2015 to 2016
December 17, 2015
This entire year I kept thinking it was 2016. I think that was a whisper from the universe saying just hold on to your ass this year and I swear 2016 will be better.
The theme of this year for me has been loss & letting go. Most of the time I felt like I was a tether ball in a violent game between two angry sweaty men who were playing to the death. I’ve tried to take each hit and dissect it and figure out the lesson and be thankful for the experience and let it go. Some have been easier to let go of than others. The others, those rooted deep, are more like trying to get melted marshmallow off your hands but it’s never quite gone and then some other shit gets stuck to it so you’re back at the sink like 18 times trying to really get it gone.
I’ve actively tried to heal myself. I’ve yoga’ed, meditated, read books, frequently consulted the wisdom of Buddha, written, and even cried. Those things help, they ease the edge but heartbreak, real true fucking heartbreak is something that never fully heals. The say time heals all wounds but I don’t think that’s true anymore. Time moves us further away from the sharp point of the break but that isn’t healing something. If we are lucky we will grow scar tissue to cover that open wound so it doesn’t get infected but if you press on it you can feel that open hole still lurking under the surface.
I’m learning to listen to the whispers more, the feelings in the bottom of our stomachs that we generally punch and punch and punch down some more because they’re telling us a truth we do not want to hear.
I’ve learned that when you let go of people, and things, and old worn out beliefs and habits you invite new opportunities into your life.
I’ve learned that there is no settled. We keep moving or we die in some kind of way. We can die a thousand deaths but if we chose to pick ourselves up and learn the lessons we can also be reborn a thousand times in this one little lifetime.
Here’s to 2016, may there be more ups than downs, more love than hate, and more growing than rotting.
Merrily Merrily…
November 21, 2015
I’ve been thinking a lot about death and dying lately. I’ve never been afraid of it because I’ve always just believed in reincarnation for some reason. We live, we learn, we hit the bricks, we do it again to learn another lesson.
The thing I have been afraid of is how death affects me or people I love. Like everyone, I never want to lose my people but my craziness goes even further. My mind will sometimes travel so far into the future that my fear is that I will be dead and my kids will be old and what if they are alone? What if they’re in a nursing home and the staff hurts them? What if they’re lonely. I have to stop myself from these thoughts because not only is it a story made up in my mind that’s not real but because what could I even do about it? Accepting that we control nothing is a hard fucking pill to swallow. We can either chose to accept that everything is temporary and settle into the unknown or we can try to fight and control everything and waste lifetimes doing it.
I’ve had to watch two people now that were MY PEOPLE, you know, like your nearest and dearest people, die. Ugh DIE. I feel like the way we use the words death and dying are too harsh. Too final. These bodies die, this is true. I’ve seen their lights fade and extinguish but those are just the soul suits we wear while we walk, the rest is still there, just somewhere else. I don’t know the answers, the who, what, when, where and why’s and I won’t pretend to. The only thing I can say with absolute certainty is that life is but a dream.
Happy Anniversary
November 9, 2015
Well Bill Squire and I have been married for 7 years today.
(Yeah, technically, since neither of us ever bothered to legally do anything about it, but still, 7 years.)
I hate when people say failed marriage. I guess I just don’t think anything is a failure if you learned something from it. We aren’t together anymore but in another sense we are. We are still trying to figure out our new family dynamic, still committed to BEING a family & raising these kids together and somehow he still feels like a safe place for me to land when the shit is really really bad. To me, there’s just no way that’s a failure.
I think most of the time when people get married they really have no idea what they’re agreeing to. When I married Bill of course I knew there were issues but the one thing I really knew is that I didn’t want to spend another day not calling him my husband and being his wife.
Over time it becomes very easy to see how people grow apart. Life gets busy and you keep thinking ok next week will be slower and we can do something but pretty soon all those long talks and walks and fun things you used to do that connected you are pushed aside and the only thing you talk about is what’s broken, what bills have to get paid and what kid peed in a bowl and shoved it under their bed.
You stop seeing each other and you feel lonely. I don’t think the love is lost I just think that people forget where to look.
Life is never going to slow down, there will always be dishes in the sink and the dog will have always left a shit somewhere for you to clean up but all those things will still be there while you go for a walk with your person and remember what the hell it’s all for. The life you built for yourselves exists just as it is because you didn’t want to spend another day not being your person’s husband or wife. I hope you slow down just a little today and remember to remember that.
Stop touching the fucking cactus
October 24, 2015
It’s funny how life will never let you ignore anything. We try to try to feel like we are in charge and in control when in no way is that true. We can fight, hope, kick, scream, and drag our feet as much as we want to, we can turn our bodies into dead weight like dogs do when they do not want a fucking bath but, in the end, we will be forced to answer the door.
The knocks get louder, the pain gets worse, the grip we feel around our throats tightens and tightens some more until we pay attention to whatever we are being shown.
No matter how many times I’m shown the truth I have an amazing ability to think, nah that’s not it. It can’t be. I may actually be the best in the world at this game.
I like things that are authentic and people who are real. I hate knocks offs. Stop pretending you’re one thing when really you’re lying. If you’re not reclaimed barn wood stop being made to appear that way. There is real barn wood out there for the taking, do the work and go dismantle the barn instead of just putting a bunch of shit together and saying hey look! I’m reclaimed barn wood!
I’m still learning to follow my feelings and trust myself. I think simple is best, if something doesn’t feel right then it’s not. You don’t have to try to beat a feeling into submission to make it match up what your brain thinks it should be because that’s like trying to make jello a dessert. It’s just never going to be.
If something doesn’t feel good then stop doing it right?
NOTE TO SELF: stop touching the fucking cactus expecting it to not prick you this time. Just because something looks fuzzy and soft doesn’t mean it is! Also apply this knowledge to animals as well. Just because that tiger looks like he wants you to cuddle him and be his best friend he really just wants to maul your body and rip out your innards to leave as a gift for the person he really loves.
Love Deeply, Forgive Honestly, and Give Kindness Freely
August 28, 2015
I woke up this morning to two hateful emails. This has been happening the last couple of years from the same person spewing infected poisonous bullshit that is totally unwarranted. Generally I cannot stay quiet. I have replied sometimes reactively and then usually followed by a more thoughtful response. The truth is the only words that can hurt you are the ones that you believe are true about yourself and don’t like. The things the person used to say to me no longer have power so I am not quite as reactive in a defensve way. I thought we were cool and this was done in May when it happened last, so todays reaction was more of a what the fucking fuck man type of thing. It still feels like a sucker punch to wake up to such nasty violence for no reason.
It’s really hard for me to see someone in such obvious pain. The projections and holding on to the past are palpable and the anger is such a transparent mask. Sometimes I wonder if I am this persons best friend. Maybe the reaching out to me is because they know I will respond and I usually try to do it with compassion. (Even though they think “my zen like way of life is obnoxious”.)
I use this person as a lesson of what it looks like when you refuse to look into yourself and change the things that you don’t like. This is what happens when you refuse to learn and change and grow. You stand like a putrefying swamp repulsing anything that is real and true.
My advice for everyone (including myself) is to pay attention to words that sting, those stings are meant to grab your attention so you can release those beliefs. Stop telling yourself those little negative lies unless it’s something that is actually true and if it is, fix it man. Work through it and make it not true and then throw that shit away.
Love deeply, forgive honestly, and give kindness freely.
Retreat to New Jersey & Myself
August 24, 2015
On Thursday I packed up my shit and drove out to New Jersey for a yoga & writing retreat in a place I had never been with people I had never met.
When I walked into the old beautiful farm house I saw crystals and feathers and knew I’d found my people.
The retreat was at Seven Arrows (click the link to see more). It’s a wonderful old farm sitting on the Navesink River which I know nothing about other than it smells salty, it’s teeming with all kinds of life and it made me incredibly happy to look at it everyday.
We did yoga twice a day, wrote with guidance, love, and lots of patience, and ate some of the best god damn food ever, mostly right from the garden.
I needed to go to find the space to be quiet and self reflect. I set the intention to not think about my relationships with men which generally tend to dominate my thoughts. What do they need, what did I do wrong, why don’t they love me, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I needed to think about myself and what I need, what I want, what I love, and spend my energy taking care of myself. That’s one of the things I took away most from this retreat. I take care of everyone else before myself (like most ladies tend to do probably) but even down to eating. I wouldn’t treat someone else the way I treat myself ever! Armed with that realization I will learn to care for myself in the way I’d care for someone I love. (thank you Maiga, thank you thank you)
The women on the retreat with me all seemed to come in with something similar to me, a need to find clarity, find peace, and mostly remember who they are on their own without the titles we all wear like costumes. I think the bravest people wear their wounds the closest to their skin and these women were warriors. Thank you ladies. Each of you.
Unzip
July 29, 2015
Are you guys feeling the changes in your bones? Maybe you feel antsy or lost? Maybe you’re excited about what’s coming?
I am definitely feeling it. I feel like the cloud of forced changes has lifted and I finally GET IT. I see how much I fought to keep things the same just because of fear. It’s funny how we let our minds lead us because we think that’s the practical or noble or right thing to do and then shush our heart so much. Instead of grabbing on to the adventure that stirs inside of those dusty hearts we sit in anxiety and figure well, this is life. We medicate so we don’t have to feel those nagging knots. We hide and pretend but for what?
The answers are already inside of you. It really is that easy. Humans always complicate everything and talk ourselves out of following our hearts. If you’re feeling confused or stuck or icky yucky just ask yourself questions and write the answers down honestly. Answer them as if you don’t have to worry about anyones feelings but your own. Pretend there is no judgement. Listen to what is pulling you. That is your answer and the more you resist the more you’ll find yourself angry for no reason, irritated, anxious, depressed, jealous, or whatever the gross negative feelings are that come from telling your authentic self to fuck off.
It’s not easy to unzip who you think you are or pretend you are to see what’s really there but the more you strip away the bullshit the more you’re going to let all the unimportant things drift away and really get down the business of you.
It’s been a long road for me to get to the place I am now. I feel like I am graduating, leaving behind who I’ve been and about to step into the next place. I have no idea what is coming but I feel excited.
If you’re feeling like you’re in the icky stage here’s what I did and do to get unicky…
YOGA. Get in the studio and LISTEN. Learn the lessons and ground yourself. If you’re saying to yourself right now man I’m just not into all that hocus pocus then maybe you’re not ready to try something new. Why not be open to a new idea? What’s it really going to hurt? Just don’t eat before you go and then you won’t be the farting person in the back trying to act like they didn’t just shit themselves. Even if you do shit yourself yoga people aren’t gonna stop the class to laugh at you. We will do that later when we retell the story to our friends.
NATURE. Go out there and LISTEN. Look closer and see the things you’ve been ignoring. Nature grows through everything life throws at it. You can too.
PURGE. Let go. Free yourself of entanglements. Get rid of your extra shit. Do you need it? Is it functional? Do you use it? Lighten your load man. This doesn’t just apply to things. Let go of your old ways, ideas, habits. Say goodbye to people who hold you back or spew negativity. Why hold on to that?
LOVE. Love yourself. Stop telling yourself the bullshit stories over and over. I’m fat, I’m dumb, I’m whatever. If you stop judging yourself you’ll be free of that weight. Love others. When I get that judging yuck feeling about someone I stop myself and remember that everyone is just trying to be happy. I send them love and light and really hope for them happiness because why wouldn’t I want that for someone? Don’t worry about what other people are doing. If they bother you, stay away from them, it’s that simple. Send them love and walk away. Love love love. It’s not that hard. (usually)
Everything is a choice and everything you do is a diary.
Purging
July 14, 2015
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about purging attachments, to things, people, ideas, beliefs and maybe even to myself. It’s an overwhelming desire to leave it all behind and see what’s left.
Do I NEED those 87 milk glass vases to be happy?
Do I NEED to have certain people in my life to be happy?
Do I NEED believe certain things to be happy?
Why do we want what we want? Is it just a cover up so we don’t have to think deeply or feel a real feeling?
When the universe keeps giving you signs to change something and you ignore them long enough eventually it’s going to force your hand on the change and it most likely will not be in a way that feels gentle. It’s usually in a WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? kind of way because clearly you haven’t been responding to the gentler nudges.
The universe has been nudging me and my stubborn ass finally sees that, so change is upon me and I have no idea where I am going but I know that I am going and I’m not going to fight it. I’m learning to see change is a good thing. There is no need to fear it because if you’re really listening and paying attention you’ll know that you’re headed somewhere better than where you’ve been.
TO THE UNIVERSE:
I’m listening you mysterious son of a bitch! I’ll start clearing out the space and you do whatever the hell it is you do. Deal?
It’s a boy!
July 8, 2015
It turns out that our little J is a boy. This is something that we have always known but we didn’t know if it was something that he would grow out of or if he was a lesbian or something else. We remember when he just turned 5 and came downstairs saying I’m a dude! Just call me james! He’s always picked the boy toys, the boy costumes for Halloween, & the boy super hero underwear (until he could no longer fit into them and switched to the same ones as his dad) (also I’m sure he’d be real mad if he knew I was telling you about his underwear).
When people don’t understand I always explain it like for me, if i felt exactly as I do right now but everyone said I was a man and I had to dress and act like a man I would be miserable. Pretending every day and wearing a costume. That is no way to live. That’s why more that 50% of transgendered youth have had at LEAST 1 suicide attempt by their 20th birthday. Happiness comes from living your truth.
The kid has had a rough road so far & has lot’s of things stacked against him. The selective mutism makes it so it’s even harder to talk to people and make friends and now he’s got to deal with the challenges that come from being transgendered but once he told us how he felt and saw that it was ok and he didn’t have to suffer by pretending you could see some of the weight of the world lift off of him.
He’s about to be 13 so now he’s transitioning from the boy in the super hero shirts to mr cool guy hipster, it’s hilarious and fucking wonderful to see him excited to get up so he can get his hair just right and make sure he’s got the proper amount of cologne on to impress the ladies. Also this fool is walking around here talking about how sexy he is.
I don’t know where this kid gets his bravery and courage to just be himself and live his truth but I am so proud of him.
He took this after we went to H&M for some sweet clothes this weekend and clearly he loved it. Also he already lost the sunglasses.
Fast Beat
June 23, 2015
When I was in LA a couple of weeks ago I went to the beach to think some thoughts and to give my Lake Erie beach glass offering to the sea. I wanted to climb to a high spot up in the rocks so instead of thinking or looking for an easier way I just waited for the tide to pull away while a new wave formed and jumped up. This is the way I do everything in life. I don’t walk cautiously. I jump and then find the footholds that will propel me to the next step, blindly believing that whatever I can climb into I can find a way out of, and so far I’ve never found anything I couldn’t conquer. Where there is a will there is a way. (Unless the WILL is actually a WELL and then you might actually be fucked if you’re trying to climb out of it)
As I started to get higher I realized I was getting nervous so I stopped and sat to look, and write, and be for a moment and that’s when I realized that when you take the time to stop you can actually see the world move. I sat on the rocky cliffs and the rocks came to life. Actually those rocks were shit tons of creepy ass crabs but still, nothing is ever as it seems. We get so caught up in the running of life that we forget to stop and observe. Humans aren’t the only beings with things to do and places to go. The bugs are creeping, and the animals are jamming around looking for food, birds are trying to find things to make their nests, the plants are growing, the rocks are rocking and the rolls are, well made of bread and should be what’s for dinner but the point is we aren’t the only things that matter here on this planet. We are part of the whole.
The tide was coming in so I had to keep climbing up to figure my way out and when I got to the top I saw that there had been an easier way down. This happens to me a lot. I’m not patient and I take off running before I know where a trail ends. I don’t think I’ll ever be a look before I leap type of girl. I like the way it feels to be in the moment of adventure not knowing what might happen. You can asses every route before you choose a path & risk stumbling over a rock or a crazy ass tree root jutting out of the ground but for me, I’d always rather follow the fast beat of my heart up a mountainside than take a populated, beaten down, gently winding path.
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