Beavers are Good
Sex shops always draw you in with their colorful pretty looking toys, but beware because most of them are a bunch of bullshit. Here’s my list of the Do’s and Don’ts of sex toys.
This is a NO GO cock ring. Never trust any type of these little tiny bullet types. They use watch batteries which is like the equivalent of having a god damn house fly buzzing around on your vagina. What you should be looking for is a cock ring that has the full size silver bullet that uses AA batteries. That’s more like a jet engine and jet engines insure quick orgasms for a girl on the go. See below.
Here is the DON’T of vibrators. This bitch below has too many bells and whistles. First of all it’s too hard, it give you an internal bruise on your pubis bone and that’s gross. Second rotating vibrating pearls? The dude that thought that up has never even seen a vagina. Then you come down to the rabbit part and it’s all pointy and hard, thanks but I’d rather not rub my parts till their all bloody and sad.
This vibrator below is what you’re gonna want rubbing around downtown. The Eager Beaver is cheap and easy (just like your mom). It’s a soft shaft material that rotates around (but you can shut it off if you want) and the beaver vibrating part isn’t hard or pointy, only delightful and effective. Buy the beaver, today. Right now.
These two items are actually the only sex toys a girl needs. All the other gizmos that are out there are a bunch of horseshit. Seriously what the fuck are you going to do with a 16″ suction cup penis? It doesn’t vibrate or make you dinner, it just sits there expecting you to do all the work just like most men with big hogs. Take my advice girls, get the beaver and a man with a smaller dong because they both like to do the work for you.
Your kid just shit on my floor
This is dedicated to mothers everywhere who use the term effing.
I don’t know why some people apparently lose their minds as soon as a baby comes into their life. Kids are alright but remember when you used to be yourself? Remember the days before all you guys wanted to talk about was diapers, play dates and coffee?
Tips for moms with friends!
1. Don’t call or text your friend and say let’s hang out! btw I am bringing my kid(s). Listen, we like you and your kid(s) (maybe) but no we don’t want to spend the little free time with have with kids. Exception: If said friend is also a mom who says effing.
2. While spending time with a friend, please limit the kid chat. People without kids don’t know what the fuck a percentile growth chart is or what it’s like to pull a hard turd out of a kids butt nor do they want to know.
3. If you MUST bring your kids, you MUST wrangle your kids. Don’t let them pee in the dogs water bowl, and if they do they have to sit in the trunk of your car for the rest of the visit.
4. No cutesy words. You know your friend has heard you scream things in traffic that are horrific so please, stop acting like the word shit is bad.
5. Don’t judge your friend without kids adventures. As your friend we do remember your wilder days of getting hammered and showing your cans so please don’t act like you’ve never blown some dude in a stank ass bar bathroom.
I have kids and they’re cool (i guess) but they aren’t the only thing that makes me me.
To the moms I say, remember who you are. That person hopefully didn’t die the day your kid was born, get your ass out there and do your own thing sometimes your kid will thank you one day for being interesting.
Relationships are work?
It seems 2012 has brought a whole lot of bullshit in the way of relationships, not only for myself but a lot of my friends as well. I never really understood the whole relationships take hard work adage until now. (is that an adage?)
One thing I know for sure is first you gotta actually really LOVE your person in order to be able to work on a relationship, if you don’t it’s so much easier to say fuck you and your lying cheating ass and then throw that fool the hell out of your life. If you DO really love your person then here comes the work part of this old saying. You have to WORK through hurt, and anger, then you have to remember why you’re with your person to begin with, and finally you have to figure out just what needs to change for things to get better. As far as I can tell, the problems are never really the fault of one party in the relationship. You might have to admit, face, and change some things about yourself as well. Maybe get a couple new bras? Maybe he replaces his hole filled underpants with new ones. Maybe you don’t spend most of your nights together in an alcoholic haze and you actually talk to each other about more than what kid broke what and how the cat liter needs changed. It’s so easy to forget that before there was a regular ass life together you were two people who actually liked each other and wanted to hang out.
Here are some rules of relationships as made up by me.
1. Every morning think about what your life would be like without your person. (Keep in mind you’re going to need to skip over the farts, stink breath, annoying night coughing, the tossing and turning and the stealing of the covers that you deal with through out the night.) If you would be the saddest sack ever without them then go to # 2. If not then you should probably just turn on some I will Survive and pack your shit.
2. Remember what you would dress like when you were dating your person? Wear that again. In my case I’ll need to lose some weight so I can fit back into my flannel shirts. You know you weren’t wearing some old ass used to be white bra.
3. Kiss your person. Im not talking these tight lipped bullshit kisses, im talking lay one on them. Everyone likes a boner inducing kiss.
4. Adventure time! Get off the couch and go do something together. I don’t give a shit if it’s something you both hate. At least that gives you a common ground of bitching.
5. Make the sex. Don’t just do the normal routine where you jump right into the tricks you already know and then you’re all done. You’re gonna need to get into some weird shit sometimes. Step it up and by that I don’t mean try the cosmo sex tips, you’re going to have to turn on private browsing and dig around on the internet for some dirty thangs.
Follow these easy steps and push back your divorce by a couple years.
God Damn Chimps
The older I get the more I realize that all men really are, are fucking chimps running around jacking off and shoving celery stalks up their own asses. I’m so tired of hearing about how horny they are and how they’re helpless against the urge to fuck every single woman. Is this seriously all there is? It’s so boring. We get it EVERY MAGAZINE, EVERY COMMERCIAL, EVERY PORN WEBSITE. We fucking get it. If the only thing a woman is good for is sex than why are men bothering to get into relationships? I don’t want to hear how it’s just SO HARD to be with one girl anymore. This is not the goddamn 50’s. Guess what dudes, you don’t need to get married and have babies. You’re perfectly welcome to just keep swinging your dicks around to see what bites.
Valentine’s Day
We all know that Valentine’s Day is a bunch of horseshit. Tacky decorations are everywhere, wal mart is over run with white teddy bears holding red velvet hearts that say I love you, and gas stations everywhere have a box of reese hearts by the register. None of these things makes me want to celebrate love.
Don’t buy the person you love any of these things. Well except the reese hearts because fuck the shape, those bitches are always good. I think the very best thing a man can do for a woman on Valentine’s Day is make her a playlist and slip it on to her ipod. When women hear songs they put themselves into the lyrics and give it meaning. Men don’t do this, I don’t even think men understand this phenomenon. Men ALL you have to do to go through your itunes library and just pick songs out by title, you don’t even have to actually know the song and your girl will swoon.
You may thank me after you’re gently laid tonight. (To your playlist of course.)
i’m awkward
My aunt just put this picture up on FB and I had to steal it because god damn i am that girl.
While other people are having conversations and laughing it up you can always count on me to be hanging out with whatever pet they have. If the pet doesn’t really want to hang out you can bet your ass that I’ll chase that bitch around so I don’t have to awkwardly explain to people what I do. I don’t do small talk, I’m not that interesting and mostly when people are talking I don’t even know what they’re talking about. I don’t watch the news. If I am reading the headlines on yahoo and click the link I immediately click off if that thing is more than 3 paragraphs. I don’t have time to know what’s happening EVERYWHERE. I do know what celebrity is dating who, what movie they’re working on and their social security numbers.
Then you start talking to someone and they want to talk about their kids and how cute they are and what they did last week. There are a few people who are an exception to this rule and you probably know who you are but for the most part I don’t like kids. I have a few and they have their good moments but uh, they can move out anytime.
Also I have like 26 jobs, which job am I supposed to talk about when Im asked what I do? I don’t want to run down the list of shit so I mainly just say I am a full time corner sitter. Not like a sexy time one but like the lady who sits on old milk crates and holds a sign that says “BROKE. Need money for a trip to get away from my kids for a week”. The truth is most people don’t get that because they’re so happy being painfully normal that saying to anyone outloud that your kids are turds is a sin.
I don’t think people get me and I hate tripping over my words so I’ll just stick with what I know.
(i own this painting and it’s awesome)
A Magical Adventure to the Pacific Northwest
Our trip to Seattle and Portland started last Saturday in Seattle. Melissa, Barbara, and I arrived in the early afternoon and started at the Seattle Gift Show as work recon for Salty. After that we headed straight to Pike Place Market for food. After wandering the streets we ended up at a place called the Pink Door which was in an alley somewhere with a secret unmarked door. If you ever go, get the god damn lasagna because it will knock your socks right off. We continued down the alley and found another little bar where we probably ended up doing some jaeger shots. From there we headed to some place inside Pike Place with kick ass pizza and a dance party downstairs. Here are some fuzzy in my mind images from that night.
The next day we tried to drive to the Oregon coast from Seattle but the roads got really shitty so we turned back and headed to Portland to see my dear friend Josh. We got there and went straight to dinner at one of my favorite places. Edgefield in Troutdale is awesome. I recommend you go there now. Josh’s girlfriend katie met us there and we had tasty beer then headed to the winery where Josh and I tried about 76 different wines. After being fully wined up we headed for Josh’s house to unpack, unwind, and make friends with the hammock we would soon be sleeping in. Before that, there were times had. Here are some (possibly incriminating) photos.
Things for the next 3 days went the same, shopping, walking, eating, drinking, and laughing.
The following sequence of photos shows a train ride in which we were asked if we were commies because of the star on Melissas beer box.
And now for some random shots of the 5 of us in or amongst Portland…
Early Thursday morning we said good bye to Josh and Katie and headed for Seattle. We had flights to catch home. We drove through a big ass freak ice storm but made it to the airport on time. We left Barbara at the airport and headed into the city since our flight was 12 hours later than hers. We ended up in Pioneer Square in a little bar called Merchant Cafe. It was great and the bartender was awesome. Melissa enjoyed some IPAs and got slightly hammered and the man running the music was very thrown off when she screamed DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTER. Here is her having an awesome time…
While we were here Barbara called to say all flights were cancelled and we were going to be stuck in Seattle for 2 more days. We were not crushed at this news. We gave Barbara some directions and pointed her toward the train so she could meet us. After getting all our flights figured we headed to a hotel to hole up for the next couple days. That night we were so tired we just stayed in ate pizza and passed out. The next day we went exploring to find handmade shops. We also found a really cute shop cat.
Our last night in Seattle we went out with a pretty large bang. We started off in the super hidden super tiny Bathtub Gin & Co. They had excellent cocktails and quite tasty absinthe. Barbara decided she wanted to go dance somewhere and yelled to Melissa what may be my favorite quote of the trip “girl do you want to cut a rub or do you not want to cut a fucking rug? Cause I wanna cut a damn rug!” We went to a arcade bar next where we played Radiohead and Sublime and sang loudly until the glares let us know it was time to get out. We found some kind of techno crazy ass club and begged the DJ (lovingly renamed Shaquille O’DJ by me) to play Hypnotize by Biggie. He did not. The ending was rough my friends. As seen in the photos below. ROUGH.
And now I gift you with this dance from Josh to all of you.
Bad Sex…according to someone on the internet. And me.
I came across this list of “lousy lovers to avoid” on the internet.
1. The Leg Humper. In high school, I remember dry-humping being the pinnacle of awesomeness. Nights on the couch “watching a movie” ruled. However, once actual penetration was achieved, dry-humping went by the wayside. For good reason. Dry-humping is NOT better than actual sex. Ever.
Has this happened to anyone? Who the fuck is trying to hump a leg? Did a 14 year old write this article?
2. The Minute-Man. Okay, so don’t get all up in arms at me about this one. It happens. It’s flattering … until it’s not. If every time we get naked, it takes me more time to remove my bra than to complete sex, something’s got to give.
I guess this one is on. I’ve had this guy and it’s annoying as shit. After awhile you know it’s not just that you’re super hot or have a really awesome vagina it’s just that you’re dating a huge loser and you’re probably that only one dumb enough to have ever had sex with him.
3. The Jack Rabbit. I’ve (unfortunately) seen rabbits have sex. The look on the female rabbit’s face is always a mixture of shame and embarrassment, like, “How did I GET myself into this situation?” Which neatly sums up what it’s like to have sex with a Jack Rabbit.
I saw this guy on Sex and the City once but I’ve never had or heard about anyone having this guy. Also don’t you have to do this in a missionary way? I don’t think people do that postion anymore. This ain’t the 50’s, girls are on top now.
4. The Pushy Lover. It really DOES suck when you’re all ready to get down and dirty and your partner decides that they’re not in the mood. Been there. However, begging, pleading, and downright groveling for sex is not only not hot, it’s embarrassing. For both of us.
JESUS CHRIST. This is the worst. You have to be SLICK men. You have to get your lady into without her knowing you’re trying to get her into it. Pulling her hand to your boner isn’t attractive.
5. The Lazy Boy. Now, I don’t always need hours of foreplay to get in the mood, but if you just want to be in and out every single time, well, you can be in and out somewhere else.
Are the lazy or clueless? If I was a man I would probably be freaked out at the prospect of having to please a lady. Woman are like god damn combination locks. Not like one on your locker but like on a vault of diamonds. That shit is not easy to figure out. I forget my own combination all the time.
6. The Selfish One. There’s nothing I like post-sexin’ than to roll over and take a nap. However, if I haven’t actually climaxed and you roll over and go to sleep without a word? It’s time to roll right on over and out of my bed.
See this guy would not be able to go to sleep in my bed because no way jose, I am too damn old and wise to be tricked into giving you a blow job with out anything in return. If you have an orgasm you better bet your ass you’re staying awake to figure out my combination.
Things I’ll NEVER Understand about Men
Men are amazingly simple creatures that I just can’t seem to “get”.
1. Why are you being fooled by a bartender with a low cut shirt? You are literally giving a woman money for having boobs and letting you look at them. You can do that for free. Also, she does not like you.
2. Why do you insist on peeing on the floor? The toilet is right there. Are you not holding on and just doing a piss dance? Come on.
3. Why do you have to tell your girl about the shit you just took?
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