When I walked into the bar last night there were 3 dudes playing darts. This was at 6pm eastern standard time. One of the dudes, let’s call him JT is the owners son. So they’re playing darts and I figured they would head home soon. He has a finance waiting at home and he’s in work clothes so I know he came straight in after work. Then this other guy came in just crazy hyped up and buys the everyone in the bar a shot. This was all JT needed to send him on an alcohol spiral that wouldn’t end until 1am.
The crazy that guy came in kept telling me to call him walt baby love or wbl for short. He started telling me he wants to “eat my box” (which made me gag) and looking down in the direction of my vagina and making eyes at it. It was disturbing. This went on for about 3 hours with this dude. All the while JT is getting drunker by the minute talking about his bachelor party that is taking place Saturday at the bar. WBL told JT he was bringing the dark meat whores so they needed to shut the bar down. JT refused the dark meat whore and exchanged them for cocaine. The flyer for the bachelor party would read something like this..
Coke Party Saturday at JT’s!
Also Texas Hold ‘Em and FREE FOOD!!
So the drunker JT gets the louder he sings and the closer he talks to you. I don’t know why but when he talks to the other dudes in the bar it’s like a scene out of the homo erotic film interview with the vampire.
One of the dudes was getting progressively angrier about his inability to win at darts and the other kid kept going from hysterical laughter to near tears for no apparent reason. He would say things like if anyone messes with my family I have a gun and I will shoot. I try to be a good guy. Can I just have this beer? I don’t have any money.
Towards the end of the night they spoke to each other in a strange series of high fives and motivational phrases like i need you on my team man, you’re my teammate and you’re the best. You used that machine at the gym with 50 pound weights and I could only do 20!
A couple other random dudes would come in and out during this time and I find it to be the oddest thing. Why do men come into the bar to sit alone and drink? Are they lonely? I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable walking into a little stink bar and drinking alone. Or a desire to for that matter. It’s really sad kind of.
Finally the end of the night came after many darts, many pitchers of bud light, and many shots of jager and washington apples and I was left with the one dude who kept almost crying. He asks if I will take him home and I said I would. So he locked the doors and helped me turn off the lights and I took him home. When we pulled up to HIS PARENTS house he asked if I wanted to come in. I said no, it’s almost 2 am I have to get up early. He looked kind of confused by this and said oh ok. Um I thought you were going to come in and hook up with me.
I said no, im just dropping you off.
He said oh ok, well see ya.
I went home to wash the stinky cigarette smoke off me and truly wondered why a girl like me who hates people, hates bars, and hates cigarettes would subject themselves to working in a place like that.
And I guess the answer is I just can’t argue with walking away with thirty five sweet dollars in american currency.

It’s funny when you think back at what emotionally scarred you for life. Maybe abuse in the home, maybe you were bullied, or someone said you were fat. Not for me friends what sticks out in my mind goes all the way back to either 1st or 2nd grade. I had just gotten these crazy ass silver boot like shoes that laced up and had heels. I thought they were amazing and apparently I also thought they gave me a wonderous new musical talent. I was sitting in music class that was being held in the gym for some reason and all the kids were sitting in a circle of little chairs surrounding the piano. Mrs. Bixler was the music teacher and until this day I thought she was awesome because she had the sweetest shoes. Everytime I saw her she had on another amazing pair of pumps. She had suede in brillant colors, satiny with crazy patterns, every type of leather you can imagine. She was like music teacher barbie minus being young and pretty. Anyway we were practicing for the big music recital and my class was singing songs from the wizard of oz so I was pretty happy about that. While we were singing lollipop kids song and for some reason I lost my mind and started tapping my shoes like I was wearing a leotard and some crazy headband with bee antenna on them. Im pretty sure I had my eyes closed and was singing my ass off thinking at any moment she was going to stop the class and decide that my musical stylings were so great that she was going to give me a little solo when she stopped playing and the kids stopped singing and she yelled at me to stop with the tapping already. I wanted to die and stab her with my pointy boot toe. From that day on I stopped singing in front of people. Later on in middle school we were forced to sing one by one for the teacher so she could see if she wanted us in the choir or not. I chose no way in hell but that same day she pulled me out of whatever class I was in and asked me to join the choir. I told her nope. No way No how. Then I found out they were singing songs from the Little Mermaid and I was real pissed. So thanks Mrs. Bixler for making me miss out on the Little Mermaid songs and for ruining me for American Idol. If it wasn’t for that old bitch Im sure I’d be shaving my head somewhere out in LA right now.

For the love of god there are a lot of shitty ass movies. It’s no wonder why when a good movie comes out people flip their wigs and go see it 3 times and everyone writes about it and it gets a million award noms. We are currently without cable and I have also been without a husband this weekend so I went to the antiquated video store and rented a shit ton movies. I went out on a limb and get things that I hadn’t seen and some I hadn’t even heard of. Well apparently there is a reason you never heard of these shit bag movies. There are no gems, if you never heard of it the reason is clear.
DO NOT WATCH:
Apartment 12, look i knew it would be some cheesy little thing but Mark Ruffalo is good so I rented it. Im a sucker for a romantic comedy. This is neither of those things but it is a big pile of horseshit.
The Great New Wonderful, it has a bunch of good people in it but when you add them all up its turns out to be a big pile of horsehit.
The Women, yes yes I know. But the trailer made it look like a funny women bonding movie. It was about 4 hours long and was a big pile of horesehit.
We Own the Night, I couldn’t get past the first half hour. We get it already. Horseshit.

So I have been checking my keywords again and they aren’t getting any better, so now Im going to make up some fake searches here now and we will see if anyone comes to find my site by searching these things. I will keep you updated and hey if you want to add any search terms to my list feel free.
SEARCH
Hairy Man Feet
Big 80’s Bush
Tiny Penis / could be a clitoris
What is a vagina supposed to smell like
Other words to use in place of Vagina
why does my dog poop on the sidewalk
David Hasselhoff naked

Just to be clear I have not searched all of these things.

I wonder what this year will bring? Happiness, peace on earth maybe just peace in my house, will my wildest dreams come true, will my kids get lice, maybe i’ll lose weight but more likely i’ll gain, will i get a wrinkle, maybe i’ll get into nursing school or maybe just leave school, will i get the dyson animal?

Well I have to say this new year started off way better than last years did. Last year I had an ulcer that I didn’t really know about, drank 3 mojitos and got so drunk that when everyone was counting down the new year and screaming I was outside puking in some dudes yard. I spent the next two weeks in bed with zantac.
This year I worked at the old man bar and toasted the new year with 4 strangers. I will tell you what, they have to take Dick Clark off the air. Everytime they would show him I would start to cry. That’s just too damn sad for me man.

Hey Dudes, here’s a little tip- Please stop saying to women “why don’t you smile once in a while”. Give me a damn break. I hate when people to tell me to smile. It’s not like Im sitting around crying, im just minding my own business hanging out and you want to tell me I need to smile? hey dude why don’t you take your lonely sad ass home and tell your dog to smile.

Things are feeling not so good in my world. I feel the blackness teetering upon me again and I don’t know if it’s wintertime that does me in or what the hell.
I have a story I’ve been trying to write for oh almost 5 years now and I still have nothing. Everytime I try I just delete.
I need some good voodoo. I need some New Orleans and some nyc. I need some something.
With every year that passes I think, this will be the year that things change and it never is so im going into this year with no expectations or hopes. It will be just like every other year.
Im pretty sure my new bartending job isn’t going to work out due to scheduling conflicts. Bill is always gone so I have no one to watch the kids. In feb I am going to be in las vegas for like 2 weeks. It’s just not going to happen. I liked that crazy place too. 😦
I don’t like feeling lost and that is completely what im feeling right now.

Well apparently you have to pay for cable and internet and because of that I have none currently. Also because of that Bill went to the library today and is very proud of all the “graphic novels” he picked out for himself. I married a 12 year old boy.
I am bringing you this blog courtesy of stolen WIFI. Thanks neighbors, can we run the cable line too?
So finally the BS of the Christmas ordeal is almost over. I wonder does it hold meaning to anyone anymore? Does anyone even remember why this all started in the first place? Was it all made up by F.A.O. Schwartz to scam the christian people into buying a million toys off him? Was FAO schwartz a real person and if so was he jewish? It’s all making sense now. To get back at all the christian peoples the jewish mastermind makes up a crazy story about it being jesus’ birthday and to celebrate that everyone must buy their bratty children mannnnnny toys. Hook. Line. Sinker.
DAMN YOU FAO, DAMN YOU.

My nine year old.

It reads:

To Mommy:
Read it. I know I might be annoying but I don’t care.

Inside it says:

Mommy please calm down. I know I am like that too but I get that from gramma (my bat shit crazy mother she is talking about here) Mommy I love you. Lifes like this. Me you bill fallyn and j have to deal with each other. My life is not perfect. I know we are loud and bad, i try to be good. Mommy I trust you, do you trust me? Also I get my lying from gramma. (same crazy as mentioned before.)

Write Back and slide it under my door.

Now in my defense I have PMS real bad and they were being assholes last night and bill has been on the road for 2 weeks and I’ve had to do everything alone and that sucks. Something good came out of me yelling at them though, I realized Skylar is a natural writer like me. Not naturally good I guess but natural in the way that we have a major dysfunction and cannot talk about our feelings outloud.
Anyway she wanted to write her own blog and she started it today. She was very excited to pick the background because the child loves David Bowie. Go figure.

skylarraine.blogspot.com

Bill is on the road so I was in my room last night doing what girls do when they’re alone.
You know, going through my junk drawers. I was looking at these little bits, little relics of my past that i’ve somehow managed to keep through my many moves. Do you ever look at your shit and wonder how it’s managed to survive? I have a spoon ring that was my great aunts and I have no idea why I have it. I have my great grandmas wedding band. Now there are many of her kids still living not to mention grandkids and great grandkids. I don’t have one memory of her so why should I have ended up with such personal property? I have two of my kids hospital ankle id’s from when they were born and in the hospital and some jewelry my aunt bought from a lady selling it in a nightclub bathroom in Houston.
Do you ever think about all the things you used to have that somehow managed to slip through your fingers like they were never there at all? Maybe it was lost in moves or thrown away. Maybe your brothers stole all the good shit while you went away and risked your life in the army.
All I know is that I want my god damn snoopy sno cone maker back.

Whilst browsing my analytics to see how people are people are finding my little site here I discovered that it shows the terms people put into google and then stumble upon me.
Here are some of them (and these are all 100% real searches):

1. mickey mouse boob shirt
2. mickey mouse t shirt boobs hole
3. girls accidentally pooping
4. girl poops her pants
5. “knocked her shoe”
6. “poop * down her leg
7. “normal girl” do for money
8. “who’s the boss spin off” “models”
9. accidentally poop
10. accidentally poop pants
11. accidentally pooped my panties
12. accidentally pooped pants
13. accidently pooped her pants
14. completely shaved boy body -she -her -girls –female
15. facts on normal girls poop
16. girls accidentally pooping in their underwear
17. how to style an outfit around a mickey mouse tee shirt
18. women giggle at penises
19. pee “ran down her leg”
20. girl poop sink
21. girl fucking a slug

How proud am I that when someone searches “girl fucking a slug” a picture of me comes up like HHHHHEEEEEYYYY!

I begrudginly called my mother this evening and as it turns out i don’t think i like her much. I failed to call her and mention that I got married (one month ago today!) and I still haven’t sent her school pictures of the kids from Sept so that was the first order of business I was yelled at for. I know she talks about me to my dad and brother about how I don’t call and I do this or I leave my kids all the time and why the hell did I even have kids if I was going to leave them all the time. Hey mom, remember when you left me and my two brothers and pretty much disappeared from our lives? Hey mom remember smoking pot in front of us? Hey mom remember getting arrested a few weeks ago for the hundredth time?
Then she goes on a rant about how she doesn’t like that bill has a butt crack that is pretty much always visible. She doesn’t think the girls should see his butt crack. I asked her if that was seriously the conversation she wanted to have with me. Was this a real concern? Yes. Her answer was yes. Bill isn’t walking around with his hog hanging out. They aren’t looking at the naked squatch on the loose. This is purely a butt crack complaint. Don’t we all have butts? Don’t they all look the same? It’s not appropriate from them to see a butt crack. hey mom was it appropriate for you to throw a beer bottle and attack my dad with a steak knife and get the police called on you when you were watching my kids? Please don’t mention bills abnormally long butt crack to me again.