breaks my fingers or he drags me along like he is flying a kite and im just flapping in the damn wind.
When we finally get into work after Gus takes a poop in the church yard next door, he immediately goes to each garbage can trying to see what he can find. I got the garbage cans with the locking lids so he trys to knock them off. I have found him with a lid necklace before. After he checks that out he just digs around the office picking things up and trying to see if he can get away with chewing it. His newest aggrivating thing he likes to do is crawl his giant dog ass up on to the wine racks and sit up on them.
All day long you can hear me yelling at this nutty dog to get down, stop jumping, get out of the garbage, and stop drinking out of the toilet.
Damn it Gus.

i think im using up my june wisely. Friday night I got roped into hanging out with the pregnant alcohol loving neighbor. Whilst hanging out we see her son running and she called him over. There was something sticking out of his belly button and we asked what it was. He said GUM. She said why is it there? He simply said, I didn’t have a table, and ran away.
Saturday we had a little lunch and Bills family came over with all the babies, and Hattie, Dan and the ladies. We had some lunch and I got to hold that little Spencer bean and it was good till it started to rain. Later than I night I went to Bills show and Jenny D came up and we had some tasty dinner and probably a couple bottles of wine. I mean, we laughed real hard. Im giving a special thanks to the dude in the corner (NO!)
It was a sweet summer solstice. I slept all the way home.
Today Bill and I went to the Tow Path to go on a bike ride. We came upon a sweet farm that was selling fresh produce and outside they were selling roasted corn and lemonade. We sat in wooden outdoor furniture and I thought how weird is it that this society has gotten so used to fast food, gas station hot dogs, chips and pop that coming across a farm selling fresh food and roasted corn as a snack would feel like such a novelty. That corn was so damn good. So after a snack of corn, peaches, green beans and lemonade we continued. 5 miles into the trip it started to rain so we headed back. It was thunderstorming and starting to rain harder. With 2 miles left to get back Bill takes off. I figured he would stop and wait for me before we had to cross a 4 lane road and then another 2 lane road. I get up to the road and see him on the other side disappearing into the woods. I tried to cross the road and it was raining really hard and I almost got hit. I got back on the trail and he was no where to be seen. I was alone in the woods with pouring rain riding around the place that looks like where they found the body of a girl who was left alone, raped, murdered, and left for the animals. I was so fucking mad. I was scared, wet, cold, and alone. Then I fell down because the trails started to flood. After that I didn’t know where I was because I couldn’t remember where we parked. Finally I figured it out and saw Bill standing by the car grinning like an idiot. I started screaming at him in the parking lot and threw my bike at him. I don’t know how you could just leave someone out in the woods like that. He said his legs hurt so he needed to get back so he wouldn’t have to walk his bike in the rain. I would have walked with him. I would never leave a friend alone in a thunderstorm in the woods alone. Sometimes that guy is a real piece of work.
After that the kids and I went to the mexican with strauss and made things out of our straw wrappers and laughed. It was mostly a nice weekend.

something is going on lately and i can’t quite place it. I think that’s the reason for my excessive bloggings. i feel restless, i think that’s a good word for it. Im not quite sure what will make it calm down. I keep going back and forth with getting married. Im great at getting engaged, not so great with the follow through. Im not sleeping well because there is something going on in this brain of mine. im happy with my squire, im having a good time with my friends, my ladies are doing good, i love my job, im traveling i just can’t figure out what the hell is missing. my ulcer is returning but damnit why doesn’t it get bad enough for me to start losing weight? that would be sweet.
if anyone might have some insight on what could be missing, let a lady know.

dear faithful readers,

why you all even bother to read my blog is beyond me but im glad you like it. it’s easy to put my life on the internet for all to read. why? man i don’t know. am i a masochist? maybe. am i full of myself? i don’t think so. am I retarded? BINGO!
anyway today was rather uneventful but I did have some beers with a coupla fun ladies this evening which I enjoyed and on the way home, I was honestly thinking about peeing my pants. I was getting very nervous. tip of the day.. always pee before hitting the bricks. you never know when you’re going to hit traffic.

or maybe it’s as a beaver. Busy as a beaver? I think that’s it.
Anyway, Im busy. Im trying to organize everything for this show in las vegas and im a crazy person. thank god for hattie coming up in here and straightening my shit out. listen, if anyone needs to get anything organized, call that girl because she will set it straight for you. So there is still more to do. I won’t bore you, but I will take some pictures this year. I hope to show you drunk designers in las vegas loving all the free booze and food we get every night. (no im not posting pictures of myself at the bar because I would never be involved in all that)
We are going camping next weekend up in Cook’s Forest so that should be a good time. My kids have have never slept in a tent so that should really go over well. I will tell you right now they are not coming up in mine crampin my style. I will not be telling J she is an alien around this campfire. I wonder if she lays in bed at night and tries to figure out if she is an alien or not. man remember that show that used to be on a 100 years ago with jason from general hospital. I can’t remember the name but the girl on there was named Evie and she was half alien and she could stop time by touching her 2 fingers together. I wanted to be that girl. Stopping time would be sweet, I would do awesome things like pulling someones pants down and then restarting time.
Listen dudes, I got a bike and it’s sweet. Riding a bike is really scary but it’s crazy fun and we are going to take them to Rhode Island this year and jam around so jackie & dan, get some bikes. (i want to go to the white horse tavern this time!)
Bill and I decided that when we do go to RI we are camping outside in the yard. I mean we can’t be shacked up like a bunch of mexicans. Camping in the yard and giggling like a couple of little girls. It’s going to be fun. Fun – Bills farting would be even better.
So 4th of July, is the pool party at Renner’s followed by fireworks at Sunny Lake and then Sat the 5th is a party at my house. Come one, Come all but bring some damn beer.

i think that women have totally given up on hope on romance, the perfect man, or finding true love. women have realized these things are not going to happen and they have instead decided that they want to have sex like men used to. Since men have not evolved at all in the history of time they do not understand this new woman. The new woman scares them and makes the hide in their moms closet in the fetal position. Women will say, I don’t care if we’re in a relationship, i don’t care if you are in a relationship let’s just do it. CAN WE PLEASE JUST FUCKIN DO IT? They cannot process this request. This is sensory overload. This makes them run away and write love poems about the way it all used to be.
well man up “men”, the ladies don’t want to hear your crappy poems and they don’t want to hold your hand. Just pull the pants down and give them what the want and then be on your way.

Can I just put a disclaimer here? This isn’t about me. This girl right here isn’t doing a damn thing unless there is something in it for her. I hate new sex. I don’t need to be showing everybody whats going on with the healthy taco. I don’t have time to break anyone else in, it takes too long and Im still working on squire.
So for all my ladies friends out there I say this on their behalf to the men of the world:
STOP TALKING, NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ANYWAY, AND SHOW THESE WOMEN WHAT YOU CAN DO.

last night squire and i were going to sleep and we were both kind of restless. We thought about having sex but then it just seemed like too much of a to do so we talked and giggled. then we thought about going to mcdonalds to get a snack, but come on no one was getting out of bed. So we finally drifted to sleep and squire was just jollyassin around all night flip floping and getting up. When things did quiet and he was asleep, I was drifting back to sleep when I heard a noise suspiciously like a salt shaker. I look over and he was furiously masturbating. Then I looked at his face and he was asleep. I was half asleep and I just remember yelling- what are you masturbating now? The yelling woke him up and he looked down and goes, oh yeah, I guess. Then fell right back to sleep.
this has been a moment with squire.

So Squire and I went to Geneva on the Lake friday night for a little getaway. We stayed at a sweet lodge and he did all the work for this himself. I was very impressed. he is turning into quite the gentleman. (not too much, he does still shit himself everynight in bed)
They had bikes you could ride so we got some bikes and jammed down the road to a winery and sat on a porch, drank some peach wine and watched the water. Then we rode further to the little circus like town strip and stopped at this place to get some fries and lemonade. uh lets talk about this lemonade for a minute. They did they whole squeeze the juice and mix with sugar bit but then instead of water they used slush puppy ice. Old school pump your own flavor slush puppy ice. It was so good. Then they bring out the fries. We were thinking like a cup of fair fries, oh no my friends, it was a cafeteria tray piled with fries. Im not shitting you. It was gross. I mean they were good and went down smooth, but this is whats wrong with america. Where else in the world can you order a REGULAR order of fries and end up with every potato in idaho? It made me sad because most of it ended up in the garbage. If i would have seen any homeless I would have given it to them but mostly I just saw retired carni’s.
Later that night we had a lovely dinner and ended up drinking 3 bottles of wine while sitting on our balcony watching a thunderstorm over the lake. It was good.
Saturday when we got back we went to Target and bought bikes and we rode so much that all my inner bits are still sore.
Sunday I spent the day lounging with my ladies and talking about what panty brands we prefer. My favorite are always any renner buys that she doesn’t end up liking so gives me. Yeah we share pantys but she doesn’t wear them first. at least not a whole lot.
Special Thanks to Hattie and Dan for keeping the ladies.

riding in a car with just an acquintance. i have nothing to say.
service oriented chit chat. nail guy, you speak vietnamese, i do not, i will have to ask you what? about 75 times before i can understand,”are you off work today” so just stop askng me shit.
when people knock on my door and want something. and when they knock on the door and im still in lounging gear with no bra. just don’t knock on my dang door.
homeless people.
a mountain bike seat.
riding in an elevator when im laughing and there are other people there because then I think that they think im laughing at them and then I think they hate me.
when i say inappropriate things to my hot latin doctor that I think are funny and he just stares blankly.
calling people on the phone.
when someone is mad at me.
talking about my feelings. please, i’d rather jump.

i realized today that it’s june 12th already and then I thought it never seems like it’s june. We sit around all winter coveting june. if only it was june then i could do this or that. well now it’s june and we’re already 12 days in. my advice is to take june for all it is. take those warm nights and sit with who you love and laugh and when it’s sunny get in the water. forget about what you should be doing or what needs to be done because it will all still be there but before you know it, it won’t be june anymore.