so bill and I went to ny yesterday to a casino in Verona. He had a gig and I went along. It took us 7 freakin hours to get there and about 5 hours in squire shit his pants. For real. he had to go into a gas station and put on new underwear. He ended up leaving his old underwear hidden behind the toilet. someone had a bad day at work. So we get to the casino and in the parking lot bill really starts to think he is going to have to poop in the parking lot. it was a long way into the building and he doesn’t think he can make it. So he stopped like a little kid who is playing, stops and makes the poop face and then continues on his way. He waddled into the hotel as quick as he could with he cheeks clenched just as tight as he could get them. He ran into the bathroom did what he came to do and then immediately got in the shower.
Then we go down to the show and stopped off at the casino part first. The slots didn’t take cash so you had to go up to the cage, put cash on a card and then you put the card into the machine. Then the machines wouldn’t take the stinkin cards so you had to take them out and put them in about 100 times before it would accept the card. So then we start to play and the machines suck. You cannot win 3 nickels. Also the casino didn’t have a liquor license. You could bring your own stuff in though. So Bill and went upstairs had some wine and passed out. We’re very exciting. We woke up and drove home today and it’s a damn long ride man. I’ll tell you what though, we’re 2 damn fools bill and i. thats why we get along so well.

My day started at 4am with the horrid sound of my alarm reminding me that it was time to leave my mountainous desert home away from home. Going through the airport security line I really feel like a bunch of backwoods hillbillies are in charge and they don’t like none of our fancy talkin and new found technology. Take off them shoes, take that puter out of your bag wheres we can see it. God damn, someone has to stand up and say THIS IS RETARDED! Other countries are laughing at us for the love of god please will someone please step in.
So anyway, sitting at the terminal waiting for the plane I was watching all the people and it’s always the same people. You have fancy business dude in a suit and the newest fancy phone, talking into a bluetooth about how important he is and typing on a laptop becuase he just has to get all this work done right here in this airport right now. You have the lady with 16 bags and somehow she gets away with getting on the plane with them all. Then there’s the lady walking around in a dress with it tucked into her panties, not the back but the front. Oh yeah, I saw that today. I also saw a fancy mom and her son walking very fast and he tripped on his flip flop and he ate it. I laughed out loud at that one.
I hate flying because its like a dirty air bus and I always fall asleep and jerk away and it’s embarrasing and im a private sleeper so it’s even worse. Today however I didn’t do the jerk but twice the person behind me sneezed and made me jump out of my skin and woke me up.
Bill was waiting for me at the baggage claim and we were 2 happy people. I squeezed his meat and we were off to lunch. We ran into a guy we know and he had his 4 month old baby boy there so we got to play with a little baby for awhile and it was nice.
We came home, got the kids, had some ice cream and now here I am in bed with my man, funyuns, and some sweet hostess cupcakes.
Happiness.

Ah sleeping in, I woke up at 7am today! WOOHOO! So we started our day at the Orleans Casino which I had never been to and was alright if you like giant cartoony alligators hanging around. We only stopped in to eat on our way out to the mountains. We headed west out towards mt charleston. We went down a long road headed straight towards the mountains and the road ended in this teeny little town of swiss chalet looking houses. Cold Creek. I didn’t see a creek and I was pretty sure I was going to see the road out was suddenly blocked by a group of strange mountain people who now that I had seen their village were not going to let me leave and spread the word to the rest of the world that their place exists. Well it does exist and it’s awesome and most of it is for sale.
We left there and went to another road that led to Mt. Charleston. Half the mountains were smooth and treeless and the other half were forested. It’s an ancient ocean so the smooth limestone is all crusted with fossils. We got out and decided to hike up a trail. Sadly I was wearing flip flops. So it was all rocky and going straight up and I couldn’t breathe. So we finally come to this huge overhang of mountain and inside were lots of small caves. People were rock climbing right behind up straight up the wall. It was awesome. The overhang was a sea cave at one time that caved in. We we sat on some rocks and ate some lunch and just looked at the place we were in. The scale of this overhang was massive. You’ll have to check my pics when I get them uploaded from my camera. So we’re sitting there and we hear some people coming and all the sudden i see some head on a stick and holding the stick is a lady I can only describe as weird ex porn star. Blond, huge boobs hanging out, full make up, lips that match her boobs, and long huge green nails. She has with her a dude that looked like an older cary hart and they stopped by us for a minute and asked the way up, some other guy told her she needed to climb up the rock and she went the other way and grumbled she has real nails and she wasn’t breaking them climbing up a rock.
So I crawled my way down the mountain in my flops and made it back to the car without killing myself.
We headed back to las vegas and here I am writing this and getting ready to pack it in. I will see you tomorrow.

Strauss woke me up making all kinds of noise in this house. He must hate when people sleep because he never lets me do it around here. He went to go pack up the furniture and I stayed at the house to do laundry and float topless in the pool which i have grown quite fond of doing. So while doing so I didn’t bother to turn over and now I have a red stripe down the middle of my body. and it hurts.
This evening i ended up at red rock canyon on the outskirts of vegas and it is a good time. There are huge formations and they’re ancient sand dunes. I loved them. On my way to go hug the dune I heard a pack of coyotes howling and then i heard the baby ones trying to howl. it was the cutest thing ever. While I was standing there 2 bats were flying around my head. one was freakin huge and i really wanted to follow it to go see a cave. We were driving on the road lopp and we came to the highest point and you could see the mountains next to you but then in this opening you could see all of las vegas. it was awesome. By this time it was black outside so it was just glitter in the darkness. Then this car pulled into the parking lot and sat there forever listening to loud ass rap. It was only then I understood why people always get murdered up on those scenic overlooks. A nice man is enjoying being in nature and looking down at a beautiful city lit up and dancing with color and god damn it if some assholes don’t pull up next to him blasting some bullshit rap.
It makes perfect sense to me.

ast day of the show and it was not good. It was super slow and the best part was that it was over at 4, so around 330 I was able to drag strauss out of there. We went over to the forum shops at caesars and I saw a huge beautiful emeral cut diamond ring at harry winston. i want a harry winston ring like nobodys business. So went shopped, then played some stupid slots and then headed to bobby flay’s mesa grill. Man, i love that place. we has this warm chocolate cake for dessert with dulce de leche ice cream and it was happiness. We went over to the bellagio and jammed around and then came home.
I watched some dateline, ate a bunch of pickles and passed the hell out.

Another day at the show and it was slow and boring. I realized that I am having all the PMS when the whole day I wanted to kill everyone. Finally I just went to a different floor and read some magazines in a chair away from humans.
After the show Strauss, Jena, and I went to dinner which was lovely and then we went to see step brother. A couple times I was realy losing my mind. I thought i might cry. I don’t really like all the wacky unreal goofy stuff but god damn when will ferrell is just being himself i can’t even take it.
You know what I hate is a god damn sheet. It never stays where it’s supposed to and it ends up all crinkled at the end of they bed. The only time I have ever been happy about a sheet is when I was in the army and we had terrible wool blankets that felt like the devils ass and the sheet saved my skin from that but that’s the only time one has ever been of use. Well I guess that’s because I’ve never been to prison and needed to hang myself though.

This morning I dropped Strauss off at the door of the world market center and wandered away to go to Target. We were having a booth party in the afternoon and I needed to get some stuff for the party. So I went to target but I didn’t want to go back to the show yet so i jammed around a little. I ended up at caesars palace walking around because thats where they have all the big diamonds i like to look at. Then i decided to leave because I always feel bad and guilty if im not helping him. So I went to go look for my car in the parking garage which was about a billion degrees and it smelled like car exhaust. You know i couldn’t find that damn car. I started to get nervous. I did walk up to one and look in the windows to see if it was mine or not. so after much wandering i did find the car and i worked my way out of the garage. They have these things though, I guess they’re speed bumps but they aren’t like a normal speed bump, its like a speed mountain. I didn’t see it because the sun was in my eyes so i hit that bitch going full speed man and dukes of hazarded that shit like nobodys business.
I ended up at the show and i met the girl I hired a few weeks ago to help out at the booth the last 3 days of the show. You never know who you’re going to get when you hire blindly but she turned out to be great. She gets the joke, which makes life so much better.
Then I went to take something out of my bag and my whole ass hit the temporary wall and knocked the wall out of it’s shell. It made a huge ass shaped ripple and nearly knocked down the guys all glass display behind it.
We had our booth event yesterday which meant all kinds of mooches stopped by for champagne and chocolate. Including myself. It still wasn’t that busy and I think we’ll be giving out champagne and chocolate for the next 2 days.
I love being here. I love the weather it’s blue skies everyday. I love driving in to work and looking at these mountains that are so perfect against the sky it looks like a pull down back drop at the wal mart photo studio. I don’t want to live in Ohio.

Well Vegas is whoopin all our asses man. Today at lunch I saw a dude parked on his pride jazzy motor scooter in the middle of the walkway just straight passed out. I really thought the guy had just died and that’s where his scooter and life suddenly stopped. We watched him for i don’t know how long before he woke up and scooted away.
I was walking back in from lunch and was headed to the bathroom when for the 4th time today my damn flip flop got somehow stuck in this carpet situation they got going up there and I yelled, OH MY GOD and i made the lady walking in front of me jump.
My ulcer has been hurting and so today I left the show early and came back to the house, but on my way out of the show I saw this crazy chinese guy passed out in the lobby on a couch. He couldn’t take one more second.
So I found my way back to the house, took some meds and I needed to lay down so I did so on my raft in the pool. It was sweet. Then I came in hung out and was starting dinner when I swear to god I heard a door open and close like 3 times. I got on the phone with strauss and I was ALARMED. Thankfully he was almost home when I called. I made him check the house because I was too scared to leave the kitchen. He says there is no one anywhere, but im still freaked out. I have no idea what that noise could have been.
Anyway, Im tired, I haven’t been sleeping well and I have lots of mystery bruises. I think tomorrow I am going to go see Step Brothers at the Palms. Now, however, I am off to eat another fab dinner by chef strauss. see ya later suckas.

Yeah, I realize this is day 5 now but I have to write about yesterdays events because I was too tired to do it last night.
Sunday night I proceeded to accidentally get rip roaring drunk. I guess I hadn’t eaten and mix that with a crap ton of vodka and you get a girl with no memory of the events, puking, and with many new bruises and cuts on her body. My whole body is sore. On top of that I dropped my phone in the pool. So yesterday I woke up at 6am, took a shower got dressed to come to the show and then I couldn’t move. Strauss had to go in without me. I felt really bad but I could not move at all. That is the damn worst feeling in the world. I was pleading for death. So I was home and I watched an episode of the Goldern Girls. Good lord, Im telling you right now that show is funny.
So I tried to get my act together and around 1 I rolled my ass into the show. I was miserable. I sat at the table and tried not to yack on anyone. The show doesn’t end until 6 so they day drug on like when you try to push a cooler to a good spot on the beach. It was painful. After the show there was a big celebration for the opening of this new building we’re in so we had to attend that. Free drinks and food? Hey I’ll just have this nice coke a cola. Then it was time for the real treat, the moment we’d all be waiting for. ROD STEWART performing LIVE for us here at the World Market Center Las Vegas. We were with our Vegas sales rep Jenny. Everything that you could imagine a woman living in las vegas would be like, thats Jenny. The hair, the outfit, the makeup, and the high high heels. We we’re sitting at the rod show and jenny is dancing and all the sudden she threw her hands in the air and shouts to the world, “i can’t believe we’re seeing rod stewart! it’s just now hitting me!!” and then kept right on dancing.
After all the rod action we headed to the Palms for dinner. We ended up at an italian place called NOVE which by the way, I highly recommend. It was so good. We sat at a booth and looked out over Las Vegas and it was lovely. Strauss and Jenny were drinking free drinks at The Rod and now more cocktails here at the restaurant. You think jenny is chatty without alcohol? So here’s where the conversation gets weird, she starts talking about me and saying her first impression of me when we met back in January. For the life of me, I don’t know one thing she said. What I did catch is that she thinks im very preserved. not reserved, PRESERVED. The she kept holding my hand and saying you know im sincere when I hold your hand right? After dinner we went to the Playboy club and it was so pretty inside. We sat by the window and while I was falling asleep jenny and strauss were having some more alcoholic beverages. All the while chatting some nonsenseical chats. At one point strauss took each of our hands and was telling us we’re really honest and that’s why he likes us. Listen I have no idea what the hell these fools were talking about. Oh by the way, jenny is a former playboy bunny and she loves to tell her tale. I think it’s awesome. So she tells us of her new idea. She wants to contact playboy and see if they want to do a pictorial with her after all these years. I say do it.
We leave the club and jenny talked the whole way home without a stop for air. When we finally got home last night and I was laying in bed listening to the quiet of no jenny jabber I wondered just what the hell am I preserved in.

Today I was up at 6 freakin am again. We ate some breakfast by the pool and then headed to the show to continue setting up shop. We realized that we needed some accessories and set off on a shopping journey. Somewhere during the shopping I got one of the headaches that not only hurts, but it makes me dizzy and sick so we went into target to get some IBP. I took it and we headed back into the show. Trying to get from your car in the parking garage to the show is a damn ordeal. You gotta walk to an elevator, wait for an elevator – it says there are 6 but Im pretty sure 5 are just there for decoration. Then go outside and around to another giant building. When we got to the building I realized that I forgot my badge so security hassled me and told me I had to go register as a visitor. Well I had a headache, it’s 110 degrees, Im sick so I yelled “thats retarded!” and then she started explaining shit to me as I walked away towards the registration. Well at registration it’s some lady who is about 499 years old and I don’t think she could hear. You have to sign in on a log who you are what you’re doing and where you’re going. How that is going to stop a criminal from lifting a freakin couch and non chalantly taking it out of the building is beyond me. So while signing it on of the things you have to fill out is DESTINATION: I wrote: YOUR MOM.
We made our way to yet another elevator, finished our business and got the hell out of there. Now im sitting here waiting for guests to arrive. We’re having a little party. Im sure it’s going to get wild because there is salsa and vodka and maybe 5 but probably just the 2 of us.
Watch out Vegas, Im going to tear up this backyard.