I’m trying to sleep and I can’t. I just keep thinking about Jessica Simpson’s Ugly Ass Pants and how everyone is saying she is fat. Let’s get real people, Jessica in real life is probably a size 4 which can never be fat. She also has huge boobs which make a girl look heavier than she is. The real problem here, ok the 2 real problems here were 1. She was playing the chili cook off somewhere which is just embarrassing, and 2. she had on ugly ass pants that she should have never worn. I mean no one needs to wear pants in public like that. Yes, I’m going to say it right here that generally all my pajama pants come up to my nipples but I ain’t going out like that. No one needs to see any of this camel toe ok. Jessica just needs some cute jeans and a flowy top. Does that bitch need a stylist? I can help. I know where she can get some excellent hoodie sweatshirts.

And pajama pants.

As I am getting ready for my trip to the great city of Las Vegas I have been under pressure to find a new suitcase. Can someone please tell me why a “cheap” suitcase is $130 clams? There is nothing to it, it’s an empty box with two freakin wheels! My current suitcase is just a size too small for a 10 day trip. I hate being at a hotel and I can’t just wash my clothes and wear them again, you have to bring a million clothes. I am a thirty year old lady and I dress like Juno normally so when I go to work in Vegas I have to put on real damn pants and shoes. I hate that bullshit. Why can’t I just wear a t shirt and jeans? Why does the public want to see my fat ass squeezed into black dress pants and uncomfortable shoes? Hey everyone this waistband is digging into my soul, do you want to buy a chair?
The other day J wanted to know when she was going swimming and I told her in one hour. She said, is that like one sponge bob? I said no it’s two.
She smiled and said, “that’s easy”

Why do we have a love hate relationship with waiting? I don’t know if this is a universal issue or strictly american but we hate to wait but we love waiting to wait. When we are outside our gate at the airport we get very anxious about boarding. Every 5 seconds someone walks up to the window to check and see if the plane is out there. When boarding does start and we wait for our “zone” to be called we anxiously look around secretly hating every single asshole that goes down that hallway before we do. When we finally get the magical call we give our tickets and start our descent to the plane and realize that the portable hallway job (can’t remember the name) is all backed up because people have to bring the biggest freakin bags they can and try to stuff them in the overheads. Why can’t they just sit their asses down? This is what you say to whoever you are with. GOD WHY CAN’T PEOPLE JUST SIT DOWN? So we get mad we have to wait in the hallway till we can find our seats. Finally you arrive to your seat and sit down in a timely manner and the complaints about when is the flight going to go start. Why does boarding take so long? Why are these assholes late? When is the pilot going to move this damn thing? We just shoved, pushed, and plotted the demise of everyone who boarded before us so we could sit here in our seats and wait for the plane to move.
Yesterday I was sitting outside my micro class and there were people in there finishing their class. Everyone emptied out except 4 people who were just lingering. As they were doing nothing in there and meanwhile there is a crowd growing outside and we’re getting angry. GET OUT, WE NEED TO SIT IN OUR SEATS AND WWWWWAAAAIIIIIITTTTTT. Finally we said forget it, we just don’t give a shit and we’re going in to start this thing.
Have you ever waited to get on the subway and seen the people who walk all the way to the edge, look down the track for the train, get disgusted and walk away? Wouldn’t they just hear it barreling down the track?
I hate waiting but you can be damn sure if you board before I do, Im judging you harshly.

I have been tagged many times so fine I will write the 16 things about me which seems just a little silly considering I write almost daily about myself.

1. I love when the sun is shining but I don’t like it on me. I don’t want to look like a handbag. But I never use sunscreen because some really sick part of me likes to be tan.

2. I love the smell of a tent.

3. Somewhere in Oregon I realized I really enjoy a good brewery beer.

4. I love to travel but I can’t sit still on vacation. I have to be able to explore somewhere and then get on the road to a new place. Staying in one town is torturous.

5. I love to see wildlife in it’s natural habitat. I saw a whale jump in the water from the road in Oregon once and I made Renner pull over so we could run to a cliff and wait to see it again. Then when Renner found a tarantula in Nevada I made her keep it there until I could run down the mountain to look at it. It was seriously the highlight of my trip. I am more excited about natural tarantula than I am about casinos, nightclubs, or high heels.

6. When I get mad or excited in anyway I have a high pitched shrill voice.

7. I adore my job because it allows me to sit in an office with minimal contact with humans but when I have to travel and talk to people I think about “falling down” the escalator so I don’t have to wear real pants and make small talk with strangers.

8. I always loved watching stand up comedy until I married a comedian.

9. I hate horror movies because I get too nervous and then for the next few nights I have to turn on all the lights and run to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Then when Im sitting there peeing I start thinking one or all of these next 3 things. 1. monster is looking in the bathroom window at me. 2. monster is hiding in the shower. 3. if I look in the mirror monster will be behind me.

10. I hate shopping for many reason but one big reason is because I freakin hate getting in and out of the car especially when it’s hot or cold. I do not want to have to get out and walk 25 times. I hate when I sit down and then I have to pull down my shirt because my coat is pulling it up and then my bra straps fall down and I have to dig through 75 layers to pull them up, then I have to find somewhere for my heavy ass purse then I realize the keys are in my pocket and I have to find those then it makes my shirt pull up again. Forget it im going to target, my one stop shop for shampoo, new pants, cheese and toilet paper.

11. new york city is my favorite place to wander alone.

12. I have worked in a hospital as a nursing assistant and seen all you can see, I have dug into the insides of humans in a cadaver lab, I have held a human brain in my hands, I have birthed 3 children, and taken care of old people as a home health aid, but damn it slobber makes me gag. Im not talking about baby slobber, Im talking grown up human slobber. Anything dealing with oral issues or suctioning people out with an inability to swallow turns my stomach.

13. I love haunted houses but every damn time I go in one I am truly scared because I think that this is going to be the time that a crazy murderer is using the haunted house as a front for the real operation he is running which is pulling out my guts and then chopping me up with a chainsaw.

14. I have had acrylic nails for 6 years now. I can’t give it up. I hate my regular nails and they’re horrid looking because I bite them. I even bite my fake ones and the Vietnamese people who fix them really hate me. When Im a nurse, Im going to have to find a job that will let me keep them and when Im in clinicals and can’t wear them I will find a way to make them look like real nails because those bitches can’t break me.

15. I love the shows threes company and mels diner, but I could watch Roseanne forever.

16. I always knew I was weird because I could write things I just couldn’t say. I thought it was just a social disorder which it actually might be, but once I realized that I was a writer it all made sense.

I don’t want to tag people to write 16 random things, I want to tag people to find out what they truly are. I am truly a writer its who I’ve always been. I want to know what you are.

We need to have a standardized test for old people on modern technology before they should be allowed to use it. Old people do not understand the internet or cell phones. And you know what else, it just doesn’t look right, them using these things. I would be less shocked if an old lady actually pulled out one of those regular old timey home phones with a rotary dial than if she pulled out a blackberry.
If an old person does have a cell phone and it rings its always the same routine. They dig it out of the belt clip they’re wearing and look at it and say, I don’t even know how to turn this thing on. Oh and forget the shit out of texting. Im pretty sure my dad doesn’t even know how to check his voicemail.
Now let’s talk about the internet. They have no business having an email account if they have to ask me what spam is. You can’t just be sitting there pressing all the buttons on a keyboard and not know what you’re doing. They can’t be allowed to google things. What if they type in BEAVER and a naked lady comes up? Then they’re going to be asking all kinds of questions.
Also they always use pc’s cause they’re cheap and then end up with all kinds of problems. Don’t call me and ask how to clear everything off because it won’t stop freezing and saying low memory. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with your angry looking windows piece of crap. Stop pressing all the buttons.
Another thing is they don’t understand nigerian scams. If they get an email saying they are getting a shit load of money but they have to pay 25k to get it, they hand over the 25k. Then there goes all your inheritance to some african dude who then uses it to buy old umbro shorts.
All im saying is let’s make them take a test. Is that wrong?

10 years ago I started having babies. I knew what babies needed, how to hold them, what to do with them. I have come to realize now as all my friends are having their babies that I have apparently forgotten everything I knew. When my kids were babies, I was the only one with kids and now there is a freakin baby explosion. I love babies, especially little girl ones ( i am partial) and I love buying baby gifts. I thought i was good at it but as I wandered Babies R Us with gift registry in hand I realized that I look like a clueless man. I could not understand one thing on the registry and I could not figure out what to buy, what matched, what a new mom would want or need. I have kids, i should know this but I don’t. I can’t believe how retarded I am.
I feel like someone who is 30 who never had kids, but just runs a halfway house for a few really annoying orphans.

I was watching American Idol on the tivo this evening and I realized something completely ridiculous about myself. No it’s not that I totally enjoy watching american idol minus all the bullshit montages and people in pimp hats that know they sound like demons.
When people come on there that can really sing I find myself making crazy ass facial expressions. It’s like Im channeling the singer through my body, only im not singing just making the face.
Im going to have to watch it in private from now on i think.

When Renner and I went to Las Vegas she forced me to go see Twilight. I had no interest or desire to read or watch such bullshit.
I watched the movie and I liked it ok, I thought it was long but it was ok. The film color was beautiful and some of the shots were amazingly green and being shot in one of my favorite places on earth I was happy to look at it.
When we got home she forced me to read Twilight and then I had to finish the rest of the books after I started it.
I went to see Twilight again after reading books 1-3 and I was shit my pants excited. It was like seeing it for the first time through the eyes of a crazy Twilight fan. Seeing the characters onscreen maybe me do a happy dance in my seat. That night I had to beg renner to come meet me to bring me the last book because I had to read it immediately. By the time it was over I went to a sad place because my adventures in Forks, WA were over.
All I’m saying is that she wrote a fantastical story and that transcends age. The soundtrack is fun as well and I can’t stop listening to Never Think. I am a fool for a good vampire love story. I am a girl and I don’t care.
By the way, the guy who played Jacob Black got resigned for the next movie. Why don’t you go ahead and watch this video?
http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/crush/taylor-lautner-buffs-up-for-new-moon/118
I realize this makes me a dirty old lady but come on.

Think of the awesome shit you could do if you had a lion roar.

1. When your black lab is being an asshole and jumping all over you, you just roar and he falls down and whines and starts to be a good boy cause he has no idea what the fuck just happened.

2. When you’re stuck behind some son of a bitch who’s trying to turn left when all you want to do is turn right you could get out of your car, knock on their window and when they roll it down, just roar so loud it blows their hair back and makes their cheeks wiggle.

3. When your kids are fighting and acting damn fools in the backseat and you can’t reach to beat whoever you can get, just roar and scare them silent.

4. When you’re at work and you’re in the middle of doing six things already and your boss asks you to do six more.

I mean that’s all I can think of right now but I know that on more than one occasion I have seriously thought, man I wish I could roar like a lion and that my friends is not what I call normal.

I beg of you, all who read my little blog and who live somewhere near me. I need help. I am thirty and my body should not hurt like that of a little old farm lady who has had a hard life of working in the field and slaughtering her own pigs. I have never worked hard labor unless you count helping old ladies find velour track suits at aileens. My knees ache, but you know this bitch never played a damn sport. My hip joints hurt, but I am not out doing gymnastics. I shoveled my little sidewalk and around our cars yesterday and every muscle hurts. This is not right so I implore you, someone please take a yoga class with me. If I don’t stretch these muscles out they are going to atrophy at any moment leaving me a shriveled raisin lady in a wheelchair. I need moral support in this. Also I love you my friends, but if you are some skinny little bitch please do not agree to go with me. I don’t need to see any kind of tight body in spandex telling me I can do it and to just breathe. I need someone who is fighting equally hard not to fart during downward dog.
Thank you and good day.